y couldn't it be simpler?
y can't i just live through this and when the time comes, just take it away from me, without me knowing? at least it wont hurt that much.
I really don't know how i should go about doing this.
u tell me.
someone tell me.
i really don't know how.

back in Singapore.
the feeling inside kind of sucks.
everything i have down here since then, seems wrong.
i know i need to do certain decisions. i need to carry out that decision, but i cant bring myself to do it.
lets wait and see, lets see what happens.
it's something, which, i need to bear the consequences if i dont follow or whatsoever.
lets see how.
the sight of the school makes me sick.
whatever.


i need a saturday and sunday job. any job lobangs?


anyways... i now have a PINK mouse to match my PINK lappy. how nice. at least this made me happier a little bit.


i miss home.
i miss BALI!


arghs. whatever, got to start tidying up my stuffs.
got to start tidying up my notes.


p/s:
if u don't like me updating my blog, don't like reading whatever shit is in here... then please KINDLY, don't come anymore. That will be better than, you reading and then coming to me to kbkb..

5 more days. I dont feel like going back there. HOW?
Ade girl once told me that, since i dislike staying in SG so much, have i ever thought of leaving there and come back to jakarta with my parents.
Actually, yes, i ever thought of that before.
but i know the place here and everything, dont really suit me. I cant go out on my own, I cant do much here. well, yes yes, if i really have to stay here, i will learn to adapt to the situation here. WHatsmore, i have learnt how to be more independent here. i dare to go out on my own ald. so, it's really, yeahhs.. sooner or later i will learn.

sometimes, i really ask myself, what is it about singapore that i dont like.
actually there i sonly one reason why i hated that place, why i hated going back there.
It's all because, i hate being alone there.
I dread having to do everything on my own.
I have said this a lot of times. So yeahs.. I just dread being alone there, not staying in my own house and everything.
I hated being alone.


whatever it is, no matter how much i hated going back there and having to fend for myself alone..
i know i have to go back by the 23rd and that is it. I just have to go back..


I know in the end, no matter how i dislike certain things, when it comes my way, i just have to do it. I have no choice at all...


wish me well bahss...

sometimes, its not really about what people say, how people want me to do this do that, it's what i want to do and how i want to do it.
I also wish, i could pick up the courage to do things i want to do and face whatever outcome. It's funny how certain things can happen and then POOF! everything is gone again.


what my cousin said is right. I can only choose between A or B.
If i choose A, i will lose B and vice versa.
Its the rule of the game. No one can have the best of both worlds.
So now, i need to do that, no matter how heavy my heart feels, no matter how sad i am, no matter how difficult the situation will be, I know, i will need to go through this again.
I haven't been honest with anyone, i haven't been honest with myself also. Deep inside me, I really know what I should do and how I should do it, but I am afraid, I am scared of the consequences. I cannot afford to fail again.

I've been on my own for the past few days..

Dad flew over to Penang for body check up.. I hope it all goes well and i really hope this time round he will listen to what the doctor said and please... heed his advice... I just want him to be healthy and all....

So while I am all alone... to prevent my mind from "wondering" off... i spent my whole day watching TVB drama and continue to watch it till i sleep...

That is the only thing i can do... i dont want to think so much... I got tired of thinking... I think i did promise.. no i mean.. i did tell him that i will do what he told me to do.. but then.. i really cant bring myself to do it.. thing is i really dont know how i should do it..

Life has been... really weird.. maybe humans are weird.

those not in a relationship are dying to get into a relationship, while those already in it are dying to get out of it..

and then those already having almost everything in place, still think that their life is not so complete and still asking for more..

WE are weird, aren't we?

Sometimes i really hope i am alone.. so that no one and hurt me and i wont hurt anyone...

the last thing i want to do is to hurt people who are already so dear to me...

It would have been much easier, if i am hard hearted... if i am selfish and i am ignorant..

right from the beginning of this all... i already told myself... IF.. this dont work out in the end, i wont blame anyone.. i wont push the blame to anyone.. I am the one who chose this path. no matter how disgusted with the way things are now... no one is to blame. because, i chose this path. i am responsible for this. yeahh... so this is it...

