you never realises; you never seem to understand that hurting can be a two-way street.

because i don't want to fight with you . 

I have a new litmus test for life. If i'm going to fight with anybody I love, 

I'm going to ask myself, if this were your last day on this earth, 

is this how you would spend it? 

Hurting each other's feelings, breaking each other's hearts? 

Sometimes the regret mounts up in me and they are truly back-breaking. 

I almost can't take their weight. 

KNOW SOMETHING.

I am very worried! and.. I am really very scared.

I've never spent any December in Singapore at all.

Since I landed my feet on this island, in June 1996.

UP TILL NOW,

I've NEVER spent ANY December in Singapore. 

NOR have i spent any New Year in Sg.

(The New Year is not the CNY.)

So anyways, I am just scared la.

Mainly because, December is a festive season.

It's like, everyone is and will be in the festive mood.

At least I think in Singapore bahs. 

So it's like everyone will be enjoying themselves.

and even if you don't celebrate at least your dad and mom is with you.

Then I was thinking. The past few years.

I've had my fun in jakarta with my aunts & cousin.

Fireworks! Road trips! food! concert! trumpets! 

this time round.

I don't know. 

haha. oh wells.

I am not expecting anything la. haha.

afterall, i stayed because I can't go back.

blame the stupid timetable.

oh wells, i think this worry is uncalled for. 

just let nature takes its course.

maybe i am just not used to the change.

i used to spend every december at home.

and now i need to spend it in this island. 

it's like a stranger to me. :(

Some of you might be thinking, why am i kicking up a fuss. It's just spending december here mahs. just spend it like my other months la. Oh wells. haha. i don't know.

I am still very tired. HA.
I think i got too used to complaining that i am tired.
BUT
i really am very tired.
Yesterday esp. 3 Modules. 9 hours of lessons in a day!
ok la. 9 out of 24 hours is not a lot.
BUT still who can absorb so much.
AND my attitude was freaking bad yesterday.
Oh wells, yesterday is history.
I am now down with sore throat & slight flu.
Soon, fever will come and join the other two.
bOo.

I'm still A L I V E.
lol. my fav reply to people who ask me, "how are you doing..?"
lol.


I am very sian of people assuming of things that they think I thought and thinking that what they think is what I thought. *whatever*


Money is the root of all E V I L.
Money is the root of all P R O B L E M S.


Let me struck a lottery or 4-D or Toto or whatever.
I am not greedy.
I only need enough winnings that can last me till the day i graduate and get my degree. after that i will have my own career. my own income and i don't have to even think about money anymore. It has given me enough problems. enough headaches. this sucks.

I just came back from X-mas cum Thanksgiving BBQ organised by my Dearest boy! =)
I enjoyed myself. I think I have seen almost everyone from PJ AO3 class already. haha.
Oh wells, they are a bunch of nice people! =))
Here's the exchange gifts I got! =)) *happy*



I went to get this gift with Dearest yesterday! haha! and I like it also! and then! ta-da!
I GOT IT!!! =))) Such a coincidence right!!! =)) But he din get the present i bought.
Sathiya got it instead. haha! anyways, I'm glad sathiya like the pressie I bought!
I am glad it is useful! =))



Vipul got this as a ONE DOLLAR pressie. But wells, it doesn't cost $1 la! but it's disqualified! otherwise, it'll be one of the best $1 gift u can get la! =x



Jason got this as the $1 pressie.




Pei Jun made this. It's a $1 gift too. A heart filled with 10cent coins.
One of the best ONE DOLLAR GIFT of the day. :)
My one dollar gift was the other best one.


So anyways, me and Pei Jun, scissors-papered-stoned. and I got the above 3 ONE DOLLAR gifts. and she got the others. :)
FUN ACTIVITY lehs. Meaningful! =))


When I got back, I was thinking. I know most the people from AO3 class. As in I've seen most of them. I am wondering why the class is so split up. They are a bunch of very fun people. I mean, as a class, I think they'll make a very united, fun and outgoing class. It's weird that they have their own cliques here and there.... hmmm...


