feelings.

i am at IT again. what's new right. this time, (ok lah not so new a feeling) rather i am actually admitting that i am having that feeling.

yesterday was at a Vesak Day event at Temple. There is a bazzaar, so i am just sitting around, eating, buying things, helped out at some stalls and chit chatting. so Mom's friend came over to chit chat and asked me if i have a bf already. and i actually said "NO". HAHA.
ok i have his permission that i can go find better guys. i am actually waiting for him to ditch me. but sometimes i also ask myself, what if he don't ditch me? what if we got married and then like what uncle say, after one child, we will wnat a divorce from me?
shit no! i dont want that to happen to me! I don't want. SO maybe can someone give me teh courage to leave him if i set my mind on it?

so! Mom's friend, actually said that she wana intro a good guy to me! HAHAHAH!
and she sounded like she really will bring the guy to see me or something like that.
so my mom told her that i have a boyfriend already. uz my mom is scared that her friend will bring the guy and haha! funny liao!
then i tell my mama! meet new friends nothing wrong what! LOL~~~

okay, lets keep it short.
i dont know why i said i dun have a bf when i have.. but actually.. to be really honest, i feel like i am single now. like i dont have any boyfriend. yups.
im sure u all know why.
we dont text, sometimes we dont even msn. so basically, we just dont communicate at all while i am back here!
its not weird at all. cuz i see this coming! haha. oh wells, maybe we r having a silent break up.
whatever. i feel like i am single, so i shall be. =)

nights! gona sleep!
bye!
have a happy holiday! =)

homed.

i've been home for almost 4 days now =)
everything is good. i should be contented. =)
kind of not used to the heat and the dust and mozzies!
so since we have helpers who will help my mom, so most of the time i will stay in my room, on air-con and watch movies.. =)
but of course i dont stay in there for one whole day.. i will still come down and help tend the shop =).
so the last few days.
finalissed the brochure.
for now till sunday. i gt to work on my CV for SIA.
actually i really dont know what i should with it, mom said sth which made me hold back. but then again, i just want to give it a try and at least at the end of the day, i wana say, i tried and i sent it my CV and did everything i could. =)

me and mom talked alot. apparently, ,things didnt really change much, my parents are still hoping i will finish my studies soon. and yes i do want to finish sooon. so that i can say, yes i got my degree.
so that mom and dad wont feel so bad also, at least the kiddos they sent to singapore to study since we were small kids have now graduated and got their degree. yups. i should at least do this for them and of course for myself.
I cant help but to get really worried.
I know the reason as to why i couldnt fall asleep everynight. i am really scared.
i really hope i pass this exam.
i hope i pass everything and then go on to the last year to finish my studies.
i will make sacrifices. i really will.
because i've set my mind into doing it. be it going home from school to the library or whatever. i just need to do it and make sure i pass the last year if i pass everything this year.
i really hope i pass. else i really dont know what to do.

life is really unpredictable.
my bro went to the other shop and his pri school mate came to buy breads! and  his friend's brother was also my classmate! from what i remember that boy used to be very naughty, don't do well in studies and just create trouble in school, getting into fights and all that.
who would ever think that, now this day.. he would be able to crave out a career for himself. actuallly he is his own boss. he owns a handphone shop and has his own house now, at the age of 23.
yeahs, u all might think that, a house and a shop in Indonesia dont mean much. i'm just trying to say, yeah.. even if we dont do well in school so what. in the end as long as you succeed in your life, its all that matters in the end.

look at me, at the age of 23, i'm still trying my best to finish school. and then, whats in store for me in future? i still have no idea at all. =(
but i guess i will just see some light some time soon? hopefully. =)

i haven't been replying people's sms to my phone. yes u all got the number correct. its me. i dont hold a single phone in indo. =p
its pretty good actually, in singapore i somehow is always there with my phone. replying sms-es instantly, over here, not that i don't wnat to reply, its i cant. cuz i dont have a phone with me. its good to be detached from all these technology sometime. =)

so, i've been good. hopefully everyone in singapore is good too.

hope everything will go on smoothly for you dear girl. the process will take sometime, but in the end, i believe you'll have a happy outcome. =)
i wish i could do something to help, but, well, i guess its obvious, i cant do much. =(
but still yeaps..
ALL THE VERY BEST WISHES FOR YOU. THREE! =)

their happiness.

