HOME SWEET HOME

so, i am actually at home sweeeeeeeeeeett home now. =)
Happy holidays! it's supposed to be a holiday!
and i am totally immersed in the holiday mode. not willing to do homeworks and holidays assignments! and i really haven't done much.
i did a half done essay though. lol! okay at least i finished 1 part of the essay qns. and i did 6 out of my 30 FR qns. -.-
here's the plan for the next few days. just do all the theory qns on MA & FR and leave all the calculations part in singapore. since it will require more thinking and more concentration. =)

today's Thursday! meaning i still have 3 more FULL days here, at home!
and hafta go back to Sg again on monday night!
I always hate it, everytime i have to leave home and go back to Sg and have to go through the pains of studying and going for exams before coming back home again.
but the good thing is actually, this time round, it will be the last last and last exam for me.
i promise i will do it once and do it well!
i promise!
last year already, just hafta do it! =)

and like always, I don't celebrate Christmas....
I never know how Christmas is like, I don't know how it's supposed to be, or maybe i do!
oh well, i hope at least in this lifetime, i will get to really,really know what is Christmas like. I probably have to dodge the thinking that, only Christians celebrate Christmas. is that even true...???

and GOSH! today is 30th December. tomorrow is the last day of the year!
How am i going to spend it?
just like any other day i guess. =/
i know that we will be closing shop early tml though, cuz we are going to a Temple event. I think counting down at the temple. not very sure. i know its at the temple.
i'm not complaining. at least, i feel its better than spending it alone in singapore. lol.

and advanced exam timetable is out!!!!!
this actually scares me further, cuz it means, exams will be here real soon!
I am quite happy that i don't have exams on the same day for any paper, and i pretty much have a day to rest, relax, revise before the next paper.
here it is, last exam schedule for me. =D

FM: 11th May
MA: 13th May
ME: 16th May
FR: 18th May
Audit: 19th May

it actually finishes within one week. hmm.. 9 days..
yeahs!

and i am happy!
Dear brother got me my long time wanted Longchamp bag.
He asked his friend who went Italy in June to buy it back for me.
it's not the size i wanted, but still at least its a long champ.
i dont mind having it at a bigger size actually.
since my bags are all at a bigger size. i dont know what is it i like to put in my bag. but i love having them big.
it just suits me. =/

Happy Belated Christmas & Happy New Year 2011!

I pretty much think, this will be the last post for the year. =)

Cheers to a great 2011!
New beginning for me & everyone ! =)

give me a break.

I've been pretty much. lazy this week. since Last sunday.
i am just tired and can't even sit still.
one minute i was doing homework.
another im lying on d bed sleeping.
or one minute im reading articles, another i just go and make myself some honey water. or whatever there is to make. it's just. i cant concentrate. and in one week, i went to meet up with elson for a short lunch and then... stanley, chimpang & meet ade girl for dinner. dinner out for three straight days.
i just don't want to go home and get "locked" up in my room. I just wana stay out!
I know, it's bad, im wasting one week of time away. but of course, i still do my homeworks and assignments. and i still go for lessons on time, i am always early this week, by 15 mins, which kind of make me feel weird, cuz i used reach school on d dot. and then reach class 5 minutes late. =/
and this is pretty much, the only week where i get to sleep in for most mornings. okay.. its only weds, fri & saturdays. i slept till 10. it feels so nice.. like relaxing my day away.

here i am typing, and the stack of notes beside me is waiting for me to read and touch and make some writings on them. haha, i will, enough of wasting time. =S

on a very very good note, im happy i've been exchanging emails, with Bestie =) it's just good to know, what she has been doing over there, maybe it gave me a sense of security..? ok that sounds weird, i just feel good, assured and happy when i know that she is away from all the danger and that she is doing fine there and is in good hands. It doesn't bore me, even if she just tell me the nitty gritty details on what she's been doing, its just good to know that she is doing good. i hope it will always be good=)

while meeting Ade girl. was really shocked to know a news. apparently, a friend she is close with and a friend i know, broke up with her bf of 7 years. i was shocked cuz, they really appear to be the lovey dovey kind, and their Fb always shows pictures of them going on trips, and just very nice and loving pictures, so i was really surrpised when ade broke the news to me, telling me that they broke up alr..
and then we both concluded that, mostly, couples who phat thor for too long, will end up breaking up. those who only phat thor for 2 years? a little longer or shorter, seems to be able to stay in marriage, in their own ways. at least the paper and their children are there to tie them down.

and, we also talked about the future. haha. whether to have childrens or not.
It APPEARS that i want to have children. but honestly, really, deep inside me, i dont really want to have any.
u know looking at those children and stranger's child. its just.. a total NO NO!
not because, we can no longer have freedom.
It just boils down to the sentence
"it's easy to give birth to them, it's freaking hard to bring them up WELL."


and looking at the world, now, i think not adding on to the already damaged society, is better. lol. at least for now, this is what i think. =)

and the trend in sg now is, those who are not supposed to get married are all rushing to get married, cuz of some accident.
and those who are supposed to marry, instead break up.

weird world isn't it.
and i am so sure about 2012. lol. the world might really just end.
so until 2012. i will make sure i visit all my dearest overseas friends.
Bestie in Sydney and 2t in Laos.
and then go on a trip overseas with Ade girl.
and then go overseas using my hard earned money. travelling. =D

alright, got to go keep my notes company now.
and...
im going to home sweet home next week,
19th Dec till 3rd Jan.

till then, have a great Christmas & a great New Year 2011 =)

Just do it like Michael Jordan!

"DREAM, BELIEVE & MAKE IT HAPPEN" - AGNES MONICA

I've been so inspired by Agnes Mo, my fav idol! she's really successful, considering her very young age! and she has accomplished so many dreams in her life. Just because she believes in them and she works her way to them!

And I've been inspired by Michael Jordan too!

“I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot...and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And thats precisely why I succeed.”  
~Michael Jordan, Businessman & former NBA basketball player.


"None of us are perfect.  Not even the great MJ.  You've got to be prepared to make LOTS of mistakes, bad decisions and slip-ups in your life.  Success is not about getting it right EVERY time, it's about sticking with your goals even when situations get in the way or lead you astray.  Be proud of every step you take towards progress; life is about your growth throughout the journey, not the destination." - Karena & Katrina.

All these, just made me push forward and move forward and push myself to the max. This is my only chance, i have to seize it! It's my time to show what i've got NOW! =D
I believe I can do it man! last year already! Just do it! Do it the MJ style! love it! DO it with NO REGRETS!

there is this surge of confidence & determination & motivation in me.
I LOVE IT!
It's been crazy weeks of doing tutorials and assignments and readings of articles and doing homeworks and going to school EVERY SINGLE DAY. and studying even during weekends!

it's been a crazy TWO weeks! and MORE weeks to come!
school everyday! lessons everyday!
getting scolded by James at almost every lesson! YES i got sick of it, sometimes, i even think that he is just wasting time scolding those people who don't even bother! BUT then again, he will not go wrong. I am sure heeding his advice will be the way to success!
REVISE REVISE REVISE !!!
Crazy might be the word. Hectic is more suitable, i guess!

I'm doing it, I'm nailing and I am so going to work towards my goal.
And of course, no doubt there are days when i really feel so tired, I just want to give up, but when i think about WHY I DIDN'T JUST DROP OUT WHEN I FAILED (almost) EVERYTHING in my first and second year, and still hang on till the THIRD year and FINALLY PASSED EVERYTHING.
It just make me believe that YES, hard work do pay off!

SO!
JIA you to me and everyone Fighting to win any battle you are at!
WE can do it! YES WE CAN!!!

THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY CHANCE & I AM GOING TO MAKE IT USEFUL! =D

I really got over it already, until i read yesterday's newspaper, just a while ago!
A lot of things came into my mind!
I didn't know we could bring knives on d road.
I didn't know we can bring weapons.
I didn't know humans can actually watch this fighting-scene and do nothing about it, wait until things turned worst and decided to call the police.
I didn't know humans are this selfish.
Being the incident happened in such a crowded place, I didn't know everyone just decide to be a spectator rather than get the elders to stop this from happening and call the police in the mean time.
Where did all the security guards go to? Don't all shopping malls have security guards?
Security guards are for show only?
Shouldn't they have more police on patrol, especially on days like this?
If such things can happen in such a crowded place, can u imagine, what even more worse thing can happen in secluded places?
I hope those heartless, cold blooded "humans" will get caught soon. Punish them. or maybe even, punishment is no longer useful.