Anyways! Thanks Dearie for the nice gathering! I made new friends! I had BBQ! I had a nice day! & It's time to sleep now! Tomorrow will be a better day! =))

Auntie was talking to me about the video she watched at my cousin's house yesterday.
It was my another cousin who got married last year. It was her wedding video.
She told me that the wedding held was very grand and she was like "wow-ing" away throughout the whole video! because she never expect, such wedding ceremony to still be held today.
And every part of the wedding is just yeahs! very grand, very spectacular, like those on TVs.
But what I know is mostly, from all the weddings I have ever attended in Jakarta.
All of them looks very luxurious to me.
And that is the kind of wedding etched in my mind since I am a small small girl.
So probably my cousin's wedding will just be one of those.
I'm happy for her.
Because, I believe every girl, deserved to get married in an elegant, glorious & luxurious way.
It'll be after all, once in a lifetime event.
don't you agree with me? =)


and then, when we finished talking, Auntie shoot me with a million-dollar question.
"So, will your wedding be like hers?"
A very good question! I also want to know!
Of course! I have a picture of the kind of wedding that I want.
My elegant, spectacular, luxurious, princessy wedding!
And I still do have and wish and hope for that kind of wedding.
And I still do have a picture of my own dream house.
It's a once in a lifetime event lehs!!! =D


Oh well, don't think so much la huh.
lols. It's too early to even think about it now.
I was shocked! when Auntie asked me. -.-''
Maybe she was wondering, how my wedding will be held IF i get married here. LOL.
which until now is still, 八字都还没一撇...


Let's now get back to books. =))

i am very sad. :(
because my most beloved creative mp3 player pouch is now destroyed. :(
it was very dirty and i tried to wash it.
BUT
now.... the whole pouch is damaged. :'(
the texture of the whole skin of the pouch is.. hais.. just destroyed lar! ='(


i'll never. i really mean, never ever let my beloved things to ever get dirty ever again. :'(
the damage is awful. it breaks my heart! ='(


hais.


anyways, i'm thinking of doing something! hopefully. i can finish on time! =))


I am super confused toO!
I don't know if i should go back or not. I am super stress! i have so many things to do in my hand. i have so many lessons. i really dont know if i should go home or not! :'((

Mr Wong! your IBM assignment qns paper! =))

Last weekend was great!
I get to go West Coast (very long never go already)
I get to enjoy the night breeze. :)
I went shopping on Sat.
I went Kalang with Dearest for some driving thingy & i got to witness on-going marathon running people, on Sunday.


SEE those people running??

MY FAVOURITE guy of that day!!! =))) He is super cool cannn!!!



My fav car of the day!!! the VROOM ! VROOM! sound is NICE~~~~ :DD


My 2nd FAV car of the day! :))


I went shopping for BBQ food at giant, and went Qian Hu to look at fishes on Monday.



I went to meet Mad girl and shopped around AMK HUB with Mad girl on Tuesday. :))
Very nice weekends! BUT i have a BIG pile of work waiting for me to finish! =(((


Speaking of marathon. any one wants to accompany me run the next marathon? next year? 10km? on 30th May? If you want. call me! msn me! text me! Facebook me! or friendster me! as soon as possible! =)))


& wana thank Ade girl for inviting me to Kukup last Sunday!
But i backed out last minute! I so much feel like going 1!! really! Cuz it's really nice in Kukup there! But i feel weird.
I guess I'll get another chance to go Kukup with her again as long as Ade girl invites me again. :) hehes!


AND...
I might be going home next WEDS! =)))


Thank you dearest boy for the nice weekends! =))

I am very happy! I still am happy now. Just that yeahs, there is something else bothering me.
BUT overall, I am still happy. Thank you Dearest for coming, even to just accompany me for 1 hour. It's been very long since I laughed like that! :))
Actually, I am easily contented! not like what you all say! haha! oh wells! I am a happy girl today! :)


I talked to a lot just now.
I hope I din unknowingly offend you or something k?
If I did I am sorry girl. :(
It's really hard being a human being.
We have to care about this and that. We have to make sure our words don't hurt others. But oh wells, this is part of courtesy and part of being polite and everything.
So sometimes, we really have to put ourself in people's shoe and think. I hope I can be the middleman to help clear things out, but, I can't. I am not a saint. Neither to i want to be a busybody to "chap" into people's family affairs. I can listen, provide opinions when needed, but I don't think i will "chap" into it la. I believe in every family, there will be a time when everyone will come to their senses and realise what they have done. so for the time being where they have been doing wrong, all we can do is, to understand and to forgive and forget. If you can forgive you friend, an outsider, then why not your family? :)
So yeahs. I hope the family will come into an understanding soon. :)
I've learnt to put myself in others shoe and think about things, which is therefore why, I am now no longer so 冲动, i don't make impulsive or superficial 判断. Sorry! couldn't think of the english word. =p


Oh wells. Let's be happy! =))


Good nights world!
I hope every single day will be as happy as today! =))

I am very happy today!
Because Auntie cook Fried rice!!!



I was feeling neutral the whole day. Not sad or what k?
just normal. i went to school. then come back, watch show for 1 hr then studied MM. :)
and then ta-da!! at night i had fried rice + nuggets + yong tofu for dinner!
Its happiness can!!!! :)
(click on the picture, it shows the enlarged view!)


