Hurdles

Pr got rejected.
Got asked to leave the coy.
Work search began. Employers only wants sporeans/prs/msians.
Job search went for weeks.
Finally a kind employer wana hire me.
SUPER HAPPY AND GLAD!
Then..
Apply for EP.
Waiting for EP outcome...
EP got rejected!
AWESOME MUCH?

It sucks it really sucks!
Just when i thought everything is finally turning for the better for me.
EP outcome is that my employment pass application has been rejected! Which means! I cant start work so soon. Or rather i cant even start work at a new job cuz the freaking work permit just isnt approved!

What else..? What else is going to be thrown at me? What else..?!

Drama series

So watching drama series has always been and is still is my escapade. Dont know if escapade is the right word.

I have been back in singapore for a few days now. And i havent been exactly happy.

Today took half day leave for an interview. Who knows the interview cock up. Make me even more down.

I have been suicidal. Ok suicidal can be rather too extreme. I Have been very negative. I still am. Actually i do know what i want. But i cant do it. I can be suave about thgs. No job here? Sg dont want me? Neither do i! Pack up and leave this place. But. I have been asking myself, whats next? All my frens are here. Even my bf whom i have been with for almost 5 years. Want me to let go of everythg and start a new somewhere else? Its really very very difficult. I dont know how to go about doing it :s

I am such a loser! Whatever. Lets see what happens next..

Hate finding jobs!

Got sick of finding jobs.

Went for one just a while ago. I took leave and travelled 1hr30 mins to the interview place waited for 45 mins for the interview time at 3. (i reached at 215) and at 3 the person tell me the person supposed to interview me is in a meeting and she wants me to go home and come again another day. seriously. Wth!

U made an appointment to meet me for an interview at 3! And at 3 u asked me to home and come back again another day!?

Best. Dont expect me to turn up when u asked me to. Its just very frustrating.

Wasted my money and time!

Nationality gone wrong.

I have reached a point where really i am quite desperate and about to give up anytime soon.

So far.. Every since i tender my resignation and looking for jobs, sending countless of resumes for jobs.
About 6 people have called to show their interest.

But when it comes to them asking about nationality. They are sorry that its only jobs for citizens. Its really sian to the max.

Its like a tiny glim of hope when they call me. Then i end up being disappointed.

Kind of funny also. When i go back indonesia to attend job interviews. The indonesians there actually thought that i am not an indonesian. They think im from another country. Because i guess i speak like i am singaporean! Simply cuz i have been here almost my whole life. And i grew up here, in singapore. Away from parents away from family. N what do i get in the end?

Confusions by people from my own country Mistaking that i am not from there.
Rejections from another country and making me unable to get a job so i can settle here, because i am not a citizen here.

Weird isnt it? nationality gone wrong.

Missing home

I miss home. This is bad, real bad. :(
I miss my mom my dad n my bro. I miss home period.

I am in a sort of dilemma now. Should i just hop on any job that comes my way? And get stuck and be repeated in the whole whining and complaining cycle?!

Or should i follow what my heart desires? Wait for the right job, preferably the one i have always wanted to get into?

Shucks. I miss home.

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more for myself,less for others

i was chit chatting with mom a while ago. it suddenly struck me that.. i thinj too much for others too less for my self.

or rather i dont know how to solve my own problems but can give advices to others, advices which i can never give myself.

just like my bros, my parents and everyone else, i am getting old and older as the day passes by and as the clock is ticking and every seconds pass away. but honestly, i dont know and doesnt have the slighest idea on what to do to my life.

i am lost. the kind of life i want is simple. i just need my future husband to love me more than he loves his friends and career.
its ok he can love his parents more. hehe. but he has to love me more than he loves his friends and job, at the very very least.

and then he has to be able to provide me a shelter, in short a house, a nest of our own, a house a home i can call it mine.

i dont need to be very rich i just need to be able to live without hving to worry about money. i also dont have to keep going for holidays cuz if my home is good enuf why wud i wana travel elsewhere.

is that simple enuf? thats for my personal life.

externally, really i am not really a (nv qiang ren)

so as long as my monthly salary is enuf for me to spend and save and give my parents its enough.

are these simple enuf a life i want? or is my simple too complicated and too expensive a life to other people?

this is what i want in life. i just wana be happy & can stop worrying about money money and money. it kind of suck the happiness out of me.

