all my close frens know that i have 1fren whom i sort of grew up with whose parents are divorced n whose dad is my dad's very close friend. and this uncle, i do respect him alot. so apparently, usually, when adults get a divorce, the one who will be hurt most is their children. most of the cases will be so. but in this case, from what i see, its the dad who is really hurt. from the day they got a divorce, he is left all alone, he lost his 3 daughters over night. he has a daughter who is 1 yr younger than i am and yes, she is my close fren.


so everytime i go back home, her dad will come by my shop, and ask about his daughter. =( and every single time, his eyes teared. it really hurts me alot. he missed his daughter to the extent of asking me if i want to be his god daughter or not. apparently, me n tt fren, we also hv alot in common. n her dad could see that. and everytime i go back, he would ask me to help him contact his daughter, ask her to give him a call, when her mom is not around.


i could remember very clearly how her dad dotes on her, how much he loves her and how much she USED to love him. i just couldnt accept the fact that everything could be changed overnight.
i kept thinking, your eyes could blind you, but your heart won't.


and furthermore i am very sure they know very well who is at fault. when they sided more to material things, i understand y, because we are all human. but to erase off almost 1/3 of ur life into a blank piece of paper, i seriously dont know how they could do that. a father figure, a father who brought them up, they could delete him out of their life, JUST LIKE THAT.


i could still rmb how she answered me when i ask her if she got call her dad or look him up when he came by singapore years ago. and she said,
"i ask da-jie to go with me, i am scared, i dont want to meet him alone, i dont even know what to say to him."
at that point in time, i only answered her, "he is YOUR father."


sometimes i really wonder how their mind works. :( how could they do this.
while they r hvg family reunion here n there, seeing other ppl with their parents, i often wonder, have thoughts of their dad ever crossed their mind. the fact that their dad is still alive and there living alone, without anyone of his family with him. have they ever thought about it.
i always believed that, no matter who is in the wrong, HE IS STILL YOUR
DAD AND SHE IS STILL YOUR MOM.
u r all connected by BLOOD.


yesterday, uncle sms-ed me from JAKARTA. he said he missed his daughter alot and wana see how she looks like now. so he asked for her facebook name. i texted him back immediately n gave him her email. then he replied me saying, he couldnt see her from d pic v well cuz she was with a bunch of frens on her dp. he asked me to ask my fren to contact him. just an sms will do. he really misses his daughter alot. =(((


i m really thinking, y must things be like that. people who r not with their parents are dying to be with them. here, people who have their parents are doing so much to hurt them.


life.

i just feel that its really nice and the feeling is really nice whenever u meet up with "old" friends! esp, aft so so long. i am a very lazy person.
lazy to go out, lazy this n lazy that.
but when i know i have to do sth, i know i just have to do it.
it's about responsibility, self-fulfilment n satisfying/ answering to the dearest people involved.


yes! i meet my another dearest girl today! ade girl! :D
its been sometime since i sat down n chit chat with her! :))
its really nice nice! thats the the thing with close friends! no secrets! i really treasure these people alot. how i trusted them and how they do so the same way. and how i know they will never judge me like others who don't know me.
so anyway, its all great, seeing her doing well. i'm sure things will turn out for the better and even better for her. i knoe things will just turn out fine. :)
and! thanks alot girl to u n SY for
listening and all the advices! it somehow, enlightened me.
and not to mention the gifts u bought for me!! thanksss!!!
n again! gundu n forgetful me! i alw 4get 2 bring the woody keychain i bought for all my close frens from Bali!
its nth expensiveee! but, i dont know what else to get! i'll make sure i bring the keychain the next time i meet my dearest girllss. :)



n then d talk, brought me back to reality again. i really should end my
own misery n i should be fair n talk this over with him. yups! :) thanks 4 enlightening me. :D


n really, nothing is ever enough.
i will do more, practise more, understand more. just more lah! n i'll do whatever i can. this time round must pass if not do better than a pass. i just don't believe that i am that stupid. i know i m not.
focus! :D

i sent my baobei vaio for repair yst! n im missing it now ald! :(
but also good. no lappy means no show means no msn, means can devote 100% of my time to finish the unfinished tutorials. haha. trust mel they are a lot!