I still cannot imagine, what would the impact have been on me, if i was there at that time.
and speaking of which, Stanley was actually there at macs meeting up some guy at 2++ and at about 5 i was pestering him to bring me for cycling or bring me out to walk around the area. what if I didn't go for cycling and went to walk around that area instead? it's just that few minutes difference. =(

what a powerful eyes, words, actions!
Got a boy with promising future killed.
and the killer even feels proud of it.
What a world.
is it even safe here?
I wan to leave. I want to leave! =(

and I miss my Bestie, I wish i could tell her, but sms-es are just so short and just short and i dont know when she'll be able to read even if i send her an email. =(

I want my Mommy. =(

what is this?

first, i escaped a bus accident.
a bus i could have been, on friday morning on my way to school. not just a bus breakdown, but a bus accident. as the bus i was on drove past the bus which got into an accident, i was really relieved how lucky i was not to be on that bus, and how close i was to be on that bus accident. cuz i know the impact it would have been on me, if i was on that bus.

second, Saturday evening. http://news.xin.msn.com/en/singapore/article.aspx?cp-documentid=4430003
while i was happily cycling at Pasir ris park, and a "19 yr old youth got into a fight and was killed at downtown east"
the place i was aimlessly walking about at 3-4pm? i went cycling at 5pm? fell down my bike at 615pm? went for dinner at 8..? saw the blood trails from Popeye all the way till Sakura buffet.

my friend still ask me. was it a Halloween prank? its not.
truth is, while the people there are trying to act like ghosts and zombies and acting dead, someone else nearby really went dead.

For consecutive 3 years. I was at Downtown east during halloween.
One year for Jordan's bday. Last year for Pris bday. This year, for a free chalet.
this year, which i probably will never forget, right where i was hours before, someone got murdered.
Police, CIDs were examining the place. whats the use? Its funny, they are ald cleaning up the place with detergents, and then they came to look for evidence? I hope the person will get caught. It's insane, such a person who got someone killed shouldn't be freed. 19 year old! what are 19 year olds thinking nowadays?
Even that NS guy who went around stabbing long haired girls. What was he thinking. What forced him into that state?

Life has been weird, what's this world becoming to?
People went there for Halloween celebration. What's there to fight?! and kill someone in d process?
This world, what is it turning into?
Everyone, seems to have just become a selfish piece of inhuman being.
Humans, are getting crazier. Probably no one is even sane.
The rich are spending so much money on whats not.
The poor are trying so hard to keep themselves alive.
Earthquakes, Floods, Diseases, Tsunamis..?
A safe country like here? is it really that safe anymore?

Damn it, my heart really sank when i read the news just now.
These past 2 days has been really, insane.
I never want to be in that kind of situation!
I never want to have to witness any of these unfortunate events anymore.

I am not as strong as that. to forget and not relate.
or to be positive and think about how lucky i was not to be there.
then those people..? they r just plain unlucky?
define lucky.

Finally!

Finally got news from Bestie after 1 week! =D
i rmb it was last Monday when she texted me. So its been one week since she contacted me. So FINALLY i received an email from her, well not only me, the other of her Besties received it too. Im sure we are all happy to hear at least some news from her =)
I'm glad u r doing great dearest! =))

So I met Agnes Monica last Saturday at Taka! <3 <3 <3
I was super duper happy can! I never expect to meet her. She's been an inspiration to me. I've "like" her since very very long ago!
so i was really happy when i got to bump into her. the only stupid thing i did was, i didnt catch any photos with her =(
oh wells, its over, if time permits, if i am in better luck, i guess i'll get to bump into her again one day. AND
i definitely will snap a photo with her, no matter what =D

I've been back on track with studies since Sunday=)
start with all the catching up on readings, articles, notes, tutorials.
Which is really good.
I've pushed myself. I'm sure i can do this.
I believe hard work pays of, I proved it last sem, I believe I can do it again this time round.
and then, it will be another step forward towards another bigger dream =)

I just need to set my priorities right, i just need to make sure that I FOCUS FOCUS & FOCUS.
When it's time to rest, i will rest, when its time to study, i will study.
That is the only way right? =D

I'm looking forward to studying sessions at NTU =D

There is nothing wrong with having big dreams, no one can fault u for that =)
So, dream even bigger dreams, and work towards it =))
Nothing is impossible, With determination, hard-work, faith, confidence and prayers. :)

procrastinating

I've been procrastinating for 3 weeks now. Or rather I've been lazy for three weeks now. It's no good. I've been back in singapore for 3 weeks ald now. and i miss home already. Great.

so now i have assignments, tutorials and articles waiting for e to read. Bravo!

Okay. i will make sure i finish the articles I'm supposed to read by tonight. No more procrastination. =)

and. hmm.. what else do i want to say, except, I will work hard from this second onwards. towards May 2011 =D


I'll do good. No worries.
I've thrown away distractions. Put behind all the not important stuffs. and basically, anything not related to studies. =D

Hopefully Bestie is doing great in Sydney, Please take good care of yourself Dearest! =)


"The minute you felt like giving up, think why you've held on for so long." :)

Thank God, Bestie has reached her new home, probably already asleep now.
I'm more or less relieved, it's like the stone in my heart has just chipped off and become smaller. I'm still really confused tho. But not without reason. I know those sms-es are definitely real, no joke. And my heart aches each time I think about those SMS-es. But there is really nothing I can do to help. When I got to know it, it's really like one big bomb just exploded on my face. I cannot explain d anger and d worry Im feeling. All I know is, she must have felt really terrible, really sad, really devastated and LOST.
I wish I was there to give advices. Yes, my advices may not work, may not be useful. But at least I know more or less it could be absorbed and she could reconsider.

I know my bestie needs constant reminders from us that she is a very important friend to us. But then I'm not the kind who likes to keep saying certain stuffs. Bcuz I'm scared they will become unreal. Furthermore I am also scared, it's just my own thinking. My own wishful thinking.

I am still confused till now. And I have been feeling really tired for these past 2weeks. Sleeping at 3 almost every weekend. I don't know. I just can't sleep. It seems like, the worry-ness got over my sleepiness and tiredness. And i have myself to Blame! I shld have been more proactive in getting involved with her life. That's what a Bestie shld do. But instead im here scared about this and that. But the big picture is, What I am really scared of is, I'm scared of losing her.

Okay this sounds mushy. :/ but it's true, it really is true and it just got into me when I got to know about this and that. It just confuses me. I don't know what's real and what's fake. Are these all real or are these just false pretense? It really did made me confused, sad and helpless!!! Really. I just want to do whatever I can to help.

Whatever it is, deep inside me, I still really hope that this will be a happy union. The correct path for my Bestie. I hope He will take good care of her.

I still couldn't get over the fact that Bestie is on a plane, reaching Brisbane soon.
and the fact that, we are here, she is there in another country already.

how do i describe this feeling. haha. it's weird, when people starts comparing, who and who did what, more or less. and whats worst, who and who cried, shows who is more hurt.  and who and who didn't cry shows that they don't give a damn about it.
humans. I am just speechless. I couldn't care more. our actions disgusts me really.

I am better and better at fighting back my emotions.
and better and better and covering up for my feelings.
good job to me.

alright, as soon as i makes sure Bestie reaches Brisbane safely, i shall go sleep.
tml, got to start fighting book wars.

sometimes what's seen from the eye, is not what it appears to be.

I miss my Bestie.

Went to send Bestie, Mitch & Alicia to the airport.
Nope I didn't shed a single tear.
I just really feel v sad, worried and happy altogether.
So it's really difficult to express that kind of feeling.
All I hope for is, I hope she'll be happy.
I hope She'll become a great Wife, Mother and also Daughter to her parents. =)

And most importantly, I hope Mitch will take really good care of my Bestie.
And Of course, as Alicia grows up, I hope she will become less naughty. =)

All the best dearest girl. You'll be missed!

Happy Marriage Mitch & Dearest Bestie!

Bestie's wedding is over now.
It's the most simple, cozy, sweet, warm and romantic wedding I've ever attended.
and it's the first wedding I've ever attended for my closest friend.
It's more of a mixed feeling after the whole thing is over.
It's really hard holding back the tears and feelings.
Yes, I enjoyed myself. Even though, I really took a long long time to finish the food served. Not that I don't like them, it's just, i don't have the appetite to even eat them. =(
Made one or 2 new friends, after all they are Bestie's friend, so how "bad" can they be. =)
The most frequent Question I always get asked is, "Who are you to Sze Min?"
Next is, "When is your turn coming?"
lastly, "Why don't u look sad, aren't u supposed to be sad that she will be leaving soon?"

these qns.. I just gave them the most simplest one sentence answer i could ever give and thanks for being so insensitive.

The "unhappy" thing of all is, the next time i see my Bestie, it will be at the airport, she will be leaving for Sydney for good. =(
I really cannot imagine that day coming. I cannot imagine what it will be like when she is not in Singapore anymore, when she is not an-sms away, a few bus stops away, a phone-call away. I really cannot imagine. Well, you can say that, it's not as if, i meet her everyday, its not like we have always been meeting every single week or every single month for the past few years. it's just a mixed feeling of LOST, WORRIED and everything altogether. and i just couldn't sleep that night when i came back to rest. I just tossed and turn, until i don't know what time.