I finally meet Bestie, Alicia & Mitch today! finally!
after meeting up, I am relieved. all i can say is, I am happy they found each other.
This is probably the don't know how many times i repeated this.
but yeahs, I am really happy they found each other.
He may not be the perfect guy, with the perfect personality and everything!
But, I must say that, at least, he's one of the better ones among all the guys i have ever seen.
the way he treat my Bestie, even, me after spending only 8 hours with them, I see that he is a guy, girls can depend on, and, I know my Bestie is in safe hands.
He is just so different from other guys. It's difficult to put this into words.Whatever it is, I am really happy my dear girl is in safe hands and they found each other.
Its really difficult for outsiders to comprehend what I am talking about.
Whatever it is, just give your blessings and wish them well. I am sure they will do well in future. =)
Lastly, I am really happy they found each other =)
When they got down the car just now, I really just miss them so much! I know its silly to say this! I dont know, i just feel that i lost something! then how am i going to survive not seeing my dear girl when she moves to Darwin?!
I should stop being silly and.. get use to it! they are welcome to visit me in Jakarta if they are free. always welcome =)
I guess I'll never forget how when I am holding Alicia hand, and every passer-by is staring at me with that-kind of eyes. I guess, that is exactly how my dear girl felt when she first started going out with Mitch.
Human's eyes are a powerful weapon. They really are.
Don't get me wrong, I don't feel hurt just now..  but if i am in bestie position back then and people are staring at me as if i am some weirdo, then really, I'll be really hurt. but throughout the day, I learnt to ignore their "harmless" looks.

I'm going back tomorrow.. but I am not feeling at all excited. I don't know why.. 
Its like I am even lazy to pack up..
It's probably because, I am scared of going back. I really hate how its really so pressurizing.
back at home to face the families.. and here to face the books..
I know the questions which i will get will be....

So how's exams? Can pass? When are you graduating? have u broken up with Stanley?

what kind of job will u be in, in future? do you think u can graduate next year? how's your friends doing? blablabla~~~~~~

I am really sick as to how this future thing is bogging me down.
I am really sick and scared about my future, how it will be like and everything...
I am envious and in fact, i am jealous at how all my friends have all graduated and I am still here, floating in uncertainty.
I really hate how I am in this stupid situation..

sorry no offense, but I hate how i am still in this country. still a foreign student, trying to crawl my way out of this shitty hole. I really hate it. period.

I really wish i could get out from here as soon as possible.
I just don't like the environment. it's not human. it's more of a robotic kind of life. devoid of feelings. everyone is doing their own thing. living their own world. I am even more hating my life, because I am still stuck, studying something which i really hate.


but then again, it's all in the mind.


while i am back home, if anyone wants to contact me...
sms to my +6598828316 number..
alternatively and safer...
email me at lily_zly@hotmail.com


alright, I hope lily will have a happy holiday.

=D

okay! yesterday was awesome!
I meant Friday!
met up with Heup! okay! his bday "gift" was really unexpected!
I would never guess he would bring me to go for FACIAL!
He just made me fell in love with the facial place! because i just kept praising the services there!
Its really highly recommended by me! =))
but i forgot whats the name ald.. Is it Royal Secrets? I know its something Secrets!
Its really just awesome!!! =))

and then we went lunch! okay! that FAR EAST "la mian" is no longer one of my fav food anymore! it just tastes yucky when i go there yesterday with heup! so, that will be the last time i am there! =)

then we went MOVIE! I haven't catch any movie in months! and finally watched a 2nd movie with Heup! "The Last Song" is nice! I teared! =)

and after that we parted ways and i went to visit my doctor! =(
looks like i have to feed on medicines every single night from now on =(
seriously, that kind of sucks.
but i don't want to be this unhealthy!