I've decided... i'll just wait and see.. Till the day i dare to do anymore things... I guess.. i'll just wait and see... because.. i really dont know what to do...

Results are coming out soon. I am really SCARED. I dont know man! I am really scared. I know i need to pass. I need to and i must. so please... really.. Bless me and everyone, so that wie will all be happy with our results.

and then... i am going to Bali next week! =D

Like finaly after so many years.. I can go Bali and i am going for a week! I am really looking forward to this trip. PLease let it be fun. please allow me to forget everything during the trip and let me enjoy myself. =)))

it's been 3 days? since i last talk to him as in really talk...
I've been thinking if i should or i should not. Ah mir, gave me some advices which i really agree with.
He is probably right, i did not spare a thought for him. What i have been doing is thinking of what to say correctly, so that I wont hurt him and i wont lose him as a friend. and yes... I know that, if one day we do break up, he will go his way and i will go mine. I must be prepared to lose him, even as a friend. And, i haven't lost any close friend, since young, and if i am to lose this bf, whom i see as a bf, a brother, a family and a best friend... it'll be ... I don't know man... i don't know how to react even...


The days that we haven't been talking, i feel really weird, because, i am a quite random some time, i can just P.m him silly stuffs, talk to him about silly things and all, but now! i need to restrain, because i cant talk to him, not that i can't but he did say that he wont disturb me, while i am doing my thinking. even when we do talk on msn, the feeling is really different, it's like 2 strangers talking to each other.
I really don't know what i should do. should i continue to believe and protect myself... or should i just carry on and see what happen in the end. Being In a relationship, can really.. in simple terms... make you happy or sad.
I really don't want to lose this friend. Furthermore, really, 15 months is not very long, but it is not very short either... I mean, all the feelings, all the things we've done together and all the silly things we know about each other.. it's a lot.. its all memories... memories to keep? or to be thrown away? I don't know mannn! I feel really confused and i know, i need to make my own decision and accept whatever consequences there is...


It's like, even when i know he is studying, my mind can drift to.. how i wish i am there studying together with him, because i've studied the stuffs he will be studying in October...
Its getting really frustrating... I don't want to let him go, but something inside me, is scared about what might happen, what will happen and all...


me, and every girl, hopes that the guy... the man.. they will meet in their life will be that correct man for them.. the so called.. my prince charming... of course we want to meet the correct man and settle down with that guy, we hope, we wish and we pray that this will be the right guy for us... but how many of us, found the right one and settled down...?



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I am going Bali next week! YAY! =D
with my cousins! I'm looking forward to it! i hope it will be FUN!
Please let it be fun! It has to be...... please let it be... it'll be my last holiday.. before i go

i haven't been blogging for quite a few months now..
and i am still at home in Jakarta now! =))


life has been...
i don't know what is the correct word...
messy? complicated? I dont know mann! everything has been really.. urgh!
i dont know what to say...
ad there is another thing i have yet to settle.
and i am really lost as to how i should settle that stuff...
i dont know.
its might sound silly, it might sound stupid.
BUT. well, yes.. i dont know is all i can say now...


hope all's been well over there! school is starting! and my result is gg to be revealed soon.
pray for me.. i hope i pass everything...


Bless me. Bless us. =)

tell me who would watch gossip girls and tear..?

LOL.

yes, I teared. Gossip Girls is nice! go catch it if you can! =))

Exams over now..

But i am so bored.

I cant wait to go home.

Yik ping left for Hongkong today..

Bestie is leaving for Darwin on Thursday!

I'm leaving for home on Friday!

and my aunt is leaving for home too on saturday!

I hope all our journey will be great and fun!

Enjoy the holis! and I'll see u all soon! =))

3 months of staying at home.

I think it'll be great even though i know there will be times when I will be stubborn and will get kind of into a heated arguments here n there.

I still hope my friends can drop by =))

So do text me into my Sg phone when u guys are coming.

I'll go pick u all up..

Stan n his friend will be coming in July?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

met up with bestie girl yesterday..

talked alot..

i was kind of worried after all the talks, i know what i am worried about.. but i guess things will do just fine. =)

and after the talk.. today.. i thought a lot.

ha. maybe i really still dont know what i really want.

and i am confused as to what i should do.

i dont know to let go now or what.

oh wells, as long as the feelings is still there, i guess its hard to let go.

