New year.

Its supposed to be a new year, new happenings. New wishes, new hopes, new luck. I have been wishing that everything can turn for the better, believing that everything can be better.
Its that believe and faith that can keep me going.

But, its getting really very  very tiring. i m very tired of leading this kind of life.
Well, maybe in the eyes of others, my life is not that bad. I have a job. I have an income every mth.

But i m not happy. Im not happy in this position, i dont like being in this position. I dont like being here.
Then again ppl will say that, there is always no fun in working for others. But then there is always jobs that is meaningful. Doing something that u love doing. Or sth related.

Sometimes i ask why. Why m i in this position. How did i end up here. How? What exactly did i do wrong? What is it?

I dont ask for much, i just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for? I want to stop leading such a screw up life.

End it or i shall end it myself.

As i grow older, i just made more and more regretful decisions after decisions. The latest one? To shift in here. Or rather sharing the same room.

They r right. U'll never know the full person's personality until u really move in with them. I KNOW RIGHT!

I know that she is lazy, but i didnt know she is THIS lazy.
I didnt know that she is THIS selfish. And i didnt know that she is THIS inconsiderate. Gosh.

Sometimes i cant comprehend humans. They seem to treat outsiders better than they treat their own family. This is what i experienced. First hand, from my own cousin.

I REALLY dont know she is such a person. I mean well, i know that she is kind of a bit loose somewhere. trust me i even ask my aunt, her mom if she had some disorder. Getting angry and crazy and spat vulgarities at people over NOTHING.

Its 3:20 am now. I m still wide awake thanks to all her inconsiderate actions that woke me up when i was already asleep just now at 12?

But i was taught to never stoop low to her level. To return evil with kindness! I shall try my best on that. Returning evil with kindness!

Hello world. Its 00:59 and i cant sleep so i shall blog.
I went out to a house warming today.
Stanley's uncle house. Its a condo near serangoon - woodleigh if im not wrong.
His uncle house was at the top floor. The highest level - 15th.
Didnt really have a nice view. The uncle said that right upfront used to be a while stretch of graveyard which has been cleared and its now a nice green patch of land.

The unit itself is cozy its a 2+1 unit meaning one master bedroom, one small bed room and i guess the plus one is a study room. The size of the house is patheticly small. BUT it has a long stretch of balcony and i have to admit that its cozy. Well having paid around 1mil for that condo. There has to be something good about the house right? So yeah nice small cozy place. I wouldnt mind staying there. But i wouldnt pay 1 mil to buy a condo here. I'd rather build my mansion in indonesia. :p enough for 3 generations to stay in. Haha.
Ok anyways,
Like many other condominium, each of the settings is almost the same. Swimming pool garden playground.. Its a new condo so everythg is new, everythg is nice and beautiful. Hope it remains that way.

His uncle is an inspiration. He went to ite, poly then uni and now an engineer bringing home a 5 digit paycheck every mth, so THATS something. Proven that if we work hard anythg can be accomplished?
And the best is his uncle is a humble man :) I guess he is really quite wealthy? To own a hdb and 2 condos in spore. There's very little of such ppl ard - rich but humble.

And since i am very free. When i m packing my thgs to shift into cousin's i guess i will snap photos and show how i organize my stuffs to prepare for shifting and to also make it easier for unpacking. :)

Alrighty, good nights! I shall go try to catch some zzz. Its already 01:13 now.

Nighty nights! Hope it'll be a better day when everyone wakes up. :)

Actually i feel really stress. Rather maybe i am stressing myself. Cuz i want to be better than everyone else. My two cousins they r about the same age as me. In fact they always say that the 3 of us are of the same age.

Look at them and then look at me. They already bought a house in Singapore. while i am still in deficit. They already started giving their parents better life. But mine is still working hard. I came to spore way earlier than them but they r already a citizen and a pr. While i am still struggling to get a work pass to work here. Sometimes i ask myself whats wrong with me. What did i or my parents do wrong. Maybe i shouldnt even come here. Maybe things would have been better. And i get really frustrated now when my family at home asks me when am i going back. They miss me, but i miss them alot more too! And i do wana go back and stay for a while to let all these steam off.
I flared up yst when dad keep asking me when m i gg back. Cuz i am irritated with the qns. Just like when my mom ask me whats the plan now. I also brushed her off and said no plan and stop asking me that. Perhaps, ask the one who has grasp of all these. Dont ask me cuz i know nothing!!!
I am waiting aimlessly. I hate all these waiting. But no one understand. Ppl always think that i can just go to MOM ICA and blabber but who cares abt me really, i am just a foreigner, they dont give a damn about whether i have been here for 15 over yrs or just 1 yr. i am just a foreigner to them.
It doesnt matter to the govt agencies whether all the employers who offered me a position in the company all gave me the same remark as of why do i still need a work pass when i have been here for so long. To them i am a sporean. More spore than many sporean.
But does it matter to the relevant parties processing my pass or my pr? Bcuz what matters to them is the money i am getting per mth. What matters to them is how much tax i have paid. And what matters to them is whether i will be of value here. Whether i can contribute much in their so called economic bla bla bla.