She is that one friend, I have always trusted, always hold dear to my heart, i always confide in. it's even more than a friend to friend feeling. and i can never thank her and her family enough for whatever they have done for me. It's really more than just a friend to friend treatment.
I know both of us will get married one day. and like what Rovin say, we just have to get on with our own life. I just didn't expect it to be so soon. This soon.

Well, and as contradicting as it can ever be, I am happy she is moving over to Aussie. Really, I've seen and experienced how life here can be stressful, demanding and just not nice. So, I am happy, she is moving there for a new life, everything new, just that, i know everyone she left behind here, will be worried for her and everything. because it's not a one month two month thing. It's a lifetime. I really hope Mitch will take good care of my dearest girl, she just cannot afford to feel sad, lost or down anymore. so please please please please please, take really good care of my dearest Bestie, make her the happiest woman she can ever be in her own life.

It isn't easy getting to know each other, accepting each other's shortcomings, accommodating to each other's needs, being patient with each other and then taking the big step towards marriage. All these, needs process, and it isn't easy at all. But what's even more difficult is keeping the marriage alive, till death, separates. And as I said, all these needs process. I wish both of you all the best, and I gave you my very best wishes.

and i miss her already, even though i know she is still here in Singapore. ='(

Happy Marriage Mitch & Mandy! =)

desperate

I realize i am really desperate to get into the job I've always wanted. as in really DESPERATE.
I really really really hope I can already be working as one, this time, next year. I really really really want to be one. Gosh I will be 24 next year. oh my.

and i also know, there and then, I will have to again re-consider the many possible pros and cons.
whatever. Life is just oh so difficult. so well, just live with it.

I will fight really hard to finish this degree. no matter what. i just have to finish it.
NO MATTER WHAT.

3 more days.
Singapore here I come.

HAHA.

scared

To be honest, I am really, SCARED.
I am really really really scared. I really don't know how to say what i feel, but i am just really scared.

ok.. what i'm going to say is about studies again. So if you don't feel like reading, then please, just leave.  don't continue reading, cuz it might just bore you. or you might even feel that.
"since you are so decisive and decided to take up the challenge of taking the remaining FIVE modules at one go and not split it up, then just shut the hell up." 


If you, my readers are going to feel this way, then please, just leave.

I really don't want Sept 20th to come so soon. In fact, as the day drew gets nearer, I am more and more "not excited" about school, (since when am i excited), okay. so yahhh. I just don't want it to come so soon. I am scared of the FIVE modules. No one can actually give me a picture of what's coming for me.
I only know i have to drown myself in notes, lectures and assignments. and nothing else. I just need to be more nerdy.
Ppl split them up to 2 years. I took all 5 core mods, in one year!
to be exact in SIX-EIGHT months.
OCT-FEB-MAY

what do you call me? brave? or just being stupid? or just being "itchy"?

I am so done with school. I just want to be done with school. I just want to be done with this whole education thing. as soon as possible.

I don't want another few more years of studying. i just want to get down to work and earn money and then continue my next few years of life. no more studying.
Don't ask me about taking masters now, when i am not even done with this darn degree!

okay. so main point is, i just want to get it over and done with school as soon as possible.

Wish me luck, Give me all your support and encouragement. I really need it.
Thanks.

Thank you

My Aunt & Uncle just called me.
I cried immediately at the mention "cling cling".
They said they are willing to lend me, if i am short of it.
Thanks. Really thanks. but really, if i can don't borrow at all. i won't borrow at all.
it's enough.
I don't want to owe anyone anymore. It feels really heavy.
But really thank you. when i really couldn't hold on anymore, yes i will ask for help.

I did reconsider again yesterday about taking 5 mods, because my aunt wants me to ask myself if i can do it or not.
I believe i can do it. because i don't want to waste anymore time.
And a lot of factors which led me to my this decision.

1) If i split my 5 modules into 2 years, I will have to incur extra payments to about 15K-20K a year.
Sim school fees, UOL reg fee, rental, food, transport, daily necessities and TIME.

2) Its actually not possible for me a foreign student to actually switch to part time from full time classes, because my student pass was granted by ICA based on my number of years to study. so even if i split my studies into two years, it'll still be I work part time, with really low pay and then slog my days away and then finish only 2-3 modules a year. then the amount of part time pay i get is only enough to pay for daily necessities and rental.

3) I'll already be 25/26 when i graduate if i split my studies. which is really a waste of my time. when i really want to graduate fast, as soon as possible and then hopefully I will get into the dream job i always wanted. =) and then it'll be time to pay off debts, start saving for my future and give my parents better living, ease their burden. =) and then it will be happy happy happy. =)

Furthermore, dad and Mom are getting old, I need to faster get a degree, get a job, then at least among the three of us at least one is a graduate, then Mom and Dad will feel so much better and happier and they will be able to hold their heads up high and not feel "bad" anymore. I want them to be happy, I want them to enjoy their next 30-40 years of life. I don't want them to be worrying about us anymore. SO.. yeaps.. all these reasons and a few more unnamed ones.. are the ones that led me to my decision.

I am not a really decisive person. when i want to make a final decision i think about all the relevant factors. what are the benefits and everything else. Then make the best decision, i can have. =)

It's hard coming to this decision when i know all the five core modules are really difficult.
and its really hard making this decision when i have no confidence in myself.
but when i think of the larger picture. it really motivates me. one year later.
I need to be in my dream job. =)
one year later everything will be over. one year later i will be 24!
Getting older and older and i just have to be really responsible for myself and my family.

with support from my big family and friends, I am really sure i can do it.
Thank you all! It really means alot to me.

still, my favourite quote:
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr Seuss.

Jia You Lily! =)

Thank you.

i haven't blogged about my results yet.
i am really happy and still am happy about the whole results thing. I couldn't believe i actually did it.
it actually also did boost up my confidence. =)
I did my calculations and with reassurance from Mom that i don't have to work at all to pay for my own food, travel and rental. I am sure I can put 1000% concentration in to studies and then do well. Of course, I cannot leave out praying. i just have to be more diligent in praying and more diligent in studying =)

and this results release. I just have to thank these few friends I have.
Thank you Bestie, Lh, Ade, Irene, Els, Heup, Dewi, Stan, Cousins, Dearest Aunts!.... Thank you so much.

Thank you for bearing with all my words of worries all these few months even before results are released. Thank you for keeping me company, for talking to me, and "entertaining" all my doubts and worries.
Thank you for giving me all the advices i needed, and thank you for helping me check my results. Thank you for sharing the worry with me. I know all of you are worried for me. Thank you so much for being really happy for me too, that you all just cant stop smiling away through the conversation! Thank you for giving me the reassurance again and again to tell me that everything will be fine. Thank you for helping me think of alternatives. Giving me the better advice i could possibly have.Thank you Thank You Thank You! =)

and of course Thank you Mom, Brother and Thank you for Blessing me Dear God. =))

Words, just cant express my feeling of gratitude. really. Thank you! I really wouldn't know what i would do without all your help. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you! =)

great! here's timetable till 1st week oct. what's below is scarier.
busy busy busy. oh wells, its all for the good! =)

I'm happy i'm going back soon cuz i'll get to meet my dearest darlings soon!
but i am unhappy also cuz.. i'll be leaving home again..
oh wells, like i said.. since its for something good. then... okay! i'll just live through it! =)

here's the summary of it all. =) 

I chose this timetable with the help of Miss Quek. and it's the first time that i chose to have all morning classes except for weds cuz there's no more morning slots! =(

but yeah. i just wana end everything fast so that i still have the rest of the day to do anything else. i'll sleep early and wake up early! =)

oh yahh! just click to enlarge. =)

All the best to me! Jia You Lily! =))

PASSED

ok. d worrying is over. i passed everything. now i have one more year to go. 5 core modules to clear.

when will it be our turn?

went to meet Irene girl 2 days ago.. half way through the shopping and resting and lunching. both our minds wonder off.
she was telling me, one of her classmate just got married and i said, my Bestie is getting married too, in a few weeks.
there and then both of us went really quiet.
i know what i was thinking, i know what i was wondering about.
sometimes, we just can't help it, maybe, like i said, in sg, people dont usually marry at a very young age, but over here, in indonesia, its normal to marry at 20+.
if u marry at 30. its considered, weird.
so, i really hope, i don't get to that age then marry, at least 25 or 26, will be good.
speaking of that, in fact, we really don't know when we will actually settle down.
no one is perfect and no one is , considered really good, good. because even the most "perfect" person has his flaws. No one is perfect.

at every of our relationship, we always ask ourself Is he/she THE ONE? how do you actually define THE ONE?
if u really already got married, blessed with Kids, then if later on you found out that she/he's not the one, you shouldn't and never should even think about getting a divorce. You just have to keep the marriage going, find back that feeling that tied the two of you together, find back the bond that made you say YES back then.

so, Mom's friend at the temple, actually is helping a friend matchmake her son. HAHA. that was the 2nd or 3rd time she asked my mom if she could bring the man to meet me. if we could meet and be friends, she even asked my mom what business is my bf in. in short, is my bf rich, have a factory or whatsoever. which is a norm here. and my mom said, nopes, they are just still friends. haha. good answer mom. I know what she meant by that. =)

so sometimes i really ask myself, when will it be my turn. when will i meet the guy, (serious), with whom i will spend the rest of my life with.

and like i said, it's really a blessing if you've found your partner early, someone willing to spend the rest of his/her life with you. It's really a blessing and you should be proud and be happy about it. Everyone has their own thoughts as perceptions about certain things, sometimes we agree to them, sometimes we don't. Just accept every single comment with a "big" heart, ultimately just bear in mind that, everyone has the freedom to say what they want to.