It reminds me of my mom's, aling ie ie and ci ching ching's fried rice tho!
My mom's fried rice is the best followed by Aling ie's.
Then auntie's 1 also nice! really! her fried rice brightens my day up!!!!


next time got party or what, just give me fried rice and i'll be happy!!!
hahaha. Oh yeahs, it reminds me a few of my frens who loves fried rice too.
If I am not wrong, i think Ade girl also like fried rice! then my last time the room mates also. :)




This is my boring lect hall. -.-
it's a torture having to face this lecture hall 2.08 every single tuesday, because the lecturer always talk nonsense. =x and you know what, such big lecture hall which i think accomodates 100++ students ,there is only 45 students present inside. and the number keeps decreasing after every single lecture. =x


I dreamt of Bestie girl and her whole family today. :)
The dream was very very long.
I dreamt of my parents too.
So it's like i also don't know how, but my parents and Bestie's family are somehow at the same place. SO my house is there and Bestie's house is also there.
It's not like, hers is in Sg mine in Jkt. It's driving distance away. :)
I was reluctant to wake up from that dream.
It's been very very long since i dreamt of Bestie girl and my parents! :))
Seeing them in my dream, makes it as if i am seeing them from near. :)
oh wells, Bestie girl's having her last paper tomorrow! Jia you & all the best girl! =))

was supposed to have a gathering with the girls today but as expected it's canceled.
i somehow expected it la.
because after so many years, old habits die hard. =x
and i don't blame anyone.
with our current schedule, it's really very hard to meet up.
many disagreements. and everyone is busy with their own company of friends.
i think what makes things worst is, there is only 1 or 2 person who decides on the place and timing.
i was wondering if we all will ever discuss together over msn or facebook or maybe phone conference to decide on a date, time and venue.
Because i think this will be so much better.


and, sorry girl to have to turn you down so flatly over sms just now.
Same as you, I am sick or rather very sick of having to think about the place and date and timing to meet up.
Then in the end, the answer we always get is, "er.. lets meet up another day.."
it's very irritating and yeahs. i don't like it. And i guess this is also why, there's very few of us who bother to initiate an outing. oh wells!
I shall wait for the Big class gathering.
It's not that I don't want to care, but I just can't care so much.
I am taking SIX modules this year and I HAVE TO CLEAR them all.
I need to. I have no time to think think think. and when i really decide on it, the answer i get is, "er..lets have it another day.."


I am one person who will get super irritated when someone tells me something.
Plan this and that, make me reserve the whole day for that event, but in the end, only to tell me that the whole thing is canceled. I can accept excuses, but only sensible excuses. not excuses like, er.. i need to meet my other friend last minute. er... you know.. i am not feeling very well.. er... i woke up late, so i will reach late, so i guess i not gg le, since it wont be nice having all of you to wait for me.
it's just very irritating la. if you look it at another point of view, the above can be quite a sensible excuse, that's why, i already get used to it and i'll usually just say, "ok lo.. i'm fine. lets meet up another day when you're free.. :)"
BUT i think what's worse is, when you've made a promise to someone, only to back out on it in the end.


stop giving me hopes and hopes. I hope i could meet my friends soon. I hope I can do this do that. I am looking forward to this and that.
see? look at all the hopes? in the end, all these hopes will just break my heart.
which is why, i am now learning NOT to have H O P E S.
learning to.

phew! so fast end of the day le!
yst was quite great!
I am grateful, i have companion for my lecture on Monday. :)
And i got to meet Ade girl at Ling Hui hse yesterday.
BIG THANKS TO LING HUI'S MOMMY!
for preparing so many dishes! I hope they did finish d dishes. Cuz they tastes great! :)
Thank You Auntie! :)
And I'm glad to meet with Ade girl after so so LONG!
she's still as pretty as always. :)


hope to meet more of my darlings soon! :)


