i just want enough strength to bring me through this.
i want to continue with this.
in the hope that.
things will be better.
i will be happier.
everything will fall back in place.
and everyone will really be happy for me.
i want us, all to be happy.
because i made the right choice.
it's not the time to shed tears now.
it's not the time.


i needed happiness, remember? :)

my heart still feels heavy every single time it happens.
i know it's going to happen. but then i still can't help it.
my heart still ache, every single time.
i don't want to care. yet it's not right.
because if i no longer care, then what's the point of this all.
but i know if i don't care, I'll be happier. definitely.
because i don't have to think about it.
maybe not happier, but at least, my heart won't ache as much.
yeahs. can someone tell me what to do?
because it's very.
torturing.
tiring.
and.
saddening.


and i am very
unhappy.

bored with studying and studying.
bored with this thingy.
haha.
i don't know if i am doing right or wrong.
but oh wells. 走一步算一步吧！
don't want to think.
or rather. there is no use thinking, because in the end, there'll be no outcome.
yeaps.


the only thing i'm looking forward to now is .. gatherings with the 71s. =)
nothing else because meeting ups with them is somehow confirmed.
the rest are not confirmed, just pure bullshitting. which is equivalent to wasting my time and brain cells, by even telling me in the first place. =x

i am still very tired.
still the talk till 3am in the morning did damage to me.
for TWO days straight i can't concentrate in doing a n y t h i n g. not even in lessons ok?!?! =(
and. JFYI i am not talking to my bf on the phone.
it's not him.
it's a her.
ok la. i dun blame her. haha. lols. nvms.
just that. no more kate night talks when i have school the next day please.
thank you very much.
i mean there are 24 hours a day. choose a time which is better? haha.


i hope i could say something nicer.
i hope i could say more nicer things.
but don't know why.
i can't.
oh wells.
i don't want to think.
i don't want to think.
i don't want to think.


i hope Bestie girl, will come to SIM to study with me one day! :D
everyday also can la! =D


and that day, i went Mad hse right?
Mad girl, u noe. i am still thinking WHY WHY WHY.
I know the whole matter ended like SIX MONTHS ago!
But i don't know wth he did or I did that make her so unhappy?!?!
i still can't think of any.
sian.
it hurts. :(
anw, good luck and all d best for ur last paper on Thursday yeahs!


but oh wells,
i still don't want to think.
don't want to think.
don't want to think.


and oh yeahs. i went to catch Madagascar 2 with him yesterday.
it's quite nice. Funny. should go catch it if you haven't.
It's a pretty nice movie. haha. :D

i am always having that feeling these few days.
haha.
neverminds.
oh wells.


anyway, i went to visit Mad girl.
NICE~~
finally.
after so long, i see her and i talk to her again.
Jia you for the last paper girlie! :)
and thanks for entertaining me just now. :)


i want to go holiday lehs.
i am jealous.
eh no.
not jealous.
more of i envy them
Ade girl & Lh gg to HK at the end of Dec.
Bestie girl is gg to Jap.
Mad girl is gg to cruise.
so nice.
all of them are gg holis.
Oh wells. enjoy yourself girls! :)
but i also wana go for a holis. :(
haha.
have a happy weekend people. :)


oh wells.
.n e v e r m i n d s.

I feel bitter.
no no. i am not emo-ing.
it's just that yeahs.
I still can't get used to it.
I am scared i will make things worst.
I hope i won't make things worst.
I really hope i won't.
I was telling Lh that, now,
in my mind, in my heart, i am forcing myself to accept the fact that.
yeahs. things aren't the same anymore.
now, in my heart, in my mind. i keep telling myself..
If got meet then good, if don't have also nevermind.
so it's like. if he comes to find me then YAY! he is here.
If not then too bad.
Lh say that it's unhealthy.
LH say that, that was like her r/ship with ks.
Its unhealthy.
I know it's unhealthy.
But that is the only way to make myself feel better.
no expectations = no disappointments.


you see, if i let myself have the mentality.
"after school go home. nothing else. weekend just stay at home and study."
isn't it better?
rather than thinking..
"will he come and find me later? after school go meet him or go home? weekend he have anything on? are we going out? am i meeting him?"
thinking about the latter is so. yeahs.
i am sorry. but i don't like the feeling. all d uncertainty.


i don't want to feel all happy and then get thrown down.
i don't want to have any hopes.
because hoping leads to disappointment.
expectations lead to disappointments too.


but i have to understand that.
he is not like me.
he is not me.
because, i meet my friends only once in a while.
and i mostly only meet those who are close to me.
other than that it'll be class outing.
my close friends.
Mad girl, she stays in AMK. that is quite far and she is busy with school and work.
Bestie stay in BP but yeahs. she is busy with school work n her own personal stuffs.
Ade girl is working almost everyday and she has sch and a bf. so like, yeahs. i rarely find her also.
LH i meet her in school every monday. and we grab every chance we have to talk. ask me why i dont want to go her hse when she stays only at CCK. because i feel guilty. i cant go. i kept thinking people are studying hard now. and there u r playing wii?!?! that is why i dont want to go.
Yik Ping. haha. this girl is available. i just need to find time and then yesh i can go meet her.
Heup seng! lol. my neighbour! lols. hahas. can anytime jio him out at night during weekends. but then, go out = spend money. =(


there is another reason why i din take the effort to go meet these close friends of mine up too.
there is a reason. and this reason is the big problem and its the main reason actually. another is i just can't bring myself to go out and have fun. I don't know why. but i just can't do so. i just feel that, sometimes, it's better being alone. because now, i feel that i am a burden to him.



and please. readers. don't come to me and repeat what i typed to me. i hate the feeling of being reminded. i blog because i want to rant. i don't need you to remind me what i rant about. thanks.

i actually created another account at wordpress. LOL.
but then, i decide to come back to the simpler blogger. =D


i am starting to study le.
yeahs. i cannot keep procrastinating le.
i keep telling Shane i will stay in library and study. but never really did so.
today i did stay back to study but for a teeny while only. from 1130 till 2pm.
whatever the reason is, it's no longer important now.
for the next few weeks and probably till exam period?
my goal is clear, to pass all the subjects with flying colours.
I really mean nice nice colours.
I know maybe like, a bit too much if i say i want to get FCH?
is it possible? nothing is impossible right?
whatever it is, i will continue, i will work harder, i need to work harder.
i need to get FCH. I need to. :D


suprosingly, the IBM lecturer inspired me and make me to want to study more lehs. =D
yeahs. no more time to waste.


I am happy that Dearest is starting his work tomorrow.
It'll mean, I know i am not meeting him after school or whatever.
So i'll stop having any hopes of meeting him or going out to have fun during weekdays. :D
So is like, I can fully concentrate on my studies. no distractions.
Of course, i still want to spend time with him la.
After all, it's one of the ways to help me de-stress. :)


and, Dearest ORD-ed today. :)
Happy for him, finally he is a civilian again. Got his PINK IC back ald.
we went Sixth avenue there to have ice cream just now. :)
NICE~~ :)


K le.
Off to do read ups for tomorrow's lecture. It'll be another long day again.
Jia you bahs! :)


To my dearest girls who are having exams now.
JIA YOU & ALL THE BEST OKIES! :)
NO STRESS! :)

this will be my last entry.
m not going to blog anymore.
until i feel like doing so again?
take care people. :)