I was feeling very lousy yesterday and i did a lot of silly things.
and they are not worth mentioning so neverminds.
shall let what's over be over.
now i feel very weird, when my own feeling can be felt by someone else. :)
i don't want him to worry about me and i try to be happy all the time.
i hope i can do it la.
there are times when we get really tired and don't feel like appearing strong and fine in front of others.
you know the feeling of wanting to cry, yet nothing comes out?
i tried a lot of times to cry. but somehow, i just can't.
the feeling hurts a lot.
yahs. that small little part there hurts a lot.
but whatever it is, life goes on.
whatever it is, the time won't stop just because i feel sad or whatever.
i still have a lot of things on my mind.
i don't know when will they all get out from there altogether. =x


job hunting is still in progress.
i am getting irritated by the whole thing ald.
now my biggest wish is, i hope i passed all my exam papers.
i hope i will be offered PR status soon.
because the fact that i am not a SG-an and not a PR makes the whole job hunting shit difficult. :(


you know, i feel like going out to find people.
I know i need to find Bestie girl.
yet, i don't know la.
the time is not right yet.
i will find the correct time.
I don't know when.
wells, hopefully she is doing very very fine out there.


i want to find a job.
i need money.


wish me all the best kays?
thanks.


p/s: to those who read my blog post yesterday.
just treat it as if you read nothing okies?
i am not emo-ing. (i hate that emo word),
anyways, i am not emo-ing i am just typing out what i felt. yeahs.


ok people, enjoy the holis, working life, whatever.
or rather enjoy this shitty life. =x


I went to meet up Mad girl on Weds, she now look so tai-tai. =x
anw, nice meeting her. hopefully she had at least a little bit of fun meeting me.
whatever it is, still i must apologise for what happened that very day. sorry girl.
i guess there will never be a next time anymore.

I am not as fortunate as some people are.
I am not as fortunate as she is.
she has a very rich aunt who is able to finance her life in Singapore.
I don't.
she has parents who are able to finance her education here.
I don't.
what do i have?
parents and brothers and aunts and uncles who continuously give me pressure.
what else do i have?
problems after problems.
and it's all related to money.
And what, i need to finance my own life here.
pay for my own food.
pay for my own expenses.
pay for my own living.
craps.
who told me that money is not everything?
when i am trying my very best to scrimp and save, there are people out there who are just squandering their money away like nobody's business.
you think i don't want to be like other people who can shop and shop and shop and get the latest fashion. put on the nicest accessories. put on the nicest clothes.
I WANT but I CANT.


i am tired of letting people know that i am fine.
i am tired of letting people think that everything is fine.
i am tired of putting on the fake smile.
i am tired of reassuring my parents, telling them that i am ok on my own.
i am tired of thinking that everything will go well one day.
i am tired of listening to all the stupid and illogical nonsense.
i am tired of everything.


who can help me?
no one.
no one can.
no one is able to help.


you think i am shaking my leg at home.
doing nothing?
i am doing things.
i am looking for a job.
but most of the jobs only want singaporeans and PRS.
i am neither.
so what job can i get?
i don't know.
i am sick and tired of finding the jobs.
i am very very tired.
i am really very tired.
i am about to break down anytime soon.
you know that kind of feeling of wanting to cry out so much yet you can't shed even a single tear?
it hurts, a lot.


is there anyone out there who hates me to the core..?
now i am giving you the opportunity to kill me.
you have my permission.
kill me.
i want to die so much.
i feel like killing myself.
but i can't.
i want to die.
i hope i will get bang down by the car or someone would accidentally pushed me down the building or i will just die from some food poisoning or whatever.
i just want to die.


because all i give to people is troubles.
so stay away from me.
don't come anywhere near me, because all i can give is nothing but troubles.
i am tired, he is tired, everyone is tired of my so-called problems.
when it means nothing to you, it means a lot to me.
no one will understand. no one will be able to feel what i feel. because you are not me.
so.
just stay away from me and leave me alone. i am giving everyone a break.

i'm so bored but i am happy. :)
no need to study.
the feeling is so nice. :D
everyday is just..
playing.
watch shows.
eat.
sleep.
go out.
shop.
hahas!
such nice life! :)
i love this kind of life.
but a bit sian also.
now i am finding a job.
need to get a work soon.
i really need to work.
i want money.
i need money.
everyday sit at home and slack also not good.
anyone wants to intro any job to me..??
give me a call or tag me okies...?
thank yous! :D

mornings! :)
I still feel like sleeping, but..
cannot everyday sleep until so late. =x
not good not good.
if this is my own house. i'll sleep until i am happy. =p
but now,
i need to wake up and find things to do ald.
but actually also nothing much to do. =x
except that my cupboard is very very messy,
i didn't bother to rearrange all the notes and books after i finish each exam paper. =x


there is a lot of things on my mind now.
but i don't want to think about anything yet.
because i am very tired.
i am really very very tired. =(
i need to rest.
i need to take a break from everything.
and i need to sort my thoughts up.
i need to sort myself up also.
i don't know what am i doing recently.
i don't know if i am doing right things or wrong things.
hopefully what i have been doing are rights and not wrongs. =)


a lot of why-s a lot of what-ifs.


