I feel bitter.
no no. i am not emo-ing.
it's just that yeahs.
I still can't get used to it.
I am scared i will make things worst.
I hope i won't make things worst.
I really hope i won't.
I was telling Lh that, now,
in my mind, in my heart, i am forcing myself to accept the fact that.
yeahs. things aren't the same anymore.
now, in my heart, in my mind. i keep telling myself..
If got meet then good, if don't have also nevermind.
so it's like. if he comes to find me then YAY! he is here.
If not then too bad.
Lh say that it's unhealthy.
LH say that, that was like her r/ship with ks.
Its unhealthy.
I know it's unhealthy.
But that is the only way to make myself feel better.
no expectations = no disappointments.
you see, if i let myself have the mentality.
"after school go home. nothing else. weekend just stay at home and study."
isn't it better?
rather than thinking..
"will he come and find me later? after school go meet him or go home? weekend he have anything on? are we going out? am i meeting him?"
thinking about the latter is so. yeahs.
i am sorry. but i don't like the feeling. all d uncertainty.
i don't want to feel all happy and then get thrown down.
i don't want to have any hopes.
because hoping leads to disappointment.
expectations lead to disappointments too.
but i have to understand that.
he is not like me.
he is not me.
because, i meet my friends only once in a while.
and i mostly only meet those who are close to me.
other than that it'll be class outing.
my close friends.
Mad girl, she stays in AMK. that is quite far and she is busy with school and work.
Bestie stay in BP but yeahs. she is busy with school work n her own personal stuffs.
Ade girl is working almost everyday and she has sch and a bf. so like, yeahs. i rarely find her also.
LH i meet her in school every monday. and we grab every chance we have to talk. ask me why i dont want to go her hse when she stays only at CCK. because i feel guilty. i cant go. i kept thinking people are studying hard now. and there u r playing wii?!?! that is why i dont want to go.
Yik Ping. haha. this girl is available. i just need to find time and then yesh i can go meet her.
Heup seng! lol. my neighbour! lols. hahas. can anytime jio him out at night during weekends. but then, go out = spend money. =(
there is another reason why i din take the effort to go meet these close friends of mine up too.
there is a reason. and this reason is the big problem and its the main reason actually. another is i just can't bring myself to go out and have fun. I don't know why. but i just can't do so. i just feel that, sometimes, it's better being alone. because now, i feel that i am a burden to him.
and please. readers. don't come to me and repeat what i typed to me. i hate the feeling of being reminded. i blog because i want to rant. i don't need you to remind me what i rant about. thanks.