so anyways, meeting with Heup is really nice! talked a lot lot! as usual!
i'm glad we didn't succeed in turning our back against each other! =p
thanks you once again! =))

so fast! its now Sunday!
and I'm feeling lucky today because, I just chance upon SIA recruitment in Jakarta!
they want us to send in CV though. Its not a walk-in interview.
So, I am actually going to work on my CV and make plans to have a simple full-length photo of me taken.
My dream to be an air-stewardess is still on, I still don't want to give up on it!
I simply love traveling! and i love serving people! so being an air-stewardess is definitely going to make me feel contented! I'll get to travel!
I'll get to serve people! =))

So i guess, i need to go sleep! I need to do alot of things the moment i open my eyes later! =)

nights all! =)
Have a great Sunday! =)

over.

yay! exam is over! I DONT HAVE TO STUDY ANYMORE, at least for the next 3 months! =))
I am really happy! i no need to study for the next three months!
I'll definitely be happier if i dont have to study anymore for the rest of my life, but whatever.
and whats best is, these next few days will be just, fun fun fun! anything is fun as long as i dont have to face the books! =)
I'm meeting heups later for, something.. go city hall for sth, i din bother asking go there do what, cuz he wont tell me anyway.. i have to go there and see whats in store for me for myself!
then at night got to go see the docs. I skipped one week of visiting them and i am feeling kind of unhealthy.
cuz i have difficulty breathing and headaches is coming back far too often.and because of exams, and i dun wan the headache to bug me, within 2 weeks, i finished one whole strip of panadol. mmm... =(
but no worries, i am alright actually.
I can run, can skip, can jump, can laugh, can breathe. Just that I cant do too much of them.
just like sports car can run up to 200km/hr...
i am just like cherry qq, which can only run for 80km/hr maximum...
that is how the doc described my condition to me.. by heart isn't as good as other people's heart. Its not damaged or anything.. just that it cant do much, which explains all my other illnesses...
like even when i am sitting down, my heart will suddenly beat very fast! and then it will slow down again soon after! 
gasping for breath even when i am sitting here typing! i might just die if i forget how to breathe. haha! ok exaggerating! =p
I am really fine! so no worries! definitely not leaving earth that soon! =))

I am looking forward to monday! to meet bestie min! =))
and then, tomorrow is the last day of teaching! woo hoo hoo hoo!!! haha! i am happy for that too! =)))
and then, tuesday to go home!

sat and sunday.. hmm... got to go ade house collect clothes to be given to my little cousins at home..
and then hopefully spend happy times with stan.. hopefully ba! =)
i am crossing all my fingers, that hopefully we will spend some quality and happy time together..

i hate quarrelling!
okay! they are a also a way of communication.
but if u could communicate nicely, happily, then why would u wnat to quarrel right?! right??

okay! off to shower and then... go out out out!

its weird im trembling when its not even cold! =(

okay! Miranda Cosgrove - Kissing U ..
is replaying and replaying now! =)))

have a great weekend all! =))

new

I found a new song for myself le.
I've been replaying this song again and again on my ipod. =)
I just love it the minute i hear it! =)
It made my heart feels heavy but at the same time it made me feel better too. =)

and yeaps...
at some point in life, people around you are just going to leave you one by one...
maybe they wont leave you forever, maybe they will...
there is a point in time where, everyone will get busy and things just wont be the same anymore.
at least it wont be like how you want it to be.
so, in the end, all the people you love will just leave you one by one..
its sad isn't it?
but then again. there is nothing you can do, except, to just accept them as they come along.. yeaps..

and then, I also know..
when the time comes, Stanley will also leave me.
everything has got to do with fate I guess, when the fate between you and the other person has ended, you'll just leave each other.
not only couples, in friendship too..
so yeahs..
I really dont know what to say when people around me ask me when am i going to leave stan.
thing is, maybe i am not used to myself leaving others, so i dont know how to do it..
and maybe i am used to people leaving me, so maybe, i will let him leave me.
or when, i've had it.. maybe then, i will leave him.. yeapps...

and then yst, Irene girl asked me something..
she asked me how many best friends i have..
okay, i know it's kind of a childish question..
but then it got me thinking..

