今天有人问我，有一个年纪比你小的上司，感觉如何？

说真的，很痛。

可是痛又如何，不开心又怎样，日子还不是一样要过。

就这样吧，就这样。就算自己再多不开心，也要让别人好过，也要一副很开心的样子，也要有一副，无所谓的样子。

这就是你给我的安排吗？真的吗？到底要我再经历多少考验，才能放过我呢？到底要折磨我到什么时候？

还要多久才能让我幸福？

告诉我吧，我到底应该怎么做才能忘掉他。为什么我还是很傻的，可以为了他，还是哭了。可以为了他，傻傻的在他家楼下等好几个小时。

为什么，您可以带给他们幸福，可是却把我忘了。到底要我等到什么时候。

算是我求你了，把我应该得到的，一一还给我好吗？ 我快撑不住了…

很累…

You

I am getting by alright. 

Work, friends and family made me able to love till now. 

I still miss you a lot. Still think of you everyday. But i know, i cannot be like this. But. I dont know what i can do. I really miss you alot.

I still dream of you and your mom occasionally too. I dont even know if its good or bad. But im guessing, should be good, since i cant meet u all in person. Quite alright to meet and interact in the dream i guess. 

Thankful for the occasional text messages your Mom sent me. 

I believe one day, i will be able to get out from this. I know God have arranged someone for me. I know He will let us meet at the right time. 

Need more strength and faith to get through this. 

现在真的很痛苦。其实过的一点都不好，这几个月到底是怎样熬过来的，真的不知道。有时候真的很想要结束这一切。真的很希望，我的生命停在那一刻。真的很希望爸爸能来接我。真的很累，很累面带笑容地面对每一个人，很累向每一个人说我没事，我很好。真的很累。

为什么要伤我这样深，我有办法走出来吗？为什么要让我遇到你？为什么要让我们开始？为什么这一切都要发生？为什么就不能让我们好好地在一起到最后。为什么要让我们分开。为什么？如果明明就不会走到最后，为什么我还要让我们在一起那么久。为什么就只差那么一点，却要让我们分开。为什么？

Bitter sweet. Closing chapter Singapore.

Going back home tomorrow after being away for 17 years. 

Its a bitter sweet feeling. 

This place is full of memories for me.

Best friends, close friends, buddies, boyfriend, friends, colleagues, good times, bad times. 

Now that i have to say goodbye, its a bitter sweet feeling.

Im happy im leaving here to finally go home to a place i can call my home. 

I have never been really really super happy over here. Simply because i dont have a home of my own and i have to "看人家脸色＂ cuz this is not my home i cannot do anything to my own liking. 

Humans are funny people. Sometimes friends are closer to me than relatives. Its somewhat true. Or maybe its just my relatives who r this type of people, ok i cannot say all my relatives are such. At least the one i know is. Whether u mean it or not, it hurts when u say i have to clear my things fast and dont leave anything behind and its better for me to go back and move out fast so that you can use the room fully for yourself. And u want to start redecorating the room as soon as i am gone. 

I mean why treat me like that? Its not as if i dont pay rental. Its not as if, i create a lot of trouble for u. Or maybe i do. Now that i am out of the way, i hope u'll live better. Whatever.

I will be single officially once the clock strikes 2215 tml. Very sad. I always hoped that Stan will be the one. Sadded that he is not and we have to break up. Oh wells, i can only hope that both of us will be able to really find THE ONE person who has been paired to us by God. Is there such a thg? Do u believe in it? 

Lastly i really hope that, i will be able to love and live well and good things will come to me once i am in Jakarta. 

Dear God, please have some mercy on your child, forgive me for all my wrong doings and show me towards the right path. 

This should come very surprising. And i am in fact, also quite surprised with this feeling i have. 

Its a definite that i am going back to Jakarta for good. No more changes. 

Whats surprising is, i actually feel the sadness of leaving. Having to leave Stanley, my bf of 5 years. My friends from school, college and just friends. And lastly, having to live Spore. I practically grow up here. Its been 17 years.