n i finally straighten my thoughts again. haha, when im emo nemo, my brain really knows how to divert attention to i-dont-know-where. but now, im all good again. thanks to myself. :D


n i've been spending time reading my notes, listening to lecture recordings, doing abit of tutorial, praying n watching CSI MIAMI. haha!
i'm addicted to CSI MIAMI now. lol.
the show is really nice can.
THAT IS how i spend my free time.
i dont spend my free time by smoking, clubbing, drinking or wasting time on people who don't deserve my company at all.


have i mentioned about the mickry omouse jigsaw puzzle stan made for me all by himself?? haha. i salute him can. at the same time, i am touched. bcuz, seriously dont ever expect me to sit down, n put the puzzle into place one by one.
see! that is another reason, y i m still holding on to this relationship.
it's really not that easy to let go.
plus, he hasn't done anything unfaithful to me. except that he doesn't keep his words thats all. maybe that is good enuf a reason!? well, maybe when i couldnt tolerate it any longer, then that day will come. till now, i still want to be in this. =)

n life is really very fragile. u really wun know when u'll die or contract some deadly disease. i really hope her medical report is wrong. please let it be wrong. i want to see her healthy, grow old, see her children get married, see her grandchildren and enjoy her old days.


for this one time, again, please treasure our life. :)

the wisest thing to do is, never to tell anyone this sentence.
"i know how u feel, i really know."
this is nonsense k?
please don't ever say such things because, you are not the person and you'll never know how he/she feels. so, please, yeahs, wake up, get your thoughts right, THINK before u say anything.

i just remembered somebody asked me this question..
"if u don't drink!, don't smoke!, don't club!, don't flirt!, don't poker!,..."
then what did you do in your free time.


HAHA.
now that i think of it, are these what the people have been up to over here?
i mean, there is definitely so many other things to do.
bitch around with your darlinks! sleep! shop! watch shows! (which i usually do!) study! badminton(at times)! eat! stone!
a lot a lot ok!
so please, don't even think of "luring" me into drinking, smoking, clubbing, flirting, gambling, bla blabla...
yah yah! u may say that, i should try these since i am young.
BUT seriously! hell no!
haha! yeah! maybe i would, when i am not in my right mind.
and, you should probably try to be patient and see if that day comes.


lol~
good night world!

i get really pissed off when i thought of certain things.
it really just pisses me off a hell lot.
when i GOT REMINDED about all the empty talks.
I really. get very pissed off.
and i do a lot of other things which will distract me away.
arghs!
and it really amazes me how some people can turn the table around.
when they are at fault, yet they can make it seems as if U are the one who is at fault.
I really salute these people, at the same time, i pity them.
they really should stop living in their own world. =(


this is bad.
i am falling sick! =(
kept sneezing away and my body is starting to get warm.
boo! i don't want to fall sick.
just allow me to have good night sleep and everything.
its been very very long since i get to enjoy my sleep, my day and all.


money in the bank is decreasing at such a fast pace.
its scary.
when i haven't even started shopping on anything!
lets see what i paid for.
renewal of the stupid student pass.
rental!
ezlink!
the seriously DRIVING which really pisses me off BIG TIME! (i better pass the test at a time time taking! don't waste MY money. NOTE: MYYYY MONEY!)
herbal life for my health!
pressies!
that is all actually!
but u know what..
except for herbal life, nothing else is spending on me. its all on. whatever u call them.
all these.. depletes my money in the bank for almost 700+++ ald. within one month. GOSH~~
i think nx month i can practice to become "神仙'' ald, else, really, money not enough and thing is i m freaking NOT WORKING.


boo!
i miss home.
i miss my mom!
i miss my dad!
n
i miss my brother!
i miss H O M E!!!!! =((


time to try to sleep.
nights world.
sleep with me tonight.


and please, try not to irritate me. =(

u know what, thank you so much for not replying my sms-es and all my msn conversations with you.

you just woke me up and made me decide on just breaking the string that tied us together.

thank you so much.

after the 1st time, i can think u r busy.