And today!
I fell asleep on the bus way to school and on the bus home. -.-''
I don't know why lehs! But i am very tired. =x


kkx. Off to pom pom now. :p

I had a very very fruitful Sunday.
I stayed at home and sleep the whole day.
I woke up at 9?
Read my POA,but nothing gets in.
So i decided to just read through it.
Then I had my lunch at 1230.
At around 2? I went to sleep and i slept all the way till 5.
went to shower, watched tv awhile and i went out.
I was thinking where i should go to.
the first place that comes to my mind was west coast. =D
but i didn't go. I had a feeling that something bad will happen if i go alone. so I walked to plaza, walked slowly and went into the library. I sat there till the library closes at 2100.
And I found out that, the library is a very good place to escape to. :)
Then i walked around plaza, when all the shops are closing, I walked home.
Switched on my lappy, chatted with Ade girl and lay down on my bed at 2300??
then I decide to call mom at 2305. =)
talked for one hour and decided to sleep.
BUT
I couldn't sleep.
I was tossing and turning for a number of times but i still couldn't get to sleep.
so i woke up, went to the toilet and walk around my room until i don't know what time.
I had the urge to change up, take my keys and go out for a walk.
but I didn't have the courage to, I don't want to invite unnecessary troubles for myself by putting myself in a dangerous situation.
basically, i just couldn't sleep.
I wasn't thinking about anything.
I promised Mom that i won't think.
Mom said that I am very stupid & silly.
She advised me to just follow my feelings, do what i want to do and not torture myself in this way.
She wants me to take care of my eyes, don't be silly and suffer in silence, because no one will care and no one will ever know.
So anyways, why she asked me to take care of my eyes..?
Apparently, I once cried almost every single day when I was in sec 1 or 2, and my eyes hurts a lot. And it reached a point when I was very very sad, but I couldn't shed a single drop of tear. and it's simply because, my eyes have run out of "water".
And according to my Mom, she said. It's possible to go blind, when you cry too much.
So I listened to her. I cried my last tear out and I immediately stop.
I do hate myself a hell lot, when I cry.
Because It only goes to show how weak i am.



I told her certain things. and she was surprised. She never thought that I will say such things, with such strong determination. Yeahs. She didn't know her girl actually have her own mindset.
She didn't know her girl wanted such a life in future. She heaved a sigh of relief. She told me that, no matter what, who I will be with in future, make sure that person can bring me happiness. Find someone who can really really understand me, have time for me and someone whom I really can communicate with. Because, the first and only reason why you want to get married is, you want to be happy in the next stage of your life and you want to build a happy family with the person who loves you and whom you love. It takes two hands to clap. A relationship is not built with only one person. It needs two. No matter what problems I am facing. I need to find the correct timing to sit down and talk to the person about the whole thing. I cannot solve this on my own. But of course, you need the other party to want to talk about it too la. As she said, it takes two hands to clap.


Recently, there's too many people asking about how are things between me & Stan.
I gave everyone the same answer with the exception of 2 people.
So anyways, please i beg you all.
STOP asking me about how are things.
I don't want to talk about it neither do i want to think about it.
Everything is fine. When you believe it's fine, it is.
Don't worry about me. I will be fine and I am fine.
In the end. Life still goes on. It won't stop just because I am sad or whatever.
I know what i am doing now is not healthy.
I know I need to find a solution to whatever i am experiencing now.
But really, NOT now.
I am drained and I am very tired.


I still do want to continue with this.
I once see a future to this.
I still hope there will be.
still,
It takes two hands to clap.


and, to everyone out there,
haha.
i just feel like saying this.
which is what my Mom, Ade & me agreed on.
If you're not ready for a relationship, then don't get yourself into it.



& you think i don't want to be happy? HAHA.


lastly, please, i don't know i've said this how many times, please don't come to me and tell me about what i blogged, question me, bla bla bla. I know very well what i typed, I don't need you to come and remind me about the things i typed and worst, JOKE about it. I won't tolerate even if you are my buddy or whatever. Because if you don't show me respect, neither will I. Thank you. If you are unhappy about the things i write. you can jolly well. DON'T READ. you don't get any benefits when you read.

i just want enough strength to bring me through this.
i want to continue with this.
in the hope that.
things will be better.
i will be happier.
everything will fall back in place.
and everyone will really be happy for me.
i want us, all to be happy.
because i made the right choice.
it's not the time to shed tears now.
it's not the time.


i needed happiness, remember? :)

my heart still feels heavy every single time it happens.
i know it's going to happen. but then i still can't help it.
my heart still ache, every single time.
i don't want to care. yet it's not right.
because if i no longer care, then what's the point of this all.
but i know if i don't care, I'll be happier. definitely.
because i don't have to think about it.
maybe not happier, but at least, my heart won't ache as much.
yeahs. can someone tell me what to do?
because it's very.
torturing.
tiring.
and.
saddening.


and i am very
unhappy.

bored with studying and studying.
bored with this thingy.
haha.
i don't know if i am doing right or wrong.
but oh wells. 走一步算一步吧！
don't want to think.
or rather. there is no use thinking, because in the end, there'll be no outcome.
yeaps.