i don't know how can you be so sure of everything you said.
when i am not sure about whatever is happening in this life.
i don't know if i can trust and believe every word you said.
because i don't want to get hurt.
i don't know what i am supposed to do now.
because i can feel something yesterday.
i don't know la.


it's very very sian if i have to think about all these now.
studies.
work.
money.
life.
family.
us.
friends.
=(
super sian.


i am so going to meet up with girlfriends next week.
i must meet Mad & Bestie.
I want to talk to Mad girl. very long din talk ald.
that day, i feel so bad. have to hang up the phone. =/
I want to meet Bestie girl, i miss the feeling of slacking together with her. =p
then, i will meet the other close ones very very soon too. =D
I don't want anything to change, i hope nothing will change. so i need all your help. =)


and now.
i need to get a job.
because i super need money!
i want money.
so i can finance myself.


am i smiling more or frowning and crying more now?

exam is finally OVER.
it's a happy & sad day altogether.
i am happy because finally exam is OVER and i can spend time with loved ones without any sense of guiltiness.
and i am happy because when i go town today i met a few friends.
TIANCHONG & JORDAN. :)
been very very long since i meet these 2 people.
am glad to see that they are fine.
TTC changed a lot though! I almost can't recognize him.
he became slimmer and more good looking lerhs. :)
Jor is as usual la. nth much. =p
of course thanks to LH for accompanying me go town and helping me buy the stuffs. Thank Yous! :)


and also of course thanks to my dearest for coming down to town after work to accompany me. =D
he's not being himself lately, i guess he is pretty tired with everything.
and his super inconsiderate gf is doing her part in irritating him. how nice.
I promise to be good and make your weekend happy k?
I am so so sorry.


Then I am unhappy because I screwed up my final year exam.
How nice.
whatever it is. what's done is done.
cannot change anymore.
let's see what will come up next.


next.
i want money.
so i need to work.
i need to work.
like seriously, i need money so i need to work.
any job lobang. PLEASE tell me!!! =D


lastly,
i want us to be happy. :)
or rather your happiness is very important to me. :)

headache. teary eyes. =(
i am very stress. :(
very very stress. :(
*sighs*
i can get much of the infos in anymore because i am very stress.
and my mind is very very blocked now.
and thanks.
there is nothing to help me destress. :(
stupid finance.


when you aren't interested in the subject at all.
that's what make studying so difficult. =((((

nonsense.
I am so stress.
Been studying since morning.
And i am still left with another 2 more stupid chapters.
who told me that chpt 4 and 5 are very easy to memorise..???
kns.
so much information.
what is there to test when they are just testing our memorizing skills..? *dots*
don't you now agree that education is n*ns*ns*..?


i am super stress.
i need to work.
i want money.
i need to go shopping.
i want to be stress-free.


when all else fails, the only thing i can do is pray and pray.

I'm back to normal already.
I have decided not to think so much and just.. yeahs.. move on..
life goes on.
time is not going to stop for some kuku person like me. =x
so i shall do what i shall do and not do what i shouldn't. =)
I know the difference between right and wrong. =D


preparing for the last paper le.
this time really last paper.
I didn't know I am in such great trouble until Friday.
I am IN super BIG trouble i created for myself.
Bless Me k?
PLease.
Hope everything will just pass through..
Hope it'll all AGAIN pass.


I don't want to be in another stupid trouble again. =(
I've had enough of it.
Thanks.
Sians.


and, I am almost fine now.
I guess I am ok lerhs.
so no worries. =)


I can't wait for holidays.