2nd time, i can think u r tired.

3rd time, when i really needed your help while i was having my monthly stomach cramp.

all you can do is not to reply me.

thank you so much.

if u don't reply me then, then don't reply me ever again.

i will make my own way to school. tap the bloody card for attendance and i will travel back home on my own.

just like usual time when i am single and have to fend for myself and bloody take care of myself.

thank you so much for the hell lot of time we spent wasting time on each other.

had a very long talk with Irene girl yesterday!

she gave me a very big surprise!

my girl... the mommy & daddy's girl... is actually offered by her dad to go Germany to take her Master. how nice is that!

when she asked me! i immediately say... YES YOU SHOULD GO!

i mean! ITS GERMANY!!!

its a whole new envoronment!

new things! new people! new everything! she will love it there! i will love it there too! (i think =p)

anywhere is better than here la! seriously! i think she should go.

but but! haha! i discourage her in the end! bcuz, she has never left her parents or stay away from home for the past 23 years of her life! so now.. ask her go Germany?! 3 years! alone! how is she going to survive?!?!?!

well well, anw her going to Germany is still not yet confirmed! she is thinking to go or not to go!

because if she go, she will have to risk calling off her marriage with her husband to be.

because, her bf ald proposed to her and marriage is supposed to be mid next year or end of the year, if not early 2011.

now if she is going to Germany, what do you think???

HMMM.....

IF its me, i will definitely say yes to my dad! and just! fly off!

nothing else to think about.

really.

hahas. bf! if he loves me, he will wait for me. or rather if he wants to be with me, he will wait for me.

there is no such thing as, he will me very much, i shouldnt leave him aloone.... blablabla..

no such ting..

hahaha!

ok le. im off to facial! and medical check ups!!! =D

its a almost perfect day yesterday! =))


i had my 1st LORRY ride. =p
yes its really my very FIRST LORRY ride. sitting in d front seat.
I've taken once a few years ago, but i was sitting at the back.
This time round i sit in front.
not very nice leh! maybe because the lorry was too lokkk kokkk! and dirty!!
tt's y i din enjoy the ride.
who says all diesels vehicles are nice to ride on?!
nonsense.
only my dad's diesel family car is nice to ride on k???
=DD
Boo! i miss home alot lot lot!!!
i wonder how things are going on over there.. =(((
I hope everything is alright though. =))


Yesterday! nice!
i get to spend some time with Mad girl, though we didn't talk much about anything but! its just nice seeing her again after so long. =)
then went for Gerald's party. quite a successful party.
Congrats! thanks for inviting! & Happy Birthday! =))
met lots of friends!!! happiness! =)))
finally met a lot of people i havent seen for very very long time!!!
its nice! nice meet ups!!! i'm all smiless!!! =D
then after the party! went TOUTY room for a sleep over!!! nice nice!!! went with ahmir!!!
its so nice can! we had, pop corns! ice cream! and movie! and then i medicured my fingers! haha! after so so long!.. =p
and and and!!!
the condo is so spacious! her room, i realise, longer than mine by 1 whole ceramic width!
haha! bigger than mine~~! nice nice! but the rental is so ex!