I am shifting nx week. As much as i am excited about staying with cousins cuz i will feel more at home. No more waiting for toilet. No more being alone. No more hvg to tolerate outsiders nonsense.
But i feel inferior. Cuz thats their house, not my house.

Sometimes i probably just think wayyy too much. Maybe? But arent all my thoughts real?

Oh and i just got offered another job in another company. Signed the employment offer yst. Applied for pass. The most AWESOME news is, well.. The current status of my pass as of this morning is... "...expected outcome is 2 months" LOL.
Lets just wait and see. What will happen again. I guess history might just repeat itself. Lets clap. somehow those intelligent ppl/ system think that companies CAN wait 2 months to hire someone. Awesome. Brilliant and clever people..
Too much of such talent here.
Their talent and intelligence cost me to lose the job offer at a rather big MNC located at Bugis!!!!! That job i lost, comes With awesome job benefits and awesome prospect. Thank you awesome, talented and intelligent people for taking THAT away from me.

Tuesdays

I began to wonder if its really every tuesdays that i m feeling such.
I wake up, again with no sense of purpose. I have nothing in mind and nothing up my sleeves. I wana get away. I wana travel!
Or just let me just start working already.

M"**% replied my so called email. It was a useless reply. In my mind its a might-as-well dont reply email.

Why?

Being. They didnt tell me something new. They told me everythg i already know, in short its just for formalities that they reply. Just because the email sent to then was forwarded from the P+++ office.

Lol. Sorry for the blanks and all.
But yeahs i am frustrated. :(

And weird enuf this time i am also hoping that my monthly will come soon. Its wayy too delayed!! I need to have it soon. Pimples have been popping every single day!!! Shucks!! Scars here and there :(

I guess i should just stop stressing and just live.

I have been spending money like crazy.
Got to stop!!

...

I woke up this morning not knowing wat to do. I wana escape from this place, i dont know what to do. I have no plans for the day except wasting the time away. I want to do something productive. But i dont know what it is.

I hate this situation. The unknown. I have been waiting for very long. Have wasted more than enough time. I dont want to continue anymore. I m tired. Not from walking not from running. But from doing nothing. I m sick of thinking. Planning. When in the end the outcome never fails to disappoint.

I cut myself yesterday. I didnt really know how i got the cut either but for there's one instant that I wish the cut was deeper, so that it overwhelms the pain i feel elsewhere.

The biggest wrong decision i have ever taken in my life is to come here. This place. Its nothing but an empty hole. A hole that i guess i wont be able to stay in any longer.
Maybe it is predestined. Maybe i shouldn't even be here at all. Which is why there is so much obstacles.

This place is just nice on the outside. But inside its rotten.

Im currently very sensitive to the word and action, waiting. And i hate waiting. If u wana meet me and u made me wait for u. Thats it. Goodbye. I dont want to wait anymore!!!
And stop asking me why is it like this? Why i am saying this. Why i am asking. I wish someone can answer all the whys i have in my mind.

Okay. My attitude is getting worst. No excuse to blame it on the pms cuz its late again this mth and still havent come yet.

25!

This is super random. But being 25, i cant help but feel really OLD.
I have asked myself times and many times wht i have accomplished.

Erm.. Not much.

But i have always wanted to travel! Thus, i have a dream job in mind which WILL allow me to travel. But i really dont know why again and again i failed the interview.
That sucks. :(

I really hope and wish and hope that i will be able to nail and get that dream job by this year! I really wana travel!!!!!!

I hated being at the same place for too long. Doing, nothing.

I have been mei shi Zuo for 1mth+ and trust me, the feeling is really 很烦!
Its not like i have a big bungalow with a inhouse swimming pool or a big garden or a squash court or a gym room where i cn 消遣 when im bored! :( i have nothing. Except four walls and a novel!

Yea i am picking up reading! Lol! After all these years!!