Now that i am leaving this place. I feel scared, its like leaving a comfort zone. Well not exactly very comfort comfort zon, but yeahs, i have been independent for 17 years, and now i am going home to be dependant on my family, i can only hope that things will turn good and turn for the better. 

I cannot believe that my relationship of 5 years is going to end up, busted. Its like i got into a relationship for nothing. 

I am sad. I will miss him definitely. Then again i know, i have to let go, this time round. 

Plan-less

So im going back home to Jakarta for good. Its been decided. Have told my cousin. Told most, if not all of my friends in Singapore. All those that will be affected has been informed. Kind of.

Next thing to do is to wait for big boss to come back from India, then i can resign proper.

And then pack up my things. And then meet up with all my friends before i really pack up and go.

And then off i go home.

Honestly, i dont know what im gonna do at home. Most probably will learn how to bake. Yesh, no joke. BAKE. I will try to grow to like it, hopefully it is in me, the baker in me will be revealed. Then bake something out. To sell at Mommy's shop. And then if it turns out well, i will open my own outlet :)


It will be a very FRESH start for me. Totally NEW.

I only have my family at home in Jakarta. No friends at all. So yeahs, HOPEFULLY, it will out turn good. I will get to make some new friends, open new shop and have new income.

Dear God, please let this turn out well!

Been back for a week now. Everyday has been spent outside. At night when i come back i talk to cousins. I smile i laugh.
But when im alone, all i can think about is home. Papa, i miss you. Where are you?

I cant sleep, cant fall asleep. I miss you, Daddy. I miss home too.

I hope everyone's well. Im thankful for my friends, who has been trying to make me laugh, keep me accompany. Thank you. I hope i will get better soon. But certain feelings cant be controlled. Im glad u guys r here to distract me.

Thank you.

26 days

It's been 26 days Daddy. I still cannot accept the fact that you are no longer here. Its very heart breaking. You are deeply missed and remembered by all your customers. They couldnt believe that you are gone too. Till now people still ask me.

Them: "Where is the uncle that usually look after the shop"
Me:" He pass away."
Them:" are u joking, that uncle?"
Me:" yes thats my Papa, he is no longer here, i am not joking, i wish its all just a joke."

No more you.
Why?
Why? Sometimes i think you not entirely to blame for your health condition. We didnt take care of you or maybe each other well enough. We are all separated. One at each place. We r all left to take care of ourself. With the assumption that. We r all old enough to know what to eat and what not to eat. What to do and what not to.

Dad u didnt give me any chance at all, to take care of you.
When u fell and woke up, do u remember i said that i will bring u to the doctor for ull body check up the following week and you said YES to me?

Then why!!!!!!!!!! Im not blaming you Daddy.
I am not blaming anyone. But why cant i, when i already have the ability to take care of u and mommy. I am not given this chance?! Why?

Whats so good about this life, when the family is no longer complete? Its not complete without your presence, Pa!

Dad

Papa, it still feels unreal. 2 weeks ago i was in singapore happily waiting to come back jkt on friday night and you will be waiting for me at the airport.

I miss you alot. I really do. Today, this date this second u r no longer around. Nowhere. I dont know why this happened. Why God took you away so soon.


Dad. I really miss you alot. I want you to come bck. Please come back to me. I dont know where you are now. I dont want u to go. :(

I know there is no more you. Your body has been cremated. All thats left is just pictures and your ashes. I know there is no more you. Reality is, there is no more you. i cannot accept it. I really miss u alot. I want you back. Alive, At the other shop and when i call u will pick up the phone.

Papa i really miss you. A lot. I want you back. I know no amount of tears, misses or anything at all can bring you bck. But i really want you back. You are the head of this family. Just like a body cannot live without its head. This family doesnt feel right without you.

Pa.. I miss u alot.. Will u please ease this ache just by a little bit? Just a little bit will do. I really miss you.

How can i continue to live as per normal when its not normal anymore. :'(

New year.

Its supposed to be a new year, new happenings. New wishes, new hopes, new luck. I have been wishing that everything can turn for the better, believing that everything can be better.
Its that believe and faith that can keep me going.