there is probably only one girl friend whom i really trust and whom i feel safe telling things to her.. and soon.. yeaps.. she is going to pursue her own happiness. i am happy for her.. and i really do wish her all the best..
maybe i wont feel so lost now.. but when the time comes, no matter how i feel, i guess, i just have to take it in. I am sure she will feel weird leaving all of us here.. but it's her new life, her choice. she got to do what she have to do. as long as she is happy i am sure, the people she leave behind here will be happy for her... We will just give her our best wishes..

and then, on my birthday...
it got me thinking.. yeahs.. i have very pathetic few friends in Singapore. as in really pathetic.
i actually counted the number of people who wished me, those who remembered...
and when i go down the list, i realised they are people who have been sticking by me all these while..
they are not my Hi-Bye friends.. I am pretty glad i have the small bunch of them still with me, for letting me know they remember.
and then.. I also come to realize that, those people whom i thought will always remember... they are all gone also.. those guys.. yeaps.. they are just gone, even when we exchange sms, i just dont feel the "bond" there anymore also.. yeaps..
Maybe i do miss them, but then again, I also realise that, people move on. They don't stop and look back at what has happened.

I kind of feel a little bit lost when I realised I only have so few friends.. yeaps.. I kind of feel sad.
but then also, what Mad & Heup said made sense..
Do I want a lot lot of friends, who are just superficial friends..
or do I want just a small bunch of friends, who really know me for who I am and accepting me for who I am..
I chose the latter.. so yeaps.. I won't complain about having too few friends anymore.. =)

okay. random.
have a nice weekend everyone. =)

last one.

so... its almost 2am. i am still not asleep.
at least for today, i am still not asleep not because i am still studying.
a day of rest for me.. tml got to start studying bit by bit for the last one on 20th! =)

the last few papers was.. all i can say is... i did my best, and honestly, i kind of let go already..
so whether i make it through or not, i guess i will just accept whatever outcome it is.
Of course! I hope I pass all of them.
everyone is having their last exam, bla bla bla.. graduation ceremony... and everything..
i am the only one left. ok maybe not exactly the only one left...
but in a way.. yeahs.. so i hope i graduate fast too!
i cant wait to get out from this boring life.

and then.. tada! i am happy to hear about the news.
Its another big step forward! a really big one! it concerns the rest of your life! well, i guess they must have been really sure about their decision, that's why they chose to move on to take that step. its not easy to have come to that step.
whatever it is, love each other, respect each other, tolerate each other & trust each other.
I wish you both all the best wishes! =)
better treat her nice! =))

and! i am going home soon! yay! yay! yay!

i wana complain.. im getting sick of staying here...
because of the cockroaches.. and all the unhygienic habits..
i hope i have my own house soon!
but oh wells!

and then..
thank you boyfriend, for sending me for exam, all the way at expo and waited for me... just because u know i am not feeling well bcuz of the monthly period!
that is why i still cant let go. because u still care for me.
thank you.

and i am happy! i met ade girl on tuesday!
the ride back to batok from bedok!
i miss talking to you ade girl!

next...
looking forward to
20th May -- last paper!
21st May -- meet Heups for whatever he said he wana give me!
27th May -- Home Sweet Home!
and in between!
meet ups with dear girl! must meet before i go back. promise! i'll go find u if u don't find me..
I'll be thick skin for once and appear at your door step! =p

alright!
good night world!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :)

I had one of the simplest yet memorable birthday ever.
Thank you so much to Mad for tavelling all the way from AMK just to ring me the puffs, soya milk and had lunch with me and Heup. :)

Thanks to Stan's family, especially uncle, I really don't know if stan reminded them or what. Whatever it is, thanks for buying me a bday cake and hvg sakae dinner with me together with the family. I never expect it. Thank you :)

lastly, thank you to all the people who remembered. Thanks for the wishes. Thank you for making me feel loved and letting me know that I still have my close friends here with me. I am grateful for having known this small bunch of u. Thank you for doing these things which appears to be nothing but in actual fact they really made a huge impact on me.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Happy Birthday to me:)
may all my wishes come true:)
let me pass all my exams with flying colours:)

I'll be lighting up my "23" birthday candles today when I sleep:)
a new me, a new 23 year old Lily.
I'll be stronger, wiser & I'll love myself more. Be a nice & sincere girl to all the people around me.

And lastly, thank God for today:)