I am actually looking forward to staying in my own house.
I know its quite impossible in the next few months, but yesss... in the next few years after i work and all... ta-da! i will get to decorate my own house! buy my own furniture!!! I always tell Stan, i will want a room! decorated with MICKEY MOUSE! and painted the whole room PINK! and fill the room with loads and loads of soft toyss! hahaha! I can re-live my childhoods days when i have the money to buy my own house ald!!! hahahaha! I just get excited thinking about it. =D
Oh wells, for nowwwww.....
NOW, im waiting foR cousin to faster buy a house, then hopefully! i can move in with her.
HAHAHA~! duno she will let me move in nots lah.. but i think she might... =D


i want to travel travel travel.
i know my turn will come!
ade girl is travelling in Guangzhou now!
i hope she is enjoying herself!! =)))

!I MISS HOME!
I MISS MY MOM & DAD & MY EDI KOR!
SHIT!
THIS IS NO GOOD!
HOME-SICK-NESS AGAIN! ='(((


whatever i do now, i just want to make myself happy and make my life meaningful at the same time.
is that very difficult to achieve?


and now! what makes things worst is...
NO MORE BKK!!!! =((((((


i thought i could do some CNY shopping! but now! hais! =((( GONE! GONE!
sobs!
oh wells, i guess, my chance will come next time! =(

i have been thinking about this actually and yes.
one part of me wants that and another part of me wants another.
so which is which.
we have concluded that yes. he is negative. =x
but we also cant let his negative over throw his positive sides.
oww mann! how?!


what i think now is.
I just want to let things flow. just let it be. i really regretted asking. i really do. but in actual fact! i didn't ask, i was more worried about my studies than anything else.
other than studies and family, the rest of them, i can put them all aside. i will lie back and see what happens.
but if u r ald warned and you dont heed advice. what do u think will happen?
i dont know the answer. only He knows.
oh wells. i dont know lah.
whats more important is the present. isnt that what we always say? so y bother about the future when u dont even know if u can survive the next second of ur life? -_-''
sometimes, i really think that all this is really. BULLSHIET.
there is always somehow, something to counter-fight what we believed in. -_-''
life..


i really want to put this aside.
let nature takes its course. when problem arises then we'll c how oks?
=(
i really hated this.
i really hated all these things.
let me have my peaceful life back.
not knowing anything..
who told you that when u ald know about the future it will make your life easier?
i tell u. its all bullshit. it gives u more troubles, that is.


i really hope the stupid student pass comes soon.
its pretty retarded that i am in school. attending lessons, yet i cant mark for attendance! -_-''
and then i go home, i have to appeal for them to count my attendance bcuz its not my fault that i cant attend school. -_-''
they are so so inefficient!
they r so fast in receiving money. yet so slow in processing all the necessary stuffs. ARGHS!


i am looking forward to my BKK trip with cousin! =DD

badminton on friday with coussies was great. =) finally exercised! =)
and sleep over at coussies house was great too! =D
I'm looking forward to the trip me n my cousin will have! =D


n then the sms from Ms Chu, really made my day. really. Thanks Ms Chu.


and then, the mood swings i have is kind of horrible. =(
haha. i can smile this moment and dont feel like talking at all, the next moment. =(


and i know i will do just fine on my own too.
it's no problem.

Last week Wednesday, something.. hmm.. something happened. I wouldn't call it weird.
There have been many times when, Christians ( I apologize if referring them as Christians would be quite rude. but i dont know what other word i should use, so please pardon me.)
so Yeah, there is this 2 girls from the SIM Christian society or something who came to approach me while i was waiting for Stan to come pick me up.
They asked me several questions actually..
Asked me if i have read the Bible before.. and YES i have... and personally I kind of like reading them, because to me they are inspirational and reading them really warms my heart. =)
And then they asked me again if I know about how Jesus passed away, how He sacrificed HIS life for HIS children ( us ).. then i didn't say YES... neither did I say NO.. i just said.. "heard before, seen the "play" during one of the Easter night."
Then she asked me, If she could share a verse from the Bible with me, I said.."Okay! Y not.. =)"
So she shared a verse with me from the Bible. I can't remember which "chapter" it was from.. probably "John or Mark" I can't remember but.. I know.. I have read it before.. the content was about.. "God will not forsake any of His child ...." I shan't continue further, as I'm scared I will be typing the wrong one up.
So she asked me, if i have read it before and if i understand the meaning. I said yeah.. and told her what i think the verse meant.. I just said.. "as long as we believe in Him, He will show us the way out and we shouldn't worry, as He is there."
and the girl smiled to me. maybe it was some kind of approval? I don't know. but she continued to ask me, if i would be interested to join them to read the Bible together. I didn't reject her, because I know it would be rude.. So, I just smiled to her.
Then probably she got what i meant and she said.."y not.. ?"
I said, "... hmmm... because, I am not a Christian, I am a Buddhist..."
maybe the situation would be better if she didn't ask me why.. =x
and then she continued to ask me, if i am a Buddhist by choice or am i just following my parents religion. and i said. I am a Buddhist by choice. =)
then she politely say.. Okay.. thank you for your time and we'll see you around. I said, thanks to her back and said, see you around in school too. =)