It's actually pretty tired getting into a new relationship after every single break up. I might not have tasted that kind of feeling, but i am pretty sure, i will soon. So, you really should feel happy, if you are already settling down. you'll be starting a new life. =)

Yeaps. oh wells, random. have a great weekend! =)

happiness

I've been diligently going to Temple to read Scriptures, 地藏经 to be exact, for about 4 to 5 days now...So usually and most of the time, our  法师 / 师傅 will give us a Dharma talk. and I am loving it. I didn't go today, as i need to look after shop. and I am kind of missing it :(

Today, this morning, those Taiwan "shi fu" went back to Taiwan. I actually teared yesterday, because, it was her last Dharma talk with us, until probably, I don't know when she will be back, or when will we ever see her again, or when we will have the fate to see here again.
Before she left, she said,
"Whether in life and death, no matter where we are, we are bound to meet again. We still don't know who belongs where and whose place exactly this is. We are all just passer-by, so enjoy the walk while you are here and don't worry about anything else. Count your blessings and continue to save up those blessings, whether it is for future use or now."

I've never had such "connection" with anyone before, I mean, to be exact, i don't even know her, i;ve only seen her THRICE. and i don't even talk to her. Because yeah, you don't just anyhow go to a "shi fu" and talk to her. so yeaps. to be exact, i don't know her at all. So this connection and the fact that i actually teared, amused me.
I still, question myself, the same question she asked us that one day.
"what is happiness to you?"
"do you think the line between life and death is clear or is it very blur?"


To me happiness, is being contented with what you have, count your blessings. Be happy that you have what you have now, cause, whatever you have today is already saved up for you. And whatever you have now is the fruits of your own labor.
and by asking for more, you are just making yourself and everyone else around you unhappy, so why make life so miserable.
and in actual fact, we are all really just passer-by we all have our own story here, when the time is up, you'll just go. You will have to move. So yeah, just live it, live for the day, make sure the day is fruitful, the day is happy. =)

and.
the line that separate life and death is in actual fact really thin and blur. You wouldn't know when and where you will leave. Just like when God wants to take you away, you won't be able to ask him to give you some more time because you have unfinished matter. So yeahs, just live your day as if it's your last day on earth. If you can be happy, why choose to be sad and miserable?

and I really believe there is something called Karma. 有因，必有果。
Good will be re-payed with good and evil with evil.

The uncle who has been sending me and my Mom to the temple. I've seen how he drives and how most of the time, he lets other vehicles pass through when they are turning and when he feels that letting them go first will allow the traffic to flow much more better. Point is, he always let others go first, instead of wanting to be the first in everything.
and you know what, there is a really bad traffic jam yesterday when we were on our way to the Temple, and guess what, while we were trying to "cut" into the other lane, a car miraculously just stopped for us to pass through, even though he could just move forward.
Okay, i know this might sound "silly" in a way. Maybe i don't know how to put these into words. =/

幸福就在眼前，放下所有欲望和名利。
无人能改变常言道：人生犹如南柯一梦。

okay.. i don't know if i am making any point above. but i am a much happier person now.
I still pray and still hope that i could finish what i started. and whatever is going to happen, will happen eventually. so yeaps. i'll just be contented for now. just watch and see where and which path i will be going towards.

We will all leave eventually, with nothing. =)

活在当下

tongues

I know people will talk behind people's back.
It's like that, when people start to question, they often gossip behind your back first, make guesses about their so-called truth, before they pluck up courage and ask us what's the real truth. life's like that. I have to get used to it. I see how they point their fingers,, i see their facial expression, when we said, we have someone to drive us home, a guy. it's been only 4 days. what do you think will happen after 5 full weeks?

I often say that people's tongue are even sharper than the knife.
When we got cut, it bleeds, that is all. Full stop.
But words that come out from people's mouth, will leave scars.

I've been going to the temple to read scriptures for 4 days now, I'm sure its good for me. It takes a whole load of things off my mind, it brings me peace.. :) SO i will continue going as long as i don't have anything for the day. It will take 6 weeks. Last day will be on Sept 19th. :)

by going to the temple, it made me think, made me understand, made me a happier and a better person.
All the Dharma talks. The Readings. I believe they've changed me in one way or another.

still very confused.

when people ask me what i will do when i get my results. i told them all my 3 plans. all the 3 plans i have in mind. 

but then yesterday, it suddenly struck me that, after wishing and hoping for my results to turn out good, i suddenly stop and think, if it turns out good, am i going to just go ahead and study full time and then die die be a 24-hour university student. Be a good "dog" and eat the books and eat up everything and then go through same freaking THREE MONTHS, worrying over the outcome? But this sounds like the best plan. it's just another year to go. I just have to slog like crazy and make sure I do well. Don't you think so?

IF i don't do well, it will be worst. I will need to "open" up my tiny weenny brain and think really hard what's the next step and never regret that step. Hmm.

I don't know. these 2 weeks towards results release, i will try my best, to enjoy myself as much as possible. yups.

Wish me luck. Pray with me. Hopefully, God will lead me towards the correct path =)

Have a great weekend. 

angstyyy

i have been feeling really really bad these few days. always so "angsty". always get angry really easily. 

so i re-organized my living room yst, (again). =x

Oh byw, results will be released by end of AUGUST. i don't know which date, but end of august, means a few days away.

which means, i am going back to Singapore soon. =) for.. well... see the results first, then, i will announce. =))

i know we all hope it will be good news. GOOD GOOD news. =)

I am missing a lot of my friends in Singapore. to be exact, I miss having a friend to talk to, to sms, to call. 

I really miss having friends by side.. 

and i also hope i can go back to sg fast. BUT, I need to wait for results, so that i could arrange whether to book a one-way ticket or a return ticket. yups. 

so 2 more weeks. around 2 more weeks, everything willl come to light.

that day will be a big turning point in my life. its where I need to stick to whatever plan i have. 

Its the time when, there should not be any more regrets. I just have to move and look forward to everything. and make sure that everything turns out good. no more regrets. 

and i am loving this quote now..

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Dr Seuss.

tears

its been a long time since i actually have tears welled up in my eyes every single hour.
i am really worried. i hope someone could end this worries now.
i cannot take it anymore. its one more month. but its really taking forever.
i cried myself to sleep yst. i opened my eyes this morning and cried again. and i am practically crying almost once every hour now that i am staring into the computer looking for "back-ups".
 and discussing things with cousin, ade and lh..

maybe all i wish now for now is, i get my results immediately so it will end all these "uncertainties", so that i know exactly what i should really do.
or someone rich could actually take me in. ask me to be his god daughter or anything and fund my degree.
or someone dependable could actually support me for the rest of my life while i seek the path towards happiness.
or someone could actually offer me a job now, so that i could have an income and not depend on my parents, on anyone ANYMORE.
or God could just take me with Him any minute, in any way He wants, now.
I am willing to go now. to end all these. cuz i am really really sick of this now.

dresses!

alright...

so I don't have any decent dress. the last time i wore a skirt was when i was in JC. I believe that was the last time. SO now. I need to get a decent dress that i could put on to a wedding. 

Having Bestie's wedding as the 1st one i will wear a dress to. =)

I am not exactly a tomboy or a chor lor girl. but honestly and really. i don't like wearing anything too girly or yeah.. whatever, i don't feel comfy in them. haha. im more comfy and feels more confident in my jeans and pants! =p

but i will start wearing dresses to go out, if that makes me more feminine, then, okay.. i will start wearing those. but first, i need to go find and get a decent and simple and elegant dress first. that would make me look pretty and not like a dumbo. =p

oh wells, i believe it won't be all too bad or anything. i will learn not to be so chor lor from now on. =)

I am happier today. maybe because i have decided to let it go and leave everything to the one above. can't do much also. so yeaps... i will just wait for time to tell me what's next. I am leaving it all to Him. 

and i am going to get back my Iphone tml! Dewi's coming back JKT so im gg her place to get my iphone tml! =))

and i am probably going to shop for dresses tml too. hopefully i can get a decent one. =D

and i am also going to get busy. with the cakes. =)) 

bored to the max

i was bored and did this "survey" to kill time. haha.

here's the result to the survey. wake up call for me too.