Things are i guess not very fine now.
I mean, i can sense that i am seeing things differently now.
And I am treating him differently now.
In a sense, I don't treat him like how i used to.
What has happened has happened.
I need to learn to accept what has happened.
There is really no point in thinking why why and why.
Because in the end i will still get nothing.
No answer at all. No one can answer my question.
We don't know what will happen in future or even tomorrow.
If I start being paranoid about what happen 4 to 10 years later, i think i will go crazy sooner or later.
So i will just take one thing at a time and see what happens.
I am honestly very tired of thinking, what will happen if.. what ifs.. what....???
So for once i will be brave, i will be brave and put myself in this.
I don't know what the outcome will be like...
I will just be brave and walk through this... =)


I haven't been in a very good state.
But that is not a reason to screw up my POA paper yesterday.
Anyway, I screwed it up.
I need to retake the paper next year, if i want to continue to study.
Anyway, yeahs, apart from studying and revising and practicing.
I have been busy with my own other personal problems.
It's wearing me out, and i am very tired about practically everything.
Now i feel like getting back my own previous life.
the life where i only study, sleep, work, eat and go out play with friends.
I know this kind of life, very no life, but it's better than being entangled in some important yet not so important nonsense.
It's not that I am not happy now.
Life is always filled with problems.
Problems are inevitable.
It's no one's fault.
Everyone involved played a part when ever something happen.
We cannot point fingers.
Everyone has to be responsible.


My problems are probably nothing compared to people out here who are fighting to survive.
I know sometimes i deserved a slap.
Many people out there are fighting and trying very hard to survive, yet i am here trying every ways and means to kill myself.
Just because I want to stop all these.
I don't know what's up there and what's down there.
Who actually told u that It's Heaven up there and Hell down there...?
Has the one who told u, been there before?
Who can confirm...?
Life is not as beautiful as we think it is.
Just accept it.
If you are trying hard to drill into me the concept of..
"Life is beautiful, we can make it beautiful."
It's actually nonsense to me.
Because I've seen more of the UGLY side of the world rather than the BOOtiful ones.
Whatever it is, Life goes on.
The 3 most cruel words. LIFE GOES ON.
whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. we cant do anything. we cannot go against the one who is controlling.
LIFE GOES ON.


I will try to forget and try to be happy.
Some part of me, will never be happy.
Because I know why.
I am not seeking for anyone's forgiveness.
Because when I can't forgive myself, how am i suppose to expect anyone to forgive me.
It might be a mistake right from the start.
I did try to forget.
BUT somehow, at some point of the day.
It'll come back to haunt me down again.
It hurts.
still very hurting.


please remember I am just a girl.
I can't do much.
The pressure and everything, is really wearing me out.

I am so super good at creating trouble for myself.
Someone should probably give me an award for that.


full of nonsense.
life sucks.


I still need to fake a smile and make it seem as if everything is fine and life is always so beautiful.

I still feel very very sad and feel very very bad.
and i only have my own self to blame.
no one else.
no one.


i don't know what that feeling should be described as.
i am just very disappointed in myself.


there are certain things which are not meant to be shared.


leave me alone.


what's the use of apologizing when what's done is already done.

... s t r e s ...
... v e r y s t r e s s ...
... v e r y v e r y s t r e s s ...
... v e r y v e r y v e r y s t r e s s ...

For the 1st time, i went to eat dinner and movie with his friends.
suddenly, i feel very inferior.
as in 自卑.
I also don't know why i feel so.
as in all along, i thought everything will be fine and stuffs.
but now no more.
I think, I am not being very fair to him.
and I suddenly feel that, I am not good enough for him.
I don't know.
This has been on my mind since i left him yesterday.
Thank YOU for all the support all these while.
You've been a very great companion and a good bf to me.
I will treasure these times. :)
I don't know how i will survive the 2 and a half months.
Of course.
Now, nothing else is important except for my studies. :)
I know, he know and everyone knows. :)


Hope everyone else is doing very fine also. :)


Just read Mad girl's blog entry.
hope she is fine.
I don't know how to help also.
but if u need a listening ear.
I am here k?
BUT no matter what, please school this year.
even though i still think that education and school is nonsense. :x
but still, if you can, do school this year. :)
you take care okies!
when i finish exam shall do catching up with you. :)


Bestie girl has gone missing also. :x
hope she is doing very fine no matter where she is. :)
will contact you when i finished my exams. =)
take care girl!
and enjoy the holis! :)


It's MOTHERS' day today!
HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY TO ALL MOMS! =D
Hope everyone out there who has their mom's and grandma's by their side are spending time with these great people today. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST MOMMY!!! =D
MAY YOU BE BLESSED WITH HEALTH & HAPPINESS ALWAYS! =D

You know, i am very very sad now. :(
I seriously feel like crying out loud.
I don't know why.
I have started preparing since weeks ago.
Even before April started.
YET.
I don't know to admit that i am stupid or i am just not cut out for the subject.
I felt like crying when i received the question paper.
I don't know what to say.
well yea, i should stop being such a stupid kiddo.
I am 21 years old, this is not the first exam i ever had.
this is the dunno which number of exam i have ever had in my life.
But apart from physics.
I have never been so desperate to get a PASS before.
This is the 2nd subject.
I am desperate to pass.
Please let me, just pass.
Let me pass please.
I don't want to retake the paper and start all over again. :'(


I know they have high hopes on me.
I know that.
I know i can't disappoint them
sometimes all these pressure are weighing down on me and i can't really breath.
Honestly I am sick and tired of everything.
Studies, Money.. all these nonsense. :(
I don't know how long i can hold out.
I don't know.
I hope when one day I can no longer take it.
It'll all just somehow pass or maybe something bad will happen..?
I don't know.
I miss home.