BUT i know, and i am sure when its time to let go, i guess, i'll need to let go.

but maybe, not now..?

I just want to relax and enjoy the holidays and not think about anything now..

hmm..

i guess there is one saying that is really right..

since you don't know what will happen tomorrow, so.. why worry about it..

Exam IS over!
so whats next?!
lOL!
I hope it will be party party and party.
meet up with my ladies =)
and guys! =D
HAHA!
I know this is kind of silly!
BUT thank you Ade girl!
haha! this small girl, is really small in size, but sometimes i really go WOW with all her.. yeahhs.. i know what.. neverminds! I just wana thank this girl for that little sms! I mean, you know, who would bother to text you when ur exam in over? just to tell you to enjoy your deserved holidays?
This girl did! Thank you girl! Jia you for your exams! and definitely ur upcoming holis! I am sure u will enjoy it! =)))


so I am going home next friday! =))
i know i will miss all the class outings.. IF there is any...
everyone and anyone close to me, is welcome to visit me at home! =))
text me! email me! I'll go to the airport to pick you all up.
and what will be better is?! for you all to join me back home, next friday! =))
It's been so long since i have a company for aeroplane rides home..
Oh wells.. hmm..


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I am really sad for my uncle and aunt!
not exactly related, but, yeahs, i am told to call them uncle and aunt and yes, i do respect them..
IT might sound pretty stupid because, i dont see them often..
i can count how many times i have seen them.
so anyways.. i went to find my dear cousin just now..
ate dinner with her and him and my eldest aunt!
dinner was great, chatting was great, everything was great.
BUT the bad thing is..
Having Aunt to tell me about what happened to that aunt and uncle i am referring to earlier on..
apparently on wednesday night, while everyone is having fun.. some studying.. blablabla..
their house got "robbed" if you calll that robbery!
I think that man is trying to take their life.
FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
ROBBERS! JUST take the money they gave?! why the hell do you want to use the hammer and hit an old man"s head?! and continues hitting him when he is already begging you to stop? he is 71 years old mind you! wth! and he is still unconscious now! and he has been sent by plane to Mount Elizabeth hospital yesterday morning.. all i hope for is.. for him to regain his consciousness soon. and yeah.. get well soon. and yeahh.., his wife is still in the hospital in Medan now.. her condition wasnt as bad as her husband.. both of them are injured very badly because of the damn robber who used HAMMER?! to hit them.
From what i know, they are very nice people and its definitely not the case of them unknowingly offended the guy.. hais.. i was just thinking! what on earth is hapening in this world? people killing each other? hurting each other? yeah.. rich people are rich.. but they worked hard for those money! If you are poor! y cant u just be contented that at least you have a shelter? a job? an income enough to feed yourself? IF you dont have so much, then dont spend so much?! as simple as that! why the hell do you want to go rob people?! and even if you do wana rob.. and you are ald given the money, why dont you just leave? why din u stop ur hammering?! why did u even try to kill them? they are just two elders?! their age is ald 70+++ why cant you let them leave the last few years of their life happily? why must you make this tragedy happen to them?
you are so inhuman! even if the police catch you, tortured you, imprisoned you? whats the use when.. you have hurt two innocent souls? and even if your life was taken.. it couldnt atone for what you've done.


sighs! whats with this world?!
I dont know..


I really hope that they will recover soon. With the current technology I am sure the doctors could do something.
God, please help them.