Is He Marriage Material?

Is your partner really worth walking down the aisle with?

Your Results

This guy needs a wake-up call!

This is a hard pill to swallow, but your current guy is taking you way too much for granted. Neither is he thinking long-term about the two of you. "If his designs on his future go too far without mentioning you and the life you want to live, then in fifteen years' time he may be living solo," says Susan Swimmer, author of Is He The One?

His spending habits probably tell the same story, too: That he's pretty nonchalant about the future. "It doesn't matter if he's a gazillionaire or a minimum wager, what makes all the difference is how he handles what he has," adds Swimmer, and you want a guy who works honestly, saves responsibly, and spends sensibly.

Bottom line: If you truly love him, it's time to have a serious talk about your future together -- where you're headed, what your plans are, and what you expect from your partner. Hopefully, this will be a wakeup call for your guy. But if he's not on the same page when it comes to your relationship, stop wasting your time and get outta there -- you deserve better.

copied from : http://msn.shoppinglifestyle.com/sg/quiz/marriagematerial/result.asp

i dont want to be sued of copying, so i shall just copy down the webby i got this from .. =p

i need to stop worrying.
I re-organized my room AGAIN today. just because, i want to distract myself and keep my mind and time occupied. I think i just did that last month. and i re-do the whole room again today!
I was in a super bad mood throughout the day, cause, i cant stop thinking about my results and how it is going to be. really, really, i need to stop worrying and start believing that it's all going to be good.

thinking.

Sunday was bad to me, or rather period wasn’t being nice to me this month. Last month I was good, this month it was so bad. I shall cut the details. It’s pretty much the same old thing. What’s important is, I am good, better and a little bit healthier now =)

I’m going back Singapore in September, should be mid Sept, most probably on the day school starts. Cuz air tickets only starts to get cheaper from 20^th Sept. any days before that are super expensive, unless I really need to be there earlier, else, I won’t pay more just to get myself ready for school over there. =p

Too many people passed away just within days. One of them is my customer’s grandson, only 14 yrs old, died because of bike accident. Another one, cousin’s grandma also just passed away. This birth and death thing is kind of scary. It just makes everything seems so unreal. One thing may be here now, it might be gone tomorrow. Let’s just treasure whatever is happening?

I have been having weird dreams, and having a lot and lot of dreams almost every single day. About a lot of different events, about a lot of random people, people I don’t even really think about, it just makes it even weirder why I even dream about them. My Mom says she don’t even dream about anything, every night she just goes to sleep and then wakes up and then start the day and ends the day. No dreams, nothing. I seem to be the only one in the house having lots and lots of dreams.

I always think back, I always think back. Let’s stop thinking, it won’t happen anyway.

I am really worried about my result. I really am. I would be lying, if I say, I am not at all worried. I probably think about it day and night. I really won’t know what I could do, what I would do, if, if I don’t do well. I really don’t know. Getting a diploma and then getting a degree in Singapore? I really wish, I really wish, I could do without a degree. I really wish I can just move on without a freaking degree. It’s making me go crazy really. All the worrying, all the guessing, all the waiting.

Ok good, I cant sleep tonight, I am still so awake now. This is no good. =(

Nvm, shall not feed the mozzies. Im off to sleep!

And I miss my Bestie! I hope I could fly back and spend time with her more before she fly off and we probably won’t even get to meet once a year. Argh! This is so frustrating. =( but if her leaving is for her own good and happiness, I will be happy for her too. I will visit when I could, hopefully I can go over to visit soon! I still can’t believe, she’s moving away. Oh wells, what’s going to happen, will happen. If it’s for the greater good, then, why not?

Am I making sense? Alright, I shall stop. Good nights! 

Some updates! =))

I finally have some friends and I am doing quite good in keeping in touch with dear friends =)

Had dinner with Mirna & Gita yesterday night! =) after so long, I finally meet up with Gita. She is in the corporate world now. How’s being in the corporate world? I am kind of wondering. It seems fun though, from what I hear from her. It’s definitely true that, over here it is so much more relaxing and not so stressful and fast pace as it is in Singapore or probably any other country. People here seems to just relax – chill and just do it at their own pace. That has its pros and cons too though. Haha. Yes, for now I do prefer the “chilax” kind of lifestyle. =)

I’m doing good with the shop and everything. One thing for sure is, when I quiet down I can’t help but to think about my two major problems. I know they are there. I am just choosing not to think about it.

Oh wait! Something for me to be happy about, Mom actually told me she can attend Bestie’s wedding with me! =D I am so happy la!!! That way, I wouldn’t have to feel awkward and attend it ALONE.  Cause I don’t really like the idea of attending a function alone. Plus its a wedding! I haven't been to many wedding so i wouldn't know how to behave. =X If i go alone, i tend to want to give myself excuses to just show my face and leave and save all the awkwardness. :/ but I know its my Bestie’s wedding and she is the first and very first friend of mine who actually got married. So yeaps, its really important to me too! =)) 

so I am really happy when mom said that she probably can attend Bestie wedding with me. Thank you Mommy!! =D

End Aug, early Sept seems so far away but then, not really so far away too. =/ I am still thinking thinking thinking. If i made it or not. if i got some pretty presentable result or not. how did i do actually. I am envious of people who already finish their studies. got their degree and bla bla bla.. i am really envious. cuz that means they got off the hook already. They don't have to do the studying anymore! seriously, studying is a waste of time when you just don't get the real fruits of your labour.

getting into a University made me hate studying so much. I prefer to do anything as long as its not studying. but oh wells, whatever, I need to get that degree, that piece of paper. so, okay.. suck thumb. 

and next, my relationship with Stan. People, everyone has been asking me the same question again and again. and telling me the same thing again and again. I really agree with what they tell me. I really do agree, but sometimes, really, I am the one stuck with the situation and its probably really just me who knows whatever is going on and I am the one who will actually choose the right time to end it all. or probably maybe, I hope Stan reads this and ask for a break up with me. I might cry for a day or two. I might feel really lost for a week or maybe a month or two. I might miss his companion a lot. but I am sure, it will all pass. The only thing I hope for is, I hope we didn't make the wrong decision to be together and then to part in the end and treat each other as strangers. 

Regrets regrets, its something everyone is afraid of. EVERYONE. And i have made a lot of wrong decisions, which is why i am really scared of making the wrong decisions now. I don't want to be the one suffering in the end. I know I am selfish, by saying so, but who wants to get hurt?

end July is coming soon. =( one more month at home and I probably got to go back to Singapore. With Bestie soon (very soon) leaving Singapore. I am back to be with all my other friends who will be busy with school, with work and I am back on my own. It just seems to me that, everyone in Sg is pretty much busy with their own doings and then, its really really difficult to even find yourself a true friend. I can't wait to leave Sg. But i know i need to get a degree first. I can't wait to get over with this "boring" life and move on to my next phase of life. I know it takes time, I am getting impatient, but I know i just need to wait.

oh wells, whatever. life. suck thumb.

i chatted with Mom till we slept yst night. talked a lot. apparently i was being really grumpy yesterday. yups..
SO, i decided to heed Mom's advice and not go for the interview.. and after considering much and asking around about the whole thing. YES, i decided to letit wait. and not go for teh interview this Saturday. It will do everybody good.

So school will start on 20th Sept that week.
I am not prepared. or rather I am waiting for results to be released soon. Early Sept or end August.
My youngest aunt and my Mom has been asking me what would I do if let's say something bad happen.
and all i can say is... I've tried my best and if i am really that unlucky, i have nothing else to say also. but up till now, i am trying to be really positive. I will pass everything alright? yeaps... i really hope i will. I have been praying every single day. I hope God heard my prayers. =)
whatever it is.. 船到桥头自然直。。。
yups yups.. so yah.. like what heup say.. no point worrying about it now..
whatever it is.. i will try to be as positive as i can be. =)

Mom's back.. after going for her "rest" for ten days :)
Glad to have a companion to sleep. The 10 days that she was away.. I really didn't sleep much.. cuz i was really scared. =( Cuz I know there are "things" in the house.. =/

So i've been pretty much.. staying at home most of the time..
couldn't find the right time to meet friends either..
but I am glad Irene girl is coming back soon from China.. =))
SO finally i have a friend here...

I've been pretty much Irene girl's "love consultant". HAHA! ok, to put it nicely, her relationship consultant.
She's been asking me opinion about this and that.. and all i told her is my opinion, they maybe wrong, maybe right.. =/
so just take my advice with a pinch of salt.
in the end she is the one in the relationship, not me, so no one knows it better than herself.