Dear God, i really wish my PR will be approved soon. And sorry for being greddy but i do want to get that dream job, i hope in this life, that can be accomplished.
Thank you in advance :)

waiting. planning. shifting

So I have been waiting for my NEW Employment Pass as well as PR appeal to be approved. been waiting for weeks now. I hope results will be out soon. good or bad, whatever it is, just let it be out soon. so i can move on. i have been very positive. I HOPE THEY WILL ALL BE APPROVED. of course, humans, being greedy us. we hope something even better will happen. like, i am hoping more for my PR appeal to be approved, so i don't have to go through all the hassle of waiting for my work pass to be approved, so on and so forth..

money in the bank is slowly depleting. so i really NEED a job asap. :(

and cousin bought a house. I went to view it for the FIRST time yesterday.
and yes, initial, first time look, i didnt really like the place. cuz, its just second floor. big rubbish house is just probably 20 steps away. its pretty rather quite far from the mrt station. the house is OLD. needs a lot of fixing. if its me, i probably wont buy it. :/
BUT then again, as i have been practising positivity recently, i shall hope that, after all the renovation, like scrapping off OLD paintings, OLD cabinets, put in a fresh set of painting and fresh set of beds and cabinets. the house will look NEW!
I am looking forward to that!!! so i will definitely love the place!
happy for cousin that she finally got her dream come true! she has an asset in her hand now! congrats cousin! :D
being 26 and has a property under her name, thats just awesome! :D

so i am having my plans now. i wana do something new, at least towards the end of this year, i need to accomplish all the plans i have in mind.

1) LOSE weight!
2) DO better make up! on my face! at least know which foundation & concealer works best for my face.
cuz gone are the days where my face is perfectly polished and clean without any scars.
current face condition is just, not suitable to step out of house to meet people.
3) start saving towards my 2nd 5 digit figure!
4) Being happy that i lived! throw away all the negativity in life :)

Its a brand new week! have a great one! <3 p="p">

Hurdles

Pr got rejected.
Got asked to leave the coy.
Work search began. Employers only wants sporeans/prs/msians.
Job search went for weeks.
Finally a kind employer wana hire me.
SUPER HAPPY AND GLAD!
Then..
Apply for EP.
Waiting for EP outcome...
EP got rejected!
AWESOME MUCH?

It sucks it really sucks!
Just when i thought everything is finally turning for the better for me.
EP outcome is that my employment pass application has been rejected! Which means! I cant start work so soon. Or rather i cant even start work at a new job cuz the freaking work permit just isnt approved!

What else..? What else is going to be thrown at me? What else..?!

Drama series

So watching drama series has always been and is still is my escapade. Dont know if escapade is the right word.

I have been back in singapore for a few days now. And i havent been exactly happy.

Today took half day leave for an interview. Who knows the interview cock up. Make me even more down.

I have been suicidal. Ok suicidal can be rather too extreme. I Have been very negative. I still am. Actually i do know what i want. But i cant do it. I can be suave about thgs. No job here? Sg dont want me? Neither do i! Pack up and leave this place. But. I have been asking myself, whats next? All my frens are here. Even my bf whom i have been with for almost 5 years. Want me to let go of everythg and start a new somewhere else? Its really very very difficult. I dont know how to go about doing it :s

I am such a loser! Whatever. Lets see what happens next..

Hate finding jobs!

Got sick of finding jobs.

Went for one just a while ago. I took leave and travelled 1hr30 mins to the interview place waited for 45 mins for the interview time at 3. (i reached at 215) and at 3 the person tell me the person supposed to interview me is in a meeting and she wants me to go home and come again another day. seriously. Wth!

U made an appointment to meet me for an interview at 3! And at 3 u asked me to home and come back again another day!?

Best. Dont expect me to turn up when u asked me to. Its just very frustrating.

Wasted my money and time!

Nationality gone wrong.

I have reached a point where really i am quite desperate and about to give up anytime soon.

So far.. Every since i tender my resignation and looking for jobs, sending countless of resumes for jobs.
About 6 people have called to show their interest.

But when it comes to them asking about nationality. They are sorry that its only jobs for citizens. Its really sian to the max.

Its like a tiny glim of hope when they call me. Then i end up being disappointed.

Kind of funny also. When i go back indonesia to attend job interviews. The indonesians there actually thought that i am not an indonesian. They think im from another country. Because i guess i speak like i am singaporean! Simply cuz i have been here almost my whole life. And i grew up here, in singapore. Away from parents away from family. N what do i get in the end?

Confusions by people from my own country Mistaking that i am not from there.
Rejections from another country and making me unable to get a job so i can settle here, because i am not a citizen here.

Weird isnt it? nationality gone wrong.

Missing home

I miss home. This is bad, real bad. :(
I miss my mom my dad n my bro. I miss home period.

I am in a sort of dilemma now. Should i just hop on any job that comes my way? And get stuck and be repeated in the whole whining and complaining cycle?!

Or should i follow what my heart desires? Wait for the right job, preferably the one i have always wanted to get into?

Shucks. I miss home.

