Bitter sweet. Closing chapter Singapore.

Going back home tomorrow after being away for 17 years. 

Its a bitter sweet feeling. 

This place is full of memories for me.

Best friends, close friends, buddies, boyfriend, friends, colleagues, good times, bad times. 

Now that i have to say goodbye, its a bitter sweet feeling.

Im happy im leaving here to finally go home to a place i can call my home. 

I have never been really really super happy over here. Simply because i dont have a home of my own and i have to "看人家脸色＂ cuz this is not my home i cannot do anything to my own liking. 

Humans are funny people. Sometimes friends are closer to me than relatives. Its somewhat true. Or maybe its just my relatives who r this type of people, ok i cannot say all my relatives are such. At least the one i know is. Whether u mean it or not, it hurts when u say i have to clear my things fast and dont leave anything behind and its better for me to go back and move out fast so that you can use the room fully for yourself. And u want to start redecorating the room as soon as i am gone. 

I mean why treat me like that? Its not as if i dont pay rental. Its not as if, i create a lot of trouble for u. Or maybe i do. Now that i am out of the way, i hope u'll live better. Whatever.

I will be single officially once the clock strikes 2215 tml. Very sad. I always hoped that Stan will be the one. Sadded that he is not and we have to break up. Oh wells, i can only hope that both of us will be able to really find THE ONE person who has been paired to us by God. Is there such a thg? Do u believe in it? 

Lastly i really hope that, i will be able to love and live well and good things will come to me once i am in Jakarta. 

Dear God, please have some mercy on your child, forgive me for all my wrong doings and show me towards the right path. 

This should come very surprising. And i am in fact, also quite surprised with this feeling i have. 

Its a definite that i am going back to Jakarta for good. No more changes. 

Whats surprising is, i actually feel the sadness of leaving. Having to leave Stanley, my bf of 5 years. My friends from school, college and just friends. And lastly, having to live Spore. I practically grow up here. Its been 17 years.

Now that i am leaving this place. I feel scared, its like leaving a comfort zone. Well not exactly very comfort comfort zon, but yeahs, i have been independent for 17 years, and now i am going home to be dependant on my family, i can only hope that things will turn good and turn for the better. 

I cannot believe that my relationship of 5 years is going to end up, busted. Its like i got into a relationship for nothing. 

I am sad. I will miss him definitely. Then again i know, i have to let go, this time round. 

Plan-less

So im going back home to Jakarta for good. Its been decided. Have told my cousin. Told most, if not all of my friends in Singapore. All those that will be affected has been informed. Kind of.

Next thing to do is to wait for big boss to come back from India, then i can resign proper.

And then pack up my things. And then meet up with all my friends before i really pack up and go.

And then off i go home.

Honestly, i dont know what im gonna do at home. Most probably will learn how to bake. Yesh, no joke. BAKE. I will try to grow to like it, hopefully it is in me, the baker in me will be revealed. Then bake something out. To sell at Mommy's shop. And then if it turns out well, i will open my own outlet :)


It will be a very FRESH start for me. Totally NEW.

I only have my family at home in Jakarta. No friends at all. So yeahs, HOPEFULLY, it will out turn good. I will get to make some new friends, open new shop and have new income.

Dear God, please let this turn out well!

Been back for a week now. Everyday has been spent outside. At night when i come back i talk to cousins. I smile i laugh.
But when im alone, all i can think about is home. Papa, i miss you. Where are you?

I cant sleep, cant fall asleep. I miss you, Daddy. I miss home too.

I hope everyone's well. Im thankful for my friends, who has been trying to make me laugh, keep me accompany. Thank you. I hope i will get better soon. But certain feelings cant be controlled. Im glad u guys r here to distract me.

Thank you.

26 days

It's been 26 days Daddy. I still cannot accept the fact that you are no longer here. Its very heart breaking. You are deeply missed and remembered by all your customers. They couldnt believe that you are gone too. Till now people still ask me.

Them: "Where is the uncle that usually look after the shop"
Me:" He pass away."
Them:" are u joking, that uncle?"
Me:" yes thats my Papa, he is no longer here, i am not joking, i wish its all just a joke."

No more you.
Why?
Why? Sometimes i think you not entirely to blame for your health condition. We didnt take care of you or maybe each other well enough. We are all separated. One at each place. We r all left to take care of ourself. With the assumption that. We r all old enough to know what to eat and what not to eat. What to do and what not to.

Dad u didnt give me any chance at all, to take care of you.
When u fell and woke up, do u remember i said that i will bring u to the doctor for ull body check up the following week and you said YES to me?

Then why!!!!!!!!!! Im not blaming you Daddy.
I am not blaming anyone. But why cant i, when i already have the ability to take care of u and mommy. I am not given this chance?! Why?

Whats so good about this life, when the family is no longer complete? Its not complete without your presence, Pa!

Dad

Papa, it still feels unreal. 2 weeks ago i was in singapore happily waiting to come back jkt on friday night and you will be waiting for me at the airport.

I miss you alot. I really do. Today, this date this second u r no longer around. Nowhere. I dont know why this happened. Why God took you away so soon.


Dad. I really miss you alot. I want you to come bck. Please come back to me. I dont know where you are now. I dont want u to go. :(

I know there is no more you. Your body has been cremated. All thats left is just pictures and your ashes. I know there is no more you. Reality is, there is no more you. i cannot accept it. I really miss u alot. I want you back. Alive, At the other shop and when i call u will pick up the phone.

Papa i really miss you. A lot. I want you back. I know no amount of tears, misses or anything at all can bring you bck. But i really want you back. You are the head of this family. Just like a body cannot live without its head. This family doesnt feel right without you.

Pa.. I miss u alot.. Will u please ease this ache just by a little bit? Just a little bit will do. I really miss you.

How can i continue to live as per normal when its not normal anymore. :'(

New year.

Its supposed to be a new year, new happenings. New wishes, new hopes, new luck. I have been wishing that everything can turn for the better, believing that everything can be better.
Its that believe and faith that can keep me going.

But, its getting really very  very tiring. i m very tired of leading this kind of life.
Well, maybe in the eyes of others, my life is not that bad. I have a job. I have an income every mth.

But i m not happy. Im not happy in this position, i dont like being in this position. I dont like being here.
Then again ppl will say that, there is always no fun in working for others. But then there is always jobs that is meaningful. Doing something that u love doing. Or sth related.

Sometimes i ask why. Why m i in this position. How did i end up here. How? What exactly did i do wrong? What is it?

I dont ask for much, i just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for? I want to stop leading such a screw up life.

End it or i shall end it myself.