But, its getting really very  very tiring. i m very tired of leading this kind of life.
Well, maybe in the eyes of others, my life is not that bad. I have a job. I have an income every mth.

But i m not happy. Im not happy in this position, i dont like being in this position. I dont like being here.
Then again ppl will say that, there is always no fun in working for others. But then there is always jobs that is meaningful. Doing something that u love doing. Or sth related.

Sometimes i ask why. Why m i in this position. How did i end up here. How? What exactly did i do wrong? What is it?

I dont ask for much, i just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for? I want to stop leading such a screw up life.

End it or i shall end it myself.

As i grow older, i just made more and more regretful decisions after decisions. The latest one? To shift in here. Or rather sharing the same room.

They r right. U'll never know the full person's personality until u really move in with them. I KNOW RIGHT!

I know that she is lazy, but i didnt know she is THIS lazy.
I didnt know that she is THIS selfish. And i didnt know that she is THIS inconsiderate. Gosh.

Sometimes i cant comprehend humans. They seem to treat outsiders better than they treat their own family. This is what i experienced. First hand, from my own cousin.

I REALLY dont know she is such a person. I mean well, i know that she is kind of a bit loose somewhere. trust me i even ask my aunt, her mom if she had some disorder. Getting angry and crazy and spat vulgarities at people over NOTHING.

Its 3:20 am now. I m still wide awake thanks to all her inconsiderate actions that woke me up when i was already asleep just now at 12?

But i was taught to never stoop low to her level. To return evil with kindness! I shall try my best on that. Returning evil with kindness!

Hello world. Its 00:59 and i cant sleep so i shall blog.
I went out to a house warming today.
Stanley's uncle house. Its a condo near serangoon - woodleigh if im not wrong.
His uncle house was at the top floor. The highest level - 15th.
Didnt really have a nice view. The uncle said that right upfront used to be a while stretch of graveyard which has been cleared and its now a nice green patch of land.

The unit itself is cozy its a 2+1 unit meaning one master bedroom, one small bed room and i guess the plus one is a study room. The size of the house is patheticly small. BUT it has a long stretch of balcony and i have to admit that its cozy. Well having paid around 1mil for that condo. There has to be something good about the house right? So yeah nice small cozy place. I wouldnt mind staying there. But i wouldnt pay 1 mil to buy a condo here. I'd rather build my mansion in indonesia. :p enough for 3 generations to stay in. Haha.
Ok anyways,
Like many other condominium, each of the settings is almost the same. Swimming pool garden playground.. Its a new condo so everythg is new, everythg is nice and beautiful. Hope it remains that way.

His uncle is an inspiration. He went to ite, poly then uni and now an engineer bringing home a 5 digit paycheck every mth, so THATS something. Proven that if we work hard anythg can be accomplished?
And the best is his uncle is a humble man :) I guess he is really quite wealthy? To own a hdb and 2 condos in spore. There's very little of such ppl ard - rich but humble.

And since i am very free. When i m packing my thgs to shift into cousin's i guess i will snap photos and show how i organize my stuffs to prepare for shifting and to also make it easier for unpacking. :)

Alrighty, good nights! I shall go try to catch some zzz. Its already 01:13 now.

Nighty nights! Hope it'll be a better day when everyone wakes up. :)

Actually i feel really stress. Rather maybe i am stressing myself. Cuz i want to be better than everyone else. My two cousins they r about the same age as me. In fact they always say that the 3 of us are of the same age.