Bestie girl is back in Singapore too! =)
and all i can say again is.. I hope everything went well.. I know separation is "disgusting" but through separation, we know how much the other person weighs in our heart. It makes both of you stronger too! =))
SIX months will breeze through very very soon! and then you three will spent every single day together, always. =)

just like now, my separation with Stan.. every year separate for 3-4 months... hahahaha.. i know how much he weighs in my heart. and how much i weighs in his. Oh wells.. let nature takes its course..

okay.. relationship thingy... as of now.. its really not important...
i just want to pass every single one of my subj.. and let me graduate next year! =)

pissed off with myself.

leave now if u dun wan to read, because what you are going to read next is nothing nice.

i really like reconnecting with my friends. but by doing so, it just made me realize that i am such a failure. i am so super useless. 
seriously. wtf. everyone has graduated! holding a stable job now.
what am i doing here? still waiting for the damn result! which i don't even know whether i do well or not.
seriously. i am so super screw up. i hate this so much.
sometimes i even feel that my whole family is screwed up.
none of us is a graduate!
now i am the only one left still hanging nowhere.
i seriously hate this situation so so much.

ok there are also others in the same situation as i am. whatever, i just hate myself so much. because i am just so screwed up.

what to do with all the uncertainties?

i've been living life like a lifeless human, pretty much.
everyday is the same old thing. still worried about exam results.
things to settle between me and Stan.
should i let him go?
actually this qns has always been on my mind for quite a long time already. maybe the sooner i settle it, the better it will be.
what will my future with him be like.
I really don't know.
so should i let him go?
i hope i pass every single of my exam subj. please. i need to pass everything.

its sad hearing all my friends already working, having pretty much a bright future ahead.
me? still thinking on what is in store for me? what will happen. tell me.. what will happen.
hais.

life. please give me a break. I need to know something. I need to know. give me just a little bit of clue.

hope Bestie girl n family is doing great in Brisbane. =)

actually i really dont know what to do with my life.
i always go back to the same thing again and again.
its not that i want to be like this. its more of.. it seems like i have to be like this. and i really dont like it.
i wake up every morning. shower, breakfast and start and end the day with helping out at the bakery shop. really nothing much. i feel really lifeless.
ok shouldnt compare whose life is more sucky. there r bound to be other's life who is suckier than mine.

everytime, i try to want to reconnect myself with my friends, i feel sad after being updated.
ok im updated through twitter, Facebook, blogs.
yah.. i am sad. cuz, everyone's updates is about being offered this job, bla bla bla...
going where for holidays..
or they are more or less aware of what is in store for them in the future.
where as me?
i am no where... not even in the middle.
honestly, i am still worried, every single day. i just get worried. i really dont know what is going to happen to know..
what my future will be like..

and i get pissed off over even small small stuffs. what they call PMS?
i get really impatient these few days. really impatient. i cannot stand a single mistake nor a single long winded conversation.
just get to the main point. full stop. as easy as abc.

ok.. im thinking too much.. pointless blog...
i feel like writing a long email to bestie girl..
but then.. nvm.. i'll just do it for another day...
not that i dont want to type.. not that i am lazy.. but i dont know.. i just have a very weird feeling about everything.
and silly me, even have the thought of not wanting to even be present.
because we all always have the same thoughts, she has all her other friends le, one less me wont make any difference.
but i guess a friend's presence is always important in bad times and good times...
in bad times, you really know who your friend really is, who is the one who complains, who listens, who really can go through all these nonsense with you.
in these tough times.. you really know who your friends are.

i miss my friends. =(

good nights world.
i shant think too much.

pointless blog.
i just wana rant.

random!

I've been back for almost 3 weeks till now. nothing much changed. still looking after shop. Sometimes dealing with retarded-unreasonable customers who think they can cheat me off my money just because they think they are rich and so they can do anything.
that is one of the most hated thing about doing business.
u have to take in all the nonsense from your customers.
u have to THINK they are right.
u have to swallow in all the unreasonable "wants" they have.

and one thing i have pretty much come to terms with about some rich people is, they are all very stingy. hmm.. maybe stingy is not really the correct word, if you know what i mean.
it's like.. they are already so rich, but they still want to cheat people off their five bucks.
its FIVE BUCKS not FIFTY BUCKS!
(converted the currency for easy understanding sake)
maybe they just want to feel that they can become five bucks richer. i dont know. whatever it is, rich people should stop being so.
and i have been emphasising this so much.
IF U WANT ME TO RESPECT YOU, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, THEN JOLLY WELL, SHOW ME THAT YOU CAN BE RESPECTED.

I've stopped having bad dreams for  few days now.
i still havent stop worrying though. still very worried and everything.
but i am sure i will do just fine. people have been telling me, believe and you'll get what you believe.
yes i will believe this time round. and please, don't, don't disappoint me! =)

i am a 23 year old girl who is pretty much not like any other girl who puts on make up bla bla bla, before we go out to meet someone. sometimes i dont feel like a girl. =p
watever, i'm going to learn some basics one, since i'll be attending dearest Bestie girl Big Day in December.
haha! December, seems so far away, but actually, its quite near. trust me, the day will just come very very soon! without us realizing it. just like how 10 years "poofed-by" just like that!

have a nice holiday! enjoy it! =)

i still hate myself for probably not working even harder to make this year the last year of my studies.
the feeling really sucks. =(

and now, every night, i still get worried about whether, i am going to pass all the exams in May 5th Till May 20th or not!

argh! i am so sick of this.. =(((

feelings.

i am at IT again. what's new right. this time, (ok lah not so new a feeling) rather i am actually admitting that i am having that feeling.

yesterday was at a Vesak Day event at Temple. There is a bazzaar, so i am just sitting around, eating, buying things, helped out at some stalls and chit chatting. so Mom's friend came over to chit chat and asked me if i have a bf already. and i actually said "NO". HAHA.
ok i have his permission that i can go find better guys. i am actually waiting for him to ditch me. but sometimes i also ask myself, what if he don't ditch me? what if we got married and then like what uncle say, after one child, we will wnat a divorce from me?
shit no! i dont want that to happen to me! I don't want. SO maybe can someone give me teh courage to leave him if i set my mind on it?

so! Mom's friend, actually said that she wana intro a good guy to me! HAHAHAH!
and she sounded like she really will bring the guy to see me or something like that.
so my mom told her that i have a boyfriend already. uz my mom is scared that her friend will bring the guy and haha! funny liao!
then i tell my mama! meet new friends nothing wrong what! LOL~~~

okay, lets keep it short.
i dont know why i said i dun have a bf when i have.. but actually.. to be really honest, i feel like i am single now. like i dont have any boyfriend. yups.
im sure u all know why.
we dont text, sometimes we dont even msn. so basically, we just dont communicate at all while i am back here!
its not weird at all. cuz i see this coming! haha. oh wells, maybe we r having a silent break up.
whatever. i feel like i am single, so i shall be. =)

nights! gona sleep!
bye!
have a happy holiday! =)

homed.

i've been home for almost 4 days now =)
everything is good. i should be contented. =)
kind of not used to the heat and the dust and mozzies!
so since we have helpers who will help my mom, so most of the time i will stay in my room, on air-con and watch movies.. =)
but of course i dont stay in there for one whole day.. i will still come down and help tend the shop =).
so the last few days.
finalissed the brochure.
for now till sunday. i gt to work on my CV for SIA.
actually i really dont know what i should with it, mom said sth which made me hold back. but then again, i just want to give it a try and at least at the end of the day, i wana say, i tried and i sent it my CV and did everything i could. =)

me and mom talked alot. apparently, ,things didnt really change much, my parents are still hoping i will finish my studies soon. and yes i do want to finish sooon. so that i can say, yes i got my degree.
so that mom and dad wont feel so bad also, at least the kiddos they sent to singapore to study since we were small kids have now graduated and got their degree. yups. i should at least do this for them and of course for myself.
I cant help but to get really worried.
I know the reason as to why i couldnt fall asleep everynight. i am really scared.
i really hope i pass this exam.
i hope i pass everything and then go on to the last year to finish my studies.
i will make sacrifices. i really will.
because i've set my mind into doing it. be it going home from school to the library or whatever. i just need to do it and make sure i pass the last year if i pass everything this year.
i really hope i pass. else i really dont know what to do.

life is really unpredictable.
my bro went to the other shop and his pri school mate came to buy breads! and  his friend's brother was also my classmate! from what i remember that boy used to be very naughty, don't do well in studies and just create trouble in school, getting into fights and all that.
who would ever think that, now this day.. he would be able to crave out a career for himself. actuallly he is his own boss. he owns a handphone shop and has his own house now, at the age of 23.
yeahs, u all might think that, a house and a shop in Indonesia dont mean much. i'm just trying to say, yeah.. even if we dont do well in school so what. in the end as long as you succeed in your life, its all that matters in the end.

look at me, at the age of 23, i'm still trying my best to finish school. and then, whats in store for me in future? i still have no idea at all. =(
but i guess i will just see some light some time soon? hopefully. =)

i haven't been replying people's sms to my phone. yes u all got the number correct. its me. i dont hold a single phone in indo. =p
its pretty good actually, in singapore i somehow is always there with my phone. replying sms-es instantly, over here, not that i don't wnat to reply, its i cant. cuz i dont have a phone with me. its good to be detached from all these technology sometime. =)

so, i've been good. hopefully everyone in singapore is good too.

hope everything will go on smoothly for you dear girl. the process will take sometime, but in the end, i believe you'll have a happy outcome. =)
i wish i could do something to help, but, well, i guess its obvious, i cant do much. =(
but still yeaps..
ALL THE VERY BEST WISHES FOR YOU. THREE! =)

their happiness.