Tomorrow's Statistic.
I am ok for it.
I mean, I am prepared.
Shouldn't have any problem.


I am just so disappointed. :(


I need an urgent miracle.

I couldn't sleep very well last night.
and it's nobody's fault. It's my own fault.
I just felt very apologetic.
I felt very bad towards him.
I really feel very bad.
I mean, i really should stop being such a moron and always saying things which i think pisses him off. :(
I didn't apologise immediately yst.
the whole thing was on my mind all the way till i wake up.
and when i woke up, i wanted to take the phone and leave him a message.
I thought he would be angry.
Because we didn't end off well yesterday.
I thought he was angry.
BUT no.
he wasn't.
He left me a message, before i even do so.
I immediately apologise.
he said it's ok. he know me well enough and he wasn't irritated.
see! me and my nonsense. someone can put up with it.
i am not going to push my luck too far.
i am not going to do anymore things which will piss him off again.
i will stop the unhappiness.
i don't want to lose this person for whatever silly reason.
what ling hui told me yesterday, made me even more certain that.
this person is a nice guy. he really is. he has done quite a lot for me.
what i have done for him is i think only 1% of what he has done for me.
and that is not very good.
after exams, i will make it up to u k..? :)


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


so i will be having my 1st real exam in my university study, tomorrow.
Please Bless me.
I need loads of luck.
I need loads of blessings.
I need loads of love.
I need everything.
Hope everything will go on smoothly.
God Bless Me.
&
Good Luck To me. :)

I have been studying since morning and i am super tired now. :(
or rather i already felt very very tired since yesterday when i reached home at 1245..
as soon as i hanged up the phone.
replied Bestie msg, & offed my phone.
then sleep.
i am like yawning for duno how many times when i was on the phone. =x
i am just very tired after the whole thing. =x
I promised him, myself and my parents that i will put 100% concentration on my studies for the next 19 days.
very important 19 days.
it's either
i buck up, concentrate, study and pass with flying colours. :)
OR.
I continue to play, day dream, fail and repeat. :(


I've decided to take the 1st one! *duh!* =p
I know my limits, i know i can do it if i want to.
i just need more concentration.
yeahs! :)
so for the next 19 days,
it's purely studies!
studying and studying!
studying and studying!
nothing else.


and
i will be off-ing my phone in d day,
will only turn it on at 5pm. :)
so any messages, i'll reply them when i see them okays? :)
I am not MIA-ing or what,
i just want to concentrate on studying. =)


Thank you Gerald for the comment on FS. :)
yea! no one can leave any comment on my blog.
and no one can leave any message. =p
thank you for being understanding too! :)
am glad u did enjoy some parts of the party. :)


yesterday, i admit that i am a bit emo. :x
people who talked to me can sense it.
or rather he can sense it.
and i told him why.
somehow, i feel much better.
he told me, i didn't spend much time with him and he didn't blame me at all.
not at all.
he said the party is for me. not for him.
i should spend time with my friends instead of him, since i haven't meet up with my friends for very very long already. It's a time for me to spend time with my friends. :)
Thank you for being so understanding! :)
now that i think back,
i am actually proud of whatever i have done.
because.
yeahs, it's hard but at least i did try my best in trying to make my dear friends feel comfortable and happy.
so thank you once again to those who came. :)


Thank YOU to
Mad, Mel, Ying, Touty, Mirna, Bash, Gerald, Heup Seng, Yu Zheng, Ling Hui, Ade, Shark, Auntie, Cousin Lowie, Yao Zheng, Mir's bf, Stan and Myself. :D
Thank You for celebrating my birthday with me.
It's one of the best birthday ever. :)
Thank You! :)


I know there are people who are unable to make it on the day. =)
It's ok, I understand.
After exams, after my last paper on the 23rd May.
I am a free girl once again. =D
I will have time for everyone.
What i have said still holds,
All of you are still very very important to me.
I mean it,
I will think of ways (after exams) to balance everything up.
I don't want to lose contact with anyone just because I have him.
You guys are always as important as ever. :)


I can't wait for post-exam activity. =D
I am going to first meet Bestie up, that is also if she is still in Singapore.
Hopefully she is in Singapore. :)
I have so many things to tell her.
A lot of things.
I am going to probably go to Ubin.
I am going to meet Mad, the girls and probably people from the usual "clique".
I am going on a date with Dewi girll.
I am planning to find a job or go back home.
I just need a good holiday! =D


yesh!
so now, back to books.
party is over now.
its studying time again. =)
exams rocks! =D

I am 21 now!
Finally! :)
I am very very happy for the past 2 days.