Look at them and then look at me. They already bought a house in Singapore. while i am still in deficit. They already started giving their parents better life. But mine is still working hard. I came to spore way earlier than them but they r already a citizen and a pr. While i am still struggling to get a work pass to work here. Sometimes i ask myself whats wrong with me. What did i or my parents do wrong. Maybe i shouldnt even come here. Maybe things would have been better. And i get really frustrated now when my family at home asks me when am i going back. They miss me, but i miss them alot more too! And i do wana go back and stay for a while to let all these steam off.
I flared up yst when dad keep asking me when m i gg back. Cuz i am irritated with the qns. Just like when my mom ask me whats the plan now. I also brushed her off and said no plan and stop asking me that. Perhaps, ask the one who has grasp of all these. Dont ask me cuz i know nothing!!!
I am waiting aimlessly. I hate all these waiting. But no one understand. Ppl always think that i can just go to MOM ICA and blabber but who cares abt me really, i am just a foreigner, they dont give a damn about whether i have been here for 15 over yrs or just 1 yr. i am just a foreigner to them.
It doesnt matter to the govt agencies whether all the employers who offered me a position in the company all gave me the same remark as of why do i still need a work pass when i have been here for so long. To them i am a sporean. More spore than many sporean.
But does it matter to the relevant parties processing my pass or my pr? Bcuz what matters to them is the money i am getting per mth. What matters to them is how much tax i have paid. And what matters to them is whether i will be of value here. Whether i can contribute much in their so called economic bla bla bla.

I am shifting nx week. As much as i am excited about staying with cousins cuz i will feel more at home. No more waiting for toilet. No more being alone. No more hvg to tolerate outsiders nonsense.
But i feel inferior. Cuz thats their house, not my house.

Sometimes i probably just think wayyy too much. Maybe? But arent all my thoughts real?

Oh and i just got offered another job in another company. Signed the employment offer yst. Applied for pass. The most AWESOME news is, well.. The current status of my pass as of this morning is... "...expected outcome is 2 months" LOL.
Lets just wait and see. What will happen again. I guess history might just repeat itself. Lets clap. somehow those intelligent ppl/ system think that companies CAN wait 2 months to hire someone. Awesome. Brilliant and clever people..
Too much of such talent here.
Their talent and intelligence cost me to lose the job offer at a rather big MNC located at Bugis!!!!! That job i lost, comes With awesome job benefits and awesome prospect. Thank you awesome, talented and intelligent people for taking THAT away from me.

Tuesdays

I began to wonder if its really every tuesdays that i m feeling such.
I wake up, again with no sense of purpose. I have nothing in mind and nothing up my sleeves. I wana get away. I wana travel!
Or just let me just start working already.

M"**% replied my so called email. It was a useless reply. In my mind its a might-as-well dont reply email.

Why?

Being. They didnt tell me something new. They told me everythg i already know, in short its just for formalities that they reply. Just because the email sent to then was forwarded from the P+++ office.

Lol. Sorry for the blanks and all.
But yeahs i am frustrated. :(

And weird enuf this time i am also hoping that my monthly will come soon. Its wayy too delayed!! I need to have it soon. Pimples have been popping every single day!!! Shucks!! Scars here and there :(

I guess i should just stop stressing and just live.

I have been spending money like crazy.
Got to stop!!

...

I woke up this morning not knowing wat to do. I wana escape from this place, i dont know what to do. I have no plans for the day except wasting the time away. I want to do something productive. But i dont know what it is.

I hate this situation. The unknown. I have been waiting for very long. Have wasted more than enough time. I dont want to continue anymore. I m tired. Not from walking not from running. But from doing nothing. I m sick of thinking. Planning. When in the end the outcome never fails to disappoint.

I cut myself yesterday. I didnt really know how i got the cut either but for there's one instant that I wish the cut was deeper, so that it overwhelms the pain i feel elsewhere.

The biggest wrong decision i have ever taken in my life is to come here. This place. Its nothing but an empty hole. A hole that i guess i wont be able to stay in any longer.
Maybe it is predestined. Maybe i shouldn't even be here at all. Which is why there is so much obstacles.

This place is just nice on the outside. But inside its rotten.

Im currently very sensitive to the word and action, waiting. And i hate waiting. If u wana meet me and u made me wait for u. Thats it. Goodbye. I dont want to wait anymore!!!
And stop asking me why is it like this? Why i am saying this. Why i am asking. I wish someone can answer all the whys i have in my mind.

Okay. My attitude is getting worst. No excuse to blame it on the pms cuz its late again this mth and still havent come yet.

25!