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homed

im back at home. :)) feelss damn good!

things happening in singapore.. i went for two job interviews. one has rejected me another one pending but the one pending i dont know but i didnt really like it. but the working hours is unique. talk more about that when they wana hire me and i wana accept them if i am haooy with the pay.

last weekend i went kukup-malaysia with stanley and his grp of colleagues + gfs. it was a rather good trip. i would say, anywhere is good as long as being able to get away from singapore. the slow paced life where it feels like u have more than 24 hours to ur day!

i am rather stressed up actually. finding jobs, thinking abt next mth, whther or not i will be landing myself a job. but then i kept telling myself no pt thinking.. what i can do is to just continue applyimg for a job. the rest i have got to leave it to outside forces. nothing else i can do. :)

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Happier

I have been a happier girl ever since i drop the resignation letter and all the more happier when i know that i am not really sacked, reason being i have been an awful worker here in this company.

Cuz in one of those meetings, auntie actually did bring up to keep me and let the other one go. But i guess thinking long term and thinking for me too. Since i have totally no room to grow in this company. She raised it up in a nice not so nice way of asking me to leave.

But even before i know my pr got rejected. I already had the intention very very long ago that i want to leave this company anyway. So its not counted that this is all not planned. Its just that when it hit me in the face that this is reality now, i just find it difficult to accept. Cuz today i got rejected, next day auntie tell me the plans and i have to decide within a 3 day span how long more i wana stay in this coy. So yeahs.

This is my last month here in this company. Its not all bad, but its not all good either. Shit happens. Happy days happens. Good and bad. Up and down. Even though there is more bad than good. But i've learned. More or less. The not so human side of humans. The selfish part of humans. Its all for survival. Cant blame them really.

I dont know whether i'll be able to get a job soon or not. I hope i will get one soon! Like real soon! Cuz i needed the income! And i will be a happy girl this last month here. I'll try hard! I will be!

And big auntie hasnt been nice to me. Delay by More than one week! Caused alot of ups and downs in emotions! + Pimply face. Emotions gone wrong! No good! I wish someone can tell me how to handle this big auntie better.

Things hasnt been going great for me after graduating from SIM-UOL.

Firstly i couldnt get a job, a proper job. So once im offered a job, and also with the bait that the coy will help me apply for PR, i straight away jump for it.

Started work, and i realised the colleagues sucks. Big time. But of course some were nice. But how real are they, only they themselves know.

Whats even more disappointing is, the fact that, i thought! I really thought and always thought that she was helping. But as the time passes by.. I realised actually right from the very start, she wasnt helping me AT ALL. She never had the intention to help me.

But then again who am i? Why should they help me. Mom recently told me to depend on myself, people are not obliged to help me. Which is very true.

So in a really straight forward kind of way, i have been sacked. Yups. Sacked. Cousin advised me, friends advised me. My cousin is right in a certain way. I wish i can be a little bit like her. When i have to be cold blooded i shld be cold blooded. When i need to be warm, i shall be warm.

But is i were to be like her, then the me is not really the real me anymore. And i dont want that. I love the me now. Except i think too much for others, how they'll feel in the end, i am just hurting myself. Which is silly!

Alright to make long story short. I am given a certain amount of time to get a job asap. I dont know when i can get one decent job.
Wish me luck. Hope i'll be able to meet the right one!

Sometimes I get really tired of listening to people's thoughts, opinions of me, on what they think about me and how they THINK I SHOULD behave.

When I am in good mood and being stupid I will just smile and let it go.
But me being me..
I will think back about what THEY say. And I will reflect.

Sometimes I feel like telling them, u don't know anything, Shut up.
U r not me, shut up.
I really feel like telling them, just shut up.

I just wanna be happy.
Is it Really so difficult?

I dont really understand what is he thinking. Why is he like this.
I did compare. I know i shouldnt.
But really. He'd rather walk ard, talk to other people than come n talk to me.
Is he really taking me for granted?
Why? Do i deserve this kind of treatment?

They said that i should be thankful, cuz i had a job. I have an income every month. I dont have to do much but get paid.

I know i hv been complaining since the day i start this f-up job.

Things hasnt got better. They never improve.
Maybe working with brainless people has made the day worst n even more worst.
I feel like im wasting my time here.
U call these job experience?!

I have wasted 15 yrs of my life here in this shit hole.
I m soooo HAPPY im still wasting my life here.
As if youth is infinite for me.

Random.

Not really random. But I think. I got his mentality, when I got pissed and got sad and got really down. And showing the I-want-to-break-up behaviors. He start showering me loves. He start to want to make me cherish his presence. He will make my want to break up with him feelings be put on hold.

And then when, everything went back fine. His 1001 pattern is out again. N again he makes me wanna let myself off this stupid silly little nonsense.

Deep down inside, I really wish & hope this whole thg will work out.
I guess I never learn.
I guess I m too soft hearted. I don't know how to describe myself. But I guess I m just plain stupid.

Probably should wait till his exam is over. I shouldn't be such a jerk. To cause a mess in such a time when his grandma is in hospital n his exam is just around the corner.
I should probably be nice.

Sometimes i did think back.
When I'm nice to ppl wat do I get?