this song is nice! =D


anyone has the full gossip girls season 1 and 2 series?!?!
LEND ME PLEASE... =DD

u know i am very amazed by his "never give up", "never say die" spirit.
yeah. I am amazed and inspired.
He just never gave up.
if i were him, i;d definitely already given up. But he didn't, he goes all out to find every means and ways and try to get things done.
Maybe this is what they call,
as long as you've done your best, there is nothing to feel "regretful" about...
天无绝人之路。。。
I wish him all the best, I always do! and I do believe that even if this fails, given his spirit, given his determination, he'll be able to find something else to do. =)
So i wish him all the very best! =)


and so i called Mommy yesterday.
so i now know that she has fallen ill, thus her bad attitude last week. =/
so now i so feel like going back to help her out, IF there is no work for me to do.
Today is the day that I will book my air ticket.
I know my friends hated me for doing this, at least i know one.
I always do things and make decisions last minute.
So it's like, I'll go to them and say, "I'm going back home tomorrow, I'll see u in 3 months time."
and i forgot all about the outings we planned, all the after exams day out!
I'm not going to ask them to understand me..
I'm not going to ask for forgiveness, by making such decision.
But then again, I have to do so.. cuz.. yeahs.. money...
I wana save having to pay the full month rent.. that's y i got to go home next week, if i dont get a job. =)
So i'll see all of u in 3 months time.. IF i do go back next week..
for these few years.. its only 3 months-4 months.
have you ever wondered when i'll say...
"i'm going back home for good tomorrow, i'll see you guys around when i visit! =)"
Just the thought of it, kind of scare me.
Because, it'll mean, I'll be unable to contact my usual girlls so frequently..
i'll be unable to go out and talk crap with my usual girls n boys!
i'll be unable to suddenly ask heup late at night "eh wana go out or not.."
I'll be unable to do so many things.
Time is passing by so fast.
I need to find something meaningful to do..
I need to.. at least, I need to treasure the times I get to spend with my darling friends..


and then again, i know one day i'll need to make the decision to stay here or to go back..
which means, to choose another guy who will let me stay in Jakarta, or continue to be with Stan, if i'm still with him then.. and stay in singapore..
given my LOVE for sg (i'm sorryy 4 d sarcasmmm =x)
i would want to stay in Jakarta.
I really prefer the life there.
yes, i know it's very er.. un-safe there...
It's very unstable there..
It's very chaotic there..
But u know what..
I like the life there simply because, the people there are moving at a very slow paced..
they are not so competitive..
wells, even though I still dun dare to go out alone and I get scared when people look at me..
I'll still choose to go back then staying here.
Hmm.. lets see and decide when the time comes.
I know i will have to decide one day.
I really want to enjoy my life now, despite all the "problems"
despite all teh unhappiness.
I just want and i really want to spend my current life meaningfully, at least, until before, i get involved in a job..
until before i get involved in a family.
I just want to enjoy this moment, where i am free to do what i want.
travel around if can.
Just do anything and everything i wont get to do when i am already old and dying..
we'll all go that stage one day, since we need to live, so yeahs, why not.. just live it..
and i know being my parents girl, i have a lot of things i cant do.
i know. because, i just cant stop making them not worried. =x
OH wells...


I know i've been living my life, lying to myself all along, lying to myself that tomorrow will be a better day, even when everytime i wake up, i just dread what i have to do the next day..
I feel like doing what i really want to do, but i know i have responsibilities to fulfil first. =)
I will, try my very best to fulfil them.
I know i've been crying a lot this month. I know..
Im so sorry.. but from now on, i'll try, i'll try my best not to cry anymore.
I'll try my best, to smile, even when i have problems. =)
i'll face the problems smiling..
yeaps..
So now..
get back to real stuffs. things i dread doing a lot. =(
studyingg.. i just need to do it right..?


and i've been seeing images of them everywhere..
but i know.. i know.. whats past is past.. i can't bring them back anymore..
i'll just stay at the current stage.. =))

the gas stove in the house.. just er... yeah... exploded... -_-''
I seriously don't know how it happens.
Oh wells, I'm glad, no one is injured and luckily uncle is at home.
else.. i don't know..
like how the hell can the gas stove explode right?!
the bang was quite loud, but i thought, auntie broke something or what..
i never thought the stove exploded..
oh wells, glad that no one is injured! =)


I still havent decide to go back or not..
it doesnt really matter anyway..
oh wells, i'll decide when i have to decide.. hmm.. =(
I hate thinking, because when i start to think, my head will ache.
so im not gona think.