the only thing i'm looking forward to now is .. gatherings with the 71s. =)
nothing else because meeting ups with them is somehow confirmed.
the rest are not confirmed, just pure bullshitting. which is equivalent to wasting my time and brain cells, by even telling me in the first place. =x

i am still very tired.
still the talk till 3am in the morning did damage to me.
for TWO days straight i can't concentrate in doing a n y t h i n g. not even in lessons ok?!?! =(
and. JFYI i am not talking to my bf on the phone.
it's not him.
it's a her.
ok la. i dun blame her. haha. lols. nvms.
just that. no more kate night talks when i have school the next day please.
thank you very much.
i mean there are 24 hours a day. choose a time which is better? haha.


i hope i could say something nicer.
i hope i could say more nicer things.
but don't know why.
i can't.
oh wells.
i don't want to think.
i don't want to think.
i don't want to think.


i hope Bestie girl, will come to SIM to study with me one day! :D
everyday also can la! =D


and that day, i went Mad hse right?
Mad girl, u noe. i am still thinking WHY WHY WHY.
I know the whole matter ended like SIX MONTHS ago!
But i don't know wth he did or I did that make her so unhappy?!?!
i still can't think of any.
sian.
it hurts. :(
anw, good luck and all d best for ur last paper on Thursday yeahs!


but oh wells,
i still don't want to think.
don't want to think.
don't want to think.


and oh yeahs. i went to catch Madagascar 2 with him yesterday.
it's quite nice. Funny. should go catch it if you haven't.
It's a pretty nice movie. haha. :D

i am always having that feeling these few days.
haha.
neverminds.
oh wells.


anyway, i went to visit Mad girl.
NICE~~
finally.
after so long, i see her and i talk to her again.
Jia you for the last paper girlie! :)
and thanks for entertaining me just now. :)


i want to go holiday lehs.
i am jealous.
eh no.
not jealous.
more of i envy them
Ade girl & Lh gg to HK at the end of Dec.
Bestie girl is gg to Jap.
Mad girl is gg to cruise.
so nice.
all of them are gg holis.
Oh wells. enjoy yourself girls! :)
but i also wana go for a holis. :(
haha.
have a happy weekend people. :)


oh wells.
.n e v e r m i n d s.

I feel bitter.
no no. i am not emo-ing.
it's just that yeahs.
I still can't get used to it.
I am scared i will make things worst.
I hope i won't make things worst.
I really hope i won't.
I was telling Lh that, now,
in my mind, in my heart, i am forcing myself to accept the fact that.
yeahs. things aren't the same anymore.
now, in my heart, in my mind. i keep telling myself..
If got meet then good, if don't have also nevermind.
so it's like. if he comes to find me then YAY! he is here.
If not then too bad.
Lh say that it's unhealthy.
LH say that, that was like her r/ship with ks.
Its unhealthy.
I know it's unhealthy.
But that is the only way to make myself feel better.
no expectations = no disappointments.


you see, if i let myself have the mentality.
"after school go home. nothing else. weekend just stay at home and study."
isn't it better?
rather than thinking..
"will he come and find me later? after school go meet him or go home? weekend he have anything on? are we going out? am i meeting him?"
thinking about the latter is so. yeahs.
i am sorry. but i don't like the feeling. all d uncertainty.


i don't want to feel all happy and then get thrown down.
i don't want to have any hopes.
because hoping leads to disappointment.
expectations lead to disappointments too.


but i have to understand that.
he is not like me.
he is not me.
because, i meet my friends only once in a while.
and i mostly only meet those who are close to me.
other than that it'll be class outing.
my close friends.
Mad girl, she stays in AMK. that is quite far and she is busy with school and work.
Bestie stay in BP but yeahs. she is busy with school work n her own personal stuffs.
Ade girl is working almost everyday and she has sch and a bf. so like, yeahs. i rarely find her also.
LH i meet her in school every monday. and we grab every chance we have to talk. ask me why i dont want to go her hse when she stays only at CCK. because i feel guilty. i cant go. i kept thinking people are studying hard now. and there u r playing wii?!?! that is why i dont want to go.
Yik Ping. haha. this girl is available. i just need to find time and then yesh i can go meet her.
Heup seng! lol. my neighbour! lols. hahas. can anytime jio him out at night during weekends. but then, go out = spend money. =(


there is another reason why i din take the effort to go meet these close friends of mine up too.
there is a reason. and this reason is the big problem and its the main reason actually. another is i just can't bring myself to go out and have fun. I don't know why. but i just can't do so. i just feel that, sometimes, it's better being alone. because now, i feel that i am a burden to him.



and please. readers. don't come to me and repeat what i typed to me. i hate the feeling of being reminded. i blog because i want to rant. i don't need you to remind me what i rant about. thanks.