the content of the verse is still there in my mind and up till now, i am still wondering why.. she came to approach me instead of many others who were there... and.. the verse she shared with me is just like telling me.. "THERE! stop worrying, everything will urn out fine, He is there just believe in Him, He will show you the way out."


You know! I am really glad she came to approach me, and it really lightened my mood then. and yes, people must be wondering why am I a Buddhist reading the Bible. I can't explain that too. But.. i just pick it up to read when i want to read it. and my brother is a Christian, so He has a Bible. I see it there every single day.. but I don't pick it up to read every single day. so u get what i mean? I only pick it up to read when my heart tells me to. =)
and yes, i am definitely a Buddhist by choice. As a matter of fact, I enjoyed going to the temple to join in the prayers and read the Scriptures, they call it 经书. Yeah.. and as always, I respect every single religion, I believe every single religion taught us to be GOOD. So every religion is really, all the same. It's just that the method they use to teach us is different. =)
I am glad the girls who approached me wasn't like what other whom I have encountered before. I am glad, they aren't. I really thank them for approaching me. really.
There was once someone told me that I make a better Christian then she is. I forgot who she is, but yes, she told me that. I have too many Christian friends, I don't know who told me that.
My boyfriend is a Christian, my best friend is a Christian, my brother is a Christian and there is a lot lot more.. and, there is nothing wrong with me being a Buddhist and still being around with my loves. =)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


and now.. you know what. I am having a HOLIDAY yet again. well.. maybe not holiday. BUT i am not supposed to go school for a few days or maybe a few weeks until i get a student pass. that institute of money is screwed. oh wells..
so i cant attend lessons. so meaning. i cant go to school. so meaning. i am quite free. but not exactly free, cuz i know i need to study and do my revision too.


the past few days in school has been really. exhausting. not that the lesson is. not that the work load is. but having to face the same text and everything for the third time is exhausting. i am quite ashamed of myself really, and i haven't got into terms that i have failed for the third time now. and this is my last chance, i know i am not that stupid.. with more and more and "never-say-enough" practices. i am sure i will do well this time round. If not. really, i should probably consider quiting school for the rest of my life. because to me, still education is rubbish. memorising all those nonsense.. is kind of rubbish. really. its the application and experience that is more valuable. oh wells, no matter what, this time round i just have to do it, for my parents, for myself. GET THAT DEGREE! =D


I've been back in Singapore for 2 weeks + 1 day now. and i haven't seen any all of my darlings!
Bestie! LH! Ade! Mad! Yiks! Heups! and some some more.. lazy type.. =x meet up soon okss!
but i got to know something through FB! haha! even though my heart feels weird when i got to know it, especially when we were once so close.. but ohwellls... anyways.... i wish u happiness! =))


and i left my another darling Irene girl in Jakarta! and she is troubled! whether to accept her boyfriend's marriage proposal or not. oh wells, even though, i want to see her settle down soon with someone she loves, and stop changing bfs ald.. but yes yes.. i hope she will make the right and heavy decision. i wish her.. all the best!


and i miss home! ='(
and i still now.. over here.. i have something else i have to do. =(
I am waiting for the right time to do the right thing.


God Bless everyone.