Life is. Really. BO-tiful.

Sometime it's just really difficult to want to be happy.

Today's valentines day.
I very much want to be happy.

But things at home is not looking good.
Dad n mom n bro are not on good terms. There is always things for them to quarrel about.

I have no idea what daddy's thinking.
I dont know why my brother can't be grateful for Dad's presence at home.
I don't know why Mom can't tolerate Dad either.

Well, yes. Daddy's behavior has gotten from bad to worst. But thing is, he is our Dad. He's the head of the family. It's true that he can't do like he please. It's true that he always get on our nerves.
But I believe he has our interest at heart.
I believe he loves us.


Sometimes I just Want things to be simple. I want us to be happy.

I want a happy family.
I just want such simple things.
Why must things be so difficult?!

I realise, i do get scared.
I realise i know why i dont dare to let him go.
Im scared. I am really scared, what will the days be without him.
But i know even holding on to him will not get us anywhere.
But i really dont dare to let go.
I dont know how to let go.
I hate it when i am like this.
I know i still do love him.
I know.
There is no third party.
Its just that there is no more communication between us.
Something is missing between us.
I dont know what it is, neither can i find it.
I really dont know what it is.
Now we r like. Together for the sake of being together.
And i dont like it. :'(

Sometimes i hate myself for thinking too much, for listening too much, for caring too much to what friends are saying.

Im such a total idiot really!

Why care so much about their opinion? Cuz i've become friends with them and i love them as a friend and their thoughts matter to me.

I have always believed, if you dont mean what u say then dont say it. There r certain thgs we dont joke about. Certain things when its funny, its funny. When its not, its not.

Next thg i need to learn, is to shut my mouth & ears when im not supposed to say anythg and hear anything.

I just dont want to care about what they think anymore.

Joking or not, it no longer matters to me.

Marriage!

My very close friends are getting married, ONE by ONE.

Really close friends!

Bestie is married.

Touts getting married on 21 Jan 2012.

Mir is getting married in April 2012.

I am happy!

at the same time. 

I am getting worried about myself.

I mean. YES, my very very close friends are getting married one by one. 

I am really happy for them to have found their Soul mate. 

But I am getting worried, so when's my turn..? 

And also friends i know are also getting married one by one.

Cindy is married and already has a baby.

Kengie is getting married in April 2012.

Cheryl bf just Proposed to her on 1st Jan 2012.

Angel is getting married in Sept 2012.

Sherry is getting married/engaged in August 2012.

alright, i shall stop thinking.

I probably should close this book first, so another book can be read. 

Blessed Year ahead! 2012!

First post of the year! :)

have been working for almost 3 months now. 3rd January will make it the THIRD month.
Working life has been awesomely an eye opener to the disgusting side of human.
its a struggle to just be myself and never change.

they say, 
"if you don't like the situation and you cant change it, then you have to change yourself."

how true?
change yourself to be more like them so that you can handle the situation?
changing my mindset would be true.

getting used to working life already. and setting bigger goals to a happier life ahead.

new year resolutions in the making.
this year, I shall reveal one.

No matter what happens, JUST SMILE! 
It makes every bad situations better, forget about the pain and everything else.

.....

lets divert a little.
its been so so long since i blogged.
i actually dont know what to say anymore. =/

so i shall end it off.

Let's have a Blessed new year ahead.
Forget all the pains of 2011!
and be grateful for all the happier things that happened in 2011!

Let's Laugh, Love, Sweat, Share & Be Happy! 

Much love
Lily :)

life sucks

i have asked myself again and again for many times now.
during the 13 years that i have been in here, away from home.. have i been really really happy before?
i know this will be a very selfish answer.
but yes, the answer is no.
cuz i have not really done what i want to do.
I haven't made my dreams happen.
now that i am so close to the next interview of the dream job i really wanted.
i have to think of the consequences.
the consequences of losing both and having to rot at home.

but i dont want to just rot at home. i need to work.
i need to earn money so that i can freaking pay off debts and save up and start a business of my own.

then again, who knows what will happen next?
Maybe i will get through the interview, and then MOM will approve my Work pass and then i will be able to get on with life and do the job i want.
Maybe. it's always not definite and i freaking hate it.
I honestly so sick of this life.
But i have learned not to curse myself and getting my own life shorten. Cuz it's really true, be careful what we wish for. Sometimes, they come true when you least expect it.

But for now. all i want is to see some light... to tell me that life will get better, at least for me.
I am already 24 going on 25 soon. I am sick of leading this uncertainty every single day.
From school days, to university to the current, working life.

tell me how long i need to hang on, sometimes i wish i can predict the future.
I wish i have the ability to see whats in the future for me.

Now I am stuck in a job I really dislike and I can't leave, till I get PR, when life, supposedly will become better?
HOPEFULLY.