This is super random. But being 25, i cant help but feel really OLD.
I have asked myself times and many times wht i have accomplished.

Erm.. Not much.

But i have always wanted to travel! Thus, i have a dream job in mind which WILL allow me to travel. But i really dont know why again and again i failed the interview.
That sucks. :(

I really hope and wish and hope that i will be able to nail and get that dream job by this year! I really wana travel!!!!!!

I hated being at the same place for too long. Doing, nothing.

I have been mei shi Zuo for 1mth+ and trust me, the feeling is really 很烦!
Its not like i have a big bungalow with a inhouse swimming pool or a big garden or a squash court or a gym room where i cn 消遣 when im bored! :( i have nothing. Except four walls and a novel!

Yea i am picking up reading! Lol! After all these years!!

Dear God, i really wish my PR will be approved soon. And sorry for being greddy but i do want to get that dream job, i hope in this life, that can be accomplished.
Thank you in advance :)

waiting. planning. shifting

So I have been waiting for my NEW Employment Pass as well as PR appeal to be approved. been waiting for weeks now. I hope results will be out soon. good or bad, whatever it is, just let it be out soon. so i can move on. i have been very positive. I HOPE THEY WILL ALL BE APPROVED. of course, humans, being greedy us. we hope something even better will happen. like, i am hoping more for my PR appeal to be approved, so i don't have to go through all the hassle of waiting for my work pass to be approved, so on and so forth..

money in the bank is slowly depleting. so i really NEED a job asap. :(

and cousin bought a house. I went to view it for the FIRST time yesterday.
and yes, initial, first time look, i didnt really like the place. cuz, its just second floor. big rubbish house is just probably 20 steps away. its pretty rather quite far from the mrt station. the house is OLD. needs a lot of fixing. if its me, i probably wont buy it. :/
BUT then again, as i have been practising positivity recently, i shall hope that, after all the renovation, like scrapping off OLD paintings, OLD cabinets, put in a fresh set of painting and fresh set of beds and cabinets. the house will look NEW!
I am looking forward to that!!! so i will definitely love the place!
happy for cousin that she finally got her dream come true! she has an asset in her hand now! congrats cousin! :D
being 26 and has a property under her name, thats just awesome! :D

so i am having my plans now. i wana do something new, at least towards the end of this year, i need to accomplish all the plans i have in mind.

1) LOSE weight!
2) DO better make up! on my face! at least know which foundation & concealer works best for my face.
cuz gone are the days where my face is perfectly polished and clean without any scars.
current face condition is just, not suitable to step out of house to meet people.
3) start saving towards my 2nd 5 digit figure!
4) Being happy that i lived! throw away all the negativity in life :)

Its a brand new week! have a great one! <3 p="p">

Hurdles

Pr got rejected.
Got asked to leave the coy.
Work search began. Employers only wants sporeans/prs/msians.
Job search went for weeks.
Finally a kind employer wana hire me.
SUPER HAPPY AND GLAD!
Then..
Apply for EP.
Waiting for EP outcome...
EP got rejected!
AWESOME MUCH?

It sucks it really sucks!
Just when i thought everything is finally turning for the better for me.
EP outcome is that my employment pass application has been rejected! Which means! I cant start work so soon. Or rather i cant even start work at a new job cuz the freaking work permit just isnt approved!

What else..? What else is going to be thrown at me? What else..?!

Drama series

So watching drama series has always been and is still is my escapade. Dont know if escapade is the right word.

I have been back in singapore for a few days now. And i havent been exactly happy.

Today took half day leave for an interview. Who knows the interview cock up. Make me even more down.

I have been suicidal. Ok suicidal can be rather too extreme. I Have been very negative. I still am. Actually i do know what i want. But i cant do it. I can be suave about thgs. No job here? Sg dont want me? Neither do i! Pack up and leave this place. But. I have been asking myself, whats next? All my frens are here. Even my bf whom i have been with for almost 5 years. Want me to let go of everythg and start a new somewhere else? Its really very very difficult. I dont know how to go about doing it :s

I am such a loser! Whatever. Lets see what happens next..