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more for myself,less for others

i was chit chatting with mom a while ago. it suddenly struck me that.. i thinj too much for others too less for my self.

or rather i dont know how to solve my own problems but can give advices to others, advices which i can never give myself.

just like my bros, my parents and everyone else, i am getting old and older as the day passes by and as the clock is ticking and every seconds pass away. but honestly, i dont know and doesnt have the slighest idea on what to do to my life.

i am lost. the kind of life i want is simple. i just need my future husband to love me more than he loves his friends and career.
its ok he can love his parents more. hehe. but he has to love me more than he loves his friends and job, at the very very least.

and then he has to be able to provide me a shelter, in short a house, a nest of our own, a house a home i can call it mine.

i dont need to be very rich i just need to be able to live without hving to worry about money. i also dont have to keep going for holidays cuz if my home is good enuf why wud i wana travel elsewhere.

is that simple enuf? thats for my personal life.

externally, really i am not really a (nv qiang ren)

so as long as my monthly salary is enuf for me to spend and save and give my parents its enough.

are these simple enuf a life i want? or is my simple too complicated and too expensive a life to other people?

this is what i want in life. i just wana be happy & can stop worrying about money money and money. it kind of suck the happiness out of me.

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homed

im back at home. :)) feelss damn good!

things happening in singapore.. i went for two job interviews. one has rejected me another one pending but the one pending i dont know but i didnt really like it. but the working hours is unique. talk more about that when they wana hire me and i wana accept them if i am haooy with the pay.

last weekend i went kukup-malaysia with stanley and his grp of colleagues + gfs. it was a rather good trip. i would say, anywhere is good as long as being able to get away from singapore. the slow paced life where it feels like u have more than 24 hours to ur day!

i am rather stressed up actually. finding jobs, thinking abt next mth, whther or not i will be landing myself a job. but then i kept telling myself no pt thinking.. what i can do is to just continue applyimg for a job. the rest i have got to leave it to outside forces. nothing else i can do. :)

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Happier

I have been a happier girl ever since i drop the resignation letter and all the more happier when i know that i am not really sacked, reason being i have been an awful worker here in this company.

Cuz in one of those meetings, auntie actually did bring up to keep me and let the other one go. But i guess thinking long term and thinking for me too. Since i have totally no room to grow in this company. She raised it up in a nice not so nice way of asking me to leave.

But even before i know my pr got rejected. I already had the intention very very long ago that i want to leave this company anyway. So its not counted that this is all not planned. Its just that when it hit me in the face that this is reality now, i just find it difficult to accept. Cuz today i got rejected, next day auntie tell me the plans and i have to decide within a 3 day span how long more i wana stay in this coy. So yeahs.

This is my last month here in this company. Its not all bad, but its not all good either. Shit happens. Happy days happens. Good and bad. Up and down. Even though there is more bad than good. But i've learned. More or less. The not so human side of humans. The selfish part of humans. Its all for survival. Cant blame them really.

I dont know whether i'll be able to get a job soon or not. I hope i will get one soon! Like real soon! Cuz i needed the income! And i will be a happy girl this last month here. I'll try hard! I will be!

And big auntie hasnt been nice to me. Delay by More than one week! Caused alot of ups and downs in emotions! + Pimply face. Emotions gone wrong! No good! I wish someone can tell me how to handle this big auntie better.

Things hasnt been going great for me after graduating from SIM-UOL.

Firstly i couldnt get a job, a proper job. So once im offered a job, and also with the bait that the coy will help me apply for PR, i straight away jump for it.

Started work, and i realised the colleagues sucks. Big time. But of course some were nice. But how real are they, only they themselves know.

Whats even more disappointing is, the fact that, i thought! I really thought and always thought that she was helping. But as the time passes by.. I realised actually right from the very start, she wasnt helping me AT ALL. She never had the intention to help me.

But then again who am i? Why should they help me. Mom recently told me to depend on myself, people are not obliged to help me. Which is very true.

So in a really straight forward kind of way, i have been sacked. Yups. Sacked. Cousin advised me, friends advised me. My cousin is right in a certain way. I wish i can be a little bit like her. When i have to be cold blooded i shld be cold blooded. When i need to be warm, i shall be warm.

But is i were to be like her, then the me is not really the real me anymore. And i dont want that. I love the me now. Except i think too much for others, how they'll feel in the end, i am just hurting myself. Which is silly!

Alright to make long story short. I am given a certain amount of time to get a job asap. I dont know when i can get one decent job.
Wish me luck. Hope i'll be able to meet the right one!

Sometimes I get really tired of listening to people's thoughts, opinions of me, on what they think about me and how they THINK I SHOULD behave.

When I am in good mood and being stupid I will just smile and let it go.
But me being me..
I will think back about what THEY say. And I will reflect.

Sometimes I feel like telling them, u don't know anything, Shut up.
U r not me, shut up.
I really feel like telling them, just shut up.

I just wanna be happy.
Is it Really so difficult?

I dont really understand what is he thinking. Why is he like this.
I did compare. I know i shouldnt.
But really. He'd rather walk ard, talk to other people than come n talk to me.
Is he really taking me for granted?
Why? Do i deserve this kind of treatment?