i still dont know what to do.
its such an easy decision right?
to just go back or.. just take the freaking test 1st den go back.
but no. it isnt as easy.
if i stay i need to pay the freaking rent.
which will total up to be 720 in 2 months... and 1080 in 3 months.
so now..
tell me how.
i can do a lot with 1080 lah!
but if i go back 1st, there is definitely be a possibility of my driving skills deteriorating.
so you tell me how?
but i have a car at home now already, but its a different car. its a family car, so very different from those small car i used to learn and play with over here.
and then also, i will need to update my pdl again and of course i need to renew the freaking bbdc card again. but all that will total up only to about 50 bucks lah.
and what i dont like now is,
if i go back 1st, den come back, by then i would be getting my results.
student pass expires in 0ct.
argh! i duno.
its making my headache worst.
damn.


you tell me how.
tell me how.

this seriously SUCKS.
i hate this.
and headache is not gone yet.
it's still there.
in my head.
damn.
i hope i could pop 10 pills of panadols and never had headache again.
as a matter of fact. i hate to be in pain.

I knew something is definitely wrong when i suddenly had a bad headache AGAIN just now.
but then.. headache has become a part of me now..
they visit me practically every single day and yeah! i have started taking panadols.
for the first time in my life..
i am eating panadol.
i used to hate eating them, cuz i know they are doing more harm than good.
but then.. now i am starting to take them because i need to study.. and if i have a very bad headache.. i just wont be able to concentrate so yeahs!
BUT dont worry. i wont abuse them. =D
they are so expensive.
so i wont do stupid things like.. feeding myself with panadols.. its like throwing money into the drain... so no worries..


and yes.. so anywayy... yeahhs..
something bad did happen.
AGAIN.
I seriously hate this a lot and really a lot.
when i thought, yeah.. when i thought she is the person i could depend on, she is the person who would give me the best advice i can ever get..
and suddenly i realize that..
everyone is so busy with their own stuffs.
we are all over the place.
no.. i don't hate them..
its just that kind of feeling..
you know they are there..
but you cant look for them..


I am wrong and I have been wrong.


you know the feeling of..
when you are very sure of something..
when you've always believed in it..?
when you know you are right and will definitely be right..?
then suddenly..
when you go on to do what you think is right..
the answer you get is..
you've always been wrong..
yeah..
it's like someone giving you a slap on your face..
telling you that you've been wrong..
or rather..
they want you to know that you've been silly all along.
you've been stupid all along.
you've been a fool all along.


you know..
sometimes i feel that it's better to have a pen pal.
i think it's nice to have one.
i lost mine a few years back.
nvms.
anw..
yeahhs.. i seriously think that it'll be nice if you can talk to different strangers every single day.
since they don't know you and you can talk to them about just anything and everything..
i think it's nice.
at least u get to vomit out everything you feel at anytime you want..


i've found a place which i really love though.
i really love going to Temples.
really, i feel at peace when i am there.
i feel that, there and then, there's just me and God and there is nothing for me to hide.
They know how i feel, what i want and yeahhs..
and i feel even more at peace when i hear them reading prayers..
i feel at peace, then i will follow them with their prayers too.
and then..
i will feel really at peace..
and there and then... i forgot all that is inside me.....

my head is pain.
my hand is aching.
my eyes are closing.
arghhs!
the best thing to do now is..
S L E E P
but i need to
S T U D Y


life is so beautiful~~~

DANG!

I'm so tired.

LOOK AT THE TIME NOW! =((

BUT i still can't sleep.

I am trying to absorb as much as possible, but i'm very tired already.

I simply hate memorizing because, i just can't seem to get them through my head, so the only thing i can do is try to understand them, make them a part of me.

The process sucks. =((

I don't know why must we memorize. It's so stupid. =(

Oh God, please.. please.. "open" up my brain, give me more knowledge, PLEASE enter all those need to be memorised stuffs into my head. I'm really trying already, so please, help me. =)

JUST TWO MORE PAPERS.

PLEASE.

God Bless me. =)

Oh.. and.. Uni application reply letters have started to be mailed out.

good luck to those awaiting Uni reply.