I finally meet Bestie, Alicia & Mitch today! finally!
after meeting up, I am relieved. all i can say is, I am happy they found each other.
This is probably the don't know how many times i repeated this.
but yeahs, I am really happy they found each other.
He may not be the perfect guy, with the perfect personality and everything!
But, I must say that, at least, he's one of the better ones among all the guys i have ever seen.
the way he treat my Bestie, even, me after spending only 8 hours with them, I see that he is a guy, girls can depend on, and, I know my Bestie is in safe hands.
He is just so different from other guys. It's difficult to put this into words.Whatever it is, I am really happy my dear girl is in safe hands and they found each other.
Its really difficult for outsiders to comprehend what I am talking about.
Whatever it is, just give your blessings and wish them well. I am sure they will do well in future. =)
Lastly, I am really happy they found each other =)
When they got down the car just now, I really just miss them so much! I know its silly to say this! I dont know, i just feel that i lost something! then how am i going to survive not seeing my dear girl when she moves to Darwin?!
I should stop being silly and.. get use to it! they are welcome to visit me in Jakarta if they are free. always welcome =)
I guess I'll never forget how when I am holding Alicia hand, and every passer-by is staring at me with that-kind of eyes. I guess, that is exactly how my dear girl felt when she first started going out with Mitch.
Human's eyes are a powerful weapon. They really are.
Don't get me wrong, I don't feel hurt just now..  but if i am in bestie position back then and people are staring at me as if i am some weirdo, then really, I'll be really hurt. but throughout the day, I learnt to ignore their "harmless" looks.

I'm going back tomorrow.. but I am not feeling at all excited. I don't know why.. 
Its like I am even lazy to pack up..
It's probably because, I am scared of going back. I really hate how its really so pressurizing.
back at home to face the families.. and here to face the books..
I know the questions which i will get will be....

So how's exams? Can pass? When are you graduating? have u broken up with Stanley?

what kind of job will u be in, in future? do you think u can graduate next year? how's your friends doing? blablabla~~~~~~

I am really sick as to how this future thing is bogging me down.
I am really sick and scared about my future, how it will be like and everything...
I am envious and in fact, i am jealous at how all my friends have all graduated and I am still here, floating in uncertainty.
I really hate how I am in this stupid situation..

sorry no offense, but I hate how i am still in this country. still a foreign student, trying to crawl my way out of this shitty hole. I really hate it. period.

I really wish i could get out from here as soon as possible.
I just don't like the environment. it's not human. it's more of a robotic kind of life. devoid of feelings. everyone is doing their own thing. living their own world. I am even more hating my life, because I am still stuck, studying something which i really hate.


but then again, it's all in the mind.


while i am back home, if anyone wants to contact me...
sms to my +6598828316 number..
alternatively and safer...
email me at lily_zly@hotmail.com


alright, I hope lily will have a happy holiday.

=D

okay! yesterday was awesome!
I meant Friday!
met up with Heup! okay! his bday "gift" was really unexpected!
I would never guess he would bring me to go for FACIAL!
He just made me fell in love with the facial place! because i just kept praising the services there!
Its really highly recommended by me! =))
but i forgot whats the name ald.. Is it Royal Secrets? I know its something Secrets!
Its really just awesome!!! =))

and then we went lunch! okay! that FAR EAST "la mian" is no longer one of my fav food anymore! it just tastes yucky when i go there yesterday with heup! so, that will be the last time i am there! =)

then we went MOVIE! I haven't catch any movie in months! and finally watched a 2nd movie with Heup! "The Last Song" is nice! I teared! =)

and after that we parted ways and i went to visit my doctor! =(
looks like i have to feed on medicines every single night from now on =(
seriously, that kind of sucks.
but i don't want to be this unhealthy!

so anyways, meeting with Heup is really nice! talked a lot lot! as usual!
i'm glad we didn't succeed in turning our back against each other! =p
thanks you once again! =))

so fast! its now Sunday!
and I'm feeling lucky today because, I just chance upon SIA recruitment in Jakarta!
they want us to send in CV though. Its not a walk-in interview.
So, I am actually going to work on my CV and make plans to have a simple full-length photo of me taken.
My dream to be an air-stewardess is still on, I still don't want to give up on it!
I simply love traveling! and i love serving people! so being an air-stewardess is definitely going to make me feel contented! I'll get to travel!
I'll get to serve people! =))

So i guess, i need to go sleep! I need to do alot of things the moment i open my eyes later! =)

nights all! =)
Have a great Sunday! =)

over.

yay! exam is over! I DONT HAVE TO STUDY ANYMORE, at least for the next 3 months! =))
I am really happy! i no need to study for the next three months!
I'll definitely be happier if i dont have to study anymore for the rest of my life, but whatever.
and whats best is, these next few days will be just, fun fun fun! anything is fun as long as i dont have to face the books! =)
I'm meeting heups later for, something.. go city hall for sth, i din bother asking go there do what, cuz he wont tell me anyway.. i have to go there and see whats in store for me for myself!
then at night got to go see the docs. I skipped one week of visiting them and i am feeling kind of unhealthy.
cuz i have difficulty breathing and headaches is coming back far too often.and because of exams, and i dun wan the headache to bug me, within 2 weeks, i finished one whole strip of panadol. mmm... =(
but no worries, i am alright actually.
I can run, can skip, can jump, can laugh, can breathe. Just that I cant do too much of them.
just like sports car can run up to 200km/hr...
i am just like cherry qq, which can only run for 80km/hr maximum...
that is how the doc described my condition to me.. by heart isn't as good as other people's heart. Its not damaged or anything.. just that it cant do much, which explains all my other illnesses...
like even when i am sitting down, my heart will suddenly beat very fast! and then it will slow down again soon after! 
gasping for breath even when i am sitting here typing! i might just die if i forget how to breathe. haha! ok exaggerating! =p
I am really fine! so no worries! definitely not leaving earth that soon! =))

I am looking forward to monday! to meet bestie min! =))
and then, tomorrow is the last day of teaching! woo hoo hoo hoo!!! haha! i am happy for that too! =)))
and then, tuesday to go home!

sat and sunday.. hmm... got to go ade house collect clothes to be given to my little cousins at home..
and then hopefully spend happy times with stan.. hopefully ba! =)
i am crossing all my fingers, that hopefully we will spend some quality and happy time together..

i hate quarrelling!
okay! they are a also a way of communication.
but if u could communicate nicely, happily, then why would u wnat to quarrel right?! right??

okay! off to shower and then... go out out out!

its weird im trembling when its not even cold! =(

okay! Miranda Cosgrove - Kissing U ..
is replaying and replaying now! =)))

have a great weekend all! =))

new

I found a new song for myself le.
I've been replaying this song again and again on my ipod. =)
I just love it the minute i hear it! =)
It made my heart feels heavy but at the same time it made me feel better too. =)

and yeaps...
at some point in life, people around you are just going to leave you one by one...
maybe they wont leave you forever, maybe they will...
there is a point in time where, everyone will get busy and things just wont be the same anymore.
at least it wont be like how you want it to be.
so, in the end, all the people you love will just leave you one by one..
its sad isn't it?
but then again. there is nothing you can do, except, to just accept them as they come along.. yeaps..

and then, I also know..
when the time comes, Stanley will also leave me.
everything has got to do with fate I guess, when the fate between you and the other person has ended, you'll just leave each other.
not only couples, in friendship too..
so yeahs..
I really dont know what to say when people around me ask me when am i going to leave stan.
thing is, maybe i am not used to myself leaving others, so i dont know how to do it..
and maybe i am used to people leaving me, so maybe, i will let him leave me.
or when, i've had it.. maybe then, i will leave him.. yeapps...

and then yst, Irene girl asked me something..
she asked me how many best friends i have..
okay, i know it's kind of a childish question..
but then it got me thinking..

there is probably only one girl friend whom i really trust and whom i feel safe telling things to her.. and soon.. yeaps.. she is going to pursue her own happiness. i am happy for her.. and i really do wish her all the best..
maybe i wont feel so lost now.. but when the time comes, no matter how i feel, i guess, i just have to take it in. I am sure she will feel weird leaving all of us here.. but it's her new life, her choice. she got to do what she have to do. as long as she is happy i am sure, the people she leave behind here will be happy for her... We will just give her our best wishes..

and then, on my birthday...
it got me thinking.. yeahs.. i have very pathetic few friends in Singapore. as in really pathetic.
i actually counted the number of people who wished me, those who remembered...
and when i go down the list, i realised they are people who have been sticking by me all these while..
they are not my Hi-Bye friends.. I am pretty glad i have the small bunch of them still with me, for letting me know they remember.
and then.. I also come to realize that, those people whom i thought will always remember... they are all gone also.. those guys.. yeaps.. they are just gone, even when we exchange sms, i just dont feel the "bond" there anymore also.. yeaps..
Maybe i do miss them, but then again, I also realise that, people move on. They don't stop and look back at what has happened.