BUT then again.
there is still a small part inside me that doesn't feel happy at all.
I am very very sorry for the screwed up party.
very sorry.
It probably was a mistake?
was it?
I don't know.
I can't find the right definition of close.
I never regret inviting you guys over and he didn't regret it too.
I am sorry if his attitude or personality pissed you guys off.
I am also very sorry, if i wasn't a good host.
lesson learnt.
I AM VERY VERY SORRY.
Anyways, hopefully you guys did enjoy yourself at some parts of the day.
even though not throughout the whole thg.
I sincerely hope you guys did enjoy yourself.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for all the wishes.
Thanks for everything.
I really hope you guys did enjoy yourself.
:)
and all of you are still as important as ever. :)


Bestie didn't turn up yesterday.
I am not upset.
I somehow understand.
Stanley told me that she wasn't feeling very well.
I kept asking him why.
I thought he bluffed me when he told me.
I was thinking, why didn't she tell me herself.
and after a few hours..
and he finally told me, "I should know, I know her better and should know the reason why."
yes.
When he told me, i was rather disappointed, because i am actually looking forward to her coming.
but after a while,
i understand.
I really do understand why she didn't turn up. and i don't blame u at all bestie girl.
after exam, i will meet u up or sth k? :)


Humans are selfish.
I don't know.
we prioritize people.
everyone do prioritize people right..?
and If Bestie girl did come yesterday, i would probably devote most of my time to her and Stan.
and then leave the two of them to talk, since they haven't meet for quite sometime.
and, this Bestie is my Bestie, she is very important to me.
Everyone knows.
Honestly, i felt very very bad yesterday.
I felt like finding a hole to hide myself in.
I know i created much unhappiness yesterday too.
It was probably a mistake to invite such different categories of people.
I guess it was a mistake.
I am such a let down.
I am such a disappointment.
I felt very bad that i couldn't wholly and fully entertain every single "close" friends of mine.
I hope you guys can understand.
and IT IS DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE STAN is there and i can ignore every single one of you.
IF any of you guys do realize, I spent most of my time with you guys and not him.
I can't totally ignore his presence
I don't want anyone to be unhappy.
I don't want him to be unhappy too.
I guess i made some people unhappy yesterday.
I am sorry.
Apart from apologizing i don't know what else i can say.
I somehow can feel it.
I somehow can.
anyways, it's over.
there are certain things that are best unexplained.
what ever it is,
hopefully you guys won't blame me.
I am just very sorry.
sorry.


he asked me a few qns this morning when you guys left.
and i didn't answer him, because i don't know what to say and period.
he knows he shouldn't probe further.
and no, he didn't bad mouth any of you at all.
I swear. He didn't badmouth any single one of you.


party is over.
it's now time to study.
I am very very tired.
19 days.
I will survive this.
this time round,
we are going to stick to our promise.
and not meet.
:)


Thank you to you! :)
Thank you to every single one of you! :)
Thank you for the wishes, loves, messages, company and everything. :)


P.S:
Thank you Mad & Ying for accompanying me sleep for the past 2 days.
Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
Thank you Cousin Lowie for coming!!! =)
I am surprised you came.
I thought you didn't want to come. =p
Thank You Ling Hui & auntie for preparing the beehoon & super nice agar agar!!!!
Thank You loads!

it's been very very long since i got gastric.
after getting gastric so many times.
i don't really know where is the exact place that indicates i had gastric.
so i went to check it out.
the exact position and stuffs.
*sighs*
it really is gastric. :(
pain.
i vomited all my food yesterday.
i don't like vomiting. :(
and today whole day.
i don't feel v well too. :(
Cause the pain is still there. :(
should have heeded Stan's advice and see doc to get medicine yesterday.
*sians*


but still..
no matter what..
i still must study.
*sighs*
exam stress!
super stressed! :(


but there is something to be happy about today. :)
I finally talked to Mad girl after 1 week.
I thought it's been very very long.
BUT she told me,
we just talked last week la. =p
but i missed talking to her la! :)


and of course there is something else to be happy about also. :)