I kind of feel a little bit lost when I realised I only have so few friends.. yeaps.. I kind of feel sad.
but then also, what Mad & Heup said made sense..
Do I want a lot lot of friends, who are just superficial friends..
or do I want just a small bunch of friends, who really know me for who I am and accepting me for who I am..
I chose the latter.. so yeaps.. I won't complain about having too few friends anymore.. =)

okay. random.
have a nice weekend everyone. =)

last one.

so... its almost 2am. i am still not asleep.
at least for today, i am still not asleep not because i am still studying.
a day of rest for me.. tml got to start studying bit by bit for the last one on 20th! =)

the last few papers was.. all i can say is... i did my best, and honestly, i kind of let go already..
so whether i make it through or not, i guess i will just accept whatever outcome it is.
Of course! I hope I pass all of them.
everyone is having their last exam, bla bla bla.. graduation ceremony... and everything..
i am the only one left. ok maybe not exactly the only one left...
but in a way.. yeahs.. so i hope i graduate fast too!
i cant wait to get out from this boring life.

and then.. tada! i am happy to hear about the news.
Its another big step forward! a really big one! it concerns the rest of your life! well, i guess they must have been really sure about their decision, that's why they chose to move on to take that step. its not easy to have come to that step.
whatever it is, love each other, respect each other, tolerate each other & trust each other.
I wish you both all the best wishes! =)
better treat her nice! =))

and! i am going home soon! yay! yay! yay!

i wana complain.. im getting sick of staying here...
because of the cockroaches.. and all the unhygienic habits..
i hope i have my own house soon!
but oh wells!

and then..
thank you boyfriend, for sending me for exam, all the way at expo and waited for me... just because u know i am not feeling well bcuz of the monthly period!
that is why i still cant let go. because u still care for me.
thank you.

and i am happy! i met ade girl on tuesday!
the ride back to batok from bedok!
i miss talking to you ade girl!

next...
looking forward to
20th May -- last paper!
21st May -- meet Heups for whatever he said he wana give me!
27th May -- Home Sweet Home!
and in between!
meet ups with dear girl! must meet before i go back. promise! i'll go find u if u don't find me..
I'll be thick skin for once and appear at your door step! =p

alright!
good night world!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :)

I had one of the simplest yet memorable birthday ever.
Thank you so much to Mad for tavelling all the way from AMK just to ring me the puffs, soya milk and had lunch with me and Heup. :)

Thanks to Stan's family, especially uncle, I really don't know if stan reminded them or what. Whatever it is, thanks for buying me a bday cake and hvg sakae dinner with me together with the family. I never expect it. Thank you :)

lastly, thank you to all the people who remembered. Thanks for the wishes. Thank you for making me feel loved and letting me know that I still have my close friends here with me. I am grateful for having known this small bunch of u. Thank you for doing these things which appears to be nothing but in actual fact they really made a huge impact on me.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Happy Birthday to me:)
may all my wishes come true:)
let me pass all my exams with flying colours:)

I'll be lighting up my "23" birthday candles today when I sleep:)
a new me, a new 23 year old Lily.
I'll be stronger, wiser & I'll love myself more. Be a nice & sincere girl to all the people around me.

And lastly, thank God for today:)

argh! as the day draws near, im getting more and more nervous.
the good thing is, it means it will all end soon.
and then, when people ask me qns they dun understand, i can explain and do it for them and make them understand.
so that should mean i also know my work right?
bad thing, and i really dont want it to happen.
i really am scared of having cold hands and feet again on the exam day itself and make all the memory go "POOF"
seriously. argh!

enough browsing on FB, it never do me any good.
makes me more sad.
haha.
oh wells, shall go back to studying then.
have a great weekend! great coming holidays to everyone! =)
 
and nope, monday is not my birthday! neither is it my 2nd year in being together with stanley.
oh wells, haha. LAUGH.
its TWO years already. What have i been doing with him.
LOL.
hope everything brightens up. hope everything goes well.
my exam, it had better go well.
as much as i dont agree that, that piece of paper means everything, i also believe that without that piece of paper my future as an independent woman is well gone too.
so no mater what, got to get that piece of paper. by all means.
God Bless me & all taking the exam. =)

and many many big thanks to Heups!
maybe its really silly as to why I am so happy. But really thanks my jie mei! =)
thanks for planning to want to meet me on monday so that you can give me whatever you wana give me. cuz that means you remember that monday is my birthday and you already planned sth for me. Thanks YOU!
it really means a lot to me!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I will meet you right after my exam okays!!! its been too long since i last seen or talk to you!!!
still thank you! thank you! Thank you! =)))

i am still the same old t-shirt and jeans girl, Lily. nothing is changed. I am still me.

oh ya! i designed this, for my Dad's bakery shop brochure. haha!

simple and to the point. =)

My brother was super surprised.
he said, when he received this pic, he was like "WOW!"
he couldn't believe i could come out with that. and its a waste that i didnt go on to pursue my designing ambition.
haha. okay. over-rated. exaggerated.


Now.
BACK TO BOOKS. =D

so i talked to mom for 40 minutes just now using Skype! =)
technology kind of save me quite a bit of money.

Dad's buddy bought my 2nd brother a Blackberry 9700. the new one.
haha. ok lah i am envious, cuz that is actually what i wanted compared to iphone.
but now that i've gotten use to using iphone. i am fine with using iphone now. they are of almost the same price anyways.
but its not about the price. haha. e and my brother are of the same type of people. if people buy for us, then okay lor.. we will use it.. we are grateful.. but even if we dun have it, we are fine with using the "can receive call, can receive sms" phone. =)

and.. uncle's son actually said that studying in singapore is damn easy. he meant. its really easy to study in singapore. I really dont knwo how he got into that conclusion. is it because he is doing his Masters? thats why he find it easy?
bcuz to me and many of my friends, studying in singapore is stressful and difficult. =(

I want my dreams to be realised.
The dream about flying. partly its the pay! next is I GET TO TRAVEL. =)

oh well, now.. better concentrate on the 5 modules first and believe that i can do it.
I need to work on that.
=)

Hahah.. I've been really rebelious these past one week and still so till now.. Lol..
I used to be one looking for stan and smsing him every morning every night. Now, I'm no more so! And I am so proud of myself! I am able to do it!
Not that it's sth very li hai or what! But really now I no longer find him nor SMS him unless he do so first. I don't SMS him in d morning anymore.. At night I'll just sleep n of my phone without informing him or saying gd night to him.
I know this is not healthy but I am actually really preparing myself to leave him. Sounds silly right. But yah I am distancing myself. Today is wednesday. I havent seen him since Saturday night. Supposed to go meet him for lunch or whatsoever the past few days but iturned them all down. I just have my reason. Bcuz it's either I just wana stay longer in school to study or I m just lazy thinking about hvgto go home later after meeting him by bus when I can just go home from school in also one straight bus. So y the hassle..
So yeaps! I am proud of myself. The thing about guys is really when u distance urself they just some how will be attracted to u. Believe it or not, they will automatically find u when u distance urself. When u r there with them, they just treat u like a dirt -_-"

Real or just faking it?

I used to be a girl who believes in anything and everything people say..
But now I'm beginning to doubt what humans are saying to each other..
Often when I read ppl's blog..fb..twitter.. I can't help but ask myself this qns.. Are those real or not?
All the hugs! I miss you! I love u comments.. Which is written by people on almost every single day is abit.. I duno I can't help but to think that.. Are they saying it for the sake of saying it? Or Are they trying to prove something?
I really don't know.. Probably because I'm not anywhere like them, that I began to doubt their sincerity.. Because when I miss someone, I love someone.. I really mean it, because I feel that these "words" are "sacred" is sacred the word?! Duno la.. I know what I meant.. I just think that if u dun mean it don't say it... If u say too much of it, it'll become routine and just one of ur expression of words just like hi! And bye!
U get what I mean?!
It's just... Hmm.. Yeahhs.. I think I have typed what I wana type. No one is going to read anyway.. So it doesn't really matter if anyone understands or not.. Heh..

Have a happy saturday n sunday everyone!
Today's the eve of bestie bday! I hope she will be happy today and tomorrow N of course everyday. Yups. Enjoy urself girl! :)
happy advanced birthday! :)