Hopefully, you all get to go into the Uni & course of your choice! =)

see the number of people in my MSn contacts..
It's pathetically-little.
haha.
actually kind of good, because i don't see a point in having hunderds over of contacts but i only talk to about TEN to TWENTY of them.
and, I didn't do the deleting of contacts.
somehow.. maybe my beloved Omnia & PINK Vaio can synchronize and yes they do synchronize with each other.. everytime i take the train, when i am bored, i will delete email addresses from my phone book so it'll look neater.
and ta-da the result of me deleting emails resulted in deleting my msn contacts.
BUT yes, i still have them in my msn, just that they are invinsible,
when they talk to me, then it'll re-appear again.
So i didn't block or delete them, they are there but they are just invinsible.
amazing right. haha
ok. i shall go eat lunch n continue with my study le. =))


It's a nice rainy afternoon. no more hot, warm n humid weather today. :)

He said, “I got the place. Good things can happen to good people. We just hope and miracle will be done from God :) don't give up. Expect the unexpected :)”

It was about 11+ yesterday ald, and usually after 630 you won’t get parking space at the lower level of the car park anymore, not to mention after 11+ at night. So everytime we leave the carpark, I hope that when Stan reached home, he would get a place at the lower level. And yeahs, he got a space yesterday night! =) and its at the first floor some more. And he purposely took this pic for me, so that I will believe him. Thanks! =)

I just got to know about it now, cuz I’m using prepaid card, so yeahs.. When he sends me an MMS, I can only retrieve my MMS online. And this is what I got. Thanks you..!

Yes, maybe miracle do happen and I just need to pull myself up, make myself more optimistic. =)

And yes, I kept telling myself that, 船到桥头自然直。

有些事情想不通，就别去想了， 或许过了些时间，就会想通。。

I hope that miracles DO happen. =)

二十二岁了， 不可以发生什么不愉快的事情就哭， 要坚强一点！ 加油！ =)

And yes! This is also what I have been telling myself lately. =)

I will, yes, I will try to be stronger. I will. =)

you know everyone have a different life and have different meaning in their life.

what's yours?

I can't find mine.

Really.

I really can't find ANY meaning in my life.

I am saying this not because i've gone crazy & emo again and my mind is gone drifting to somewhere.

I am not.

Since yesterday after econs paper. YES its econs.

That freaking subject which i am very sure i will definitely pass this year, after passing my prelims.

Yesterday, while doing the paper. I keep praying, I keep praying, I hope God will help me. Open up my brain, let me think clearly and do whatever i can with the paper.

The last thing i want to happen while doing my paper is for my brain to go BLANK.

and yes it happened. For the THREE full hours.

I was constantly thinking, i keep thinking very hard, I asked God to help me, I asked Him to help me because thi syear i really need to pass my exams. ALL my exams. I need to. 

I did all i can do to my paper already. and all i hope for is a PASS, really a pass. I really hope to pass. Initially, i have the hope of getting 60 -70 after passing my prelims.

Then now, all i hope is yes. JUST let me PASS. all i need is a pass.

I very well know that He knows what i am going through, and I know IF He decides to put me on another test, I am very sure He will.

But Dear God, I can't take anymore of such tests anymore, I have no time for that, You know why. Really, I really have no time for that. WE know why.

I cannot afford to put myself on another test like this. I can't. I am not strong enough for that, I don't have the means and ways to go through it another time.

they often ask me why, why and why..

I have the answer. Trust me, I know myself. I have the answer. 

But i can't share it with so many people. I can't.

I tried sharing it with one of my, i suppose.. close friend..? and she just goes really quiet and changed d topic to something else which made me shut up, and she really gives me a very clear sign that she don't wish to listen anymore.

From then on, I don't dare to tell anyone my problems anymore, I don't dare to tell anyone what I am going through.

Sometimes, really, maybe keeping things inside me is so much better than letting them out, rather than having to bear the response of your friends being not interested and changing the topic.

I hate that kind of situation. But yes, i know they have the right not to want to listen.

and yes, never will I spill what's inside me anymore, to just anyone.

I am really very tired of putting a smile on my face, when there is so much inside me which really won't let me smile. 

I put on a smile on my face acting as if nothing happen because, I don't want to make the atmosphere weird, I don't want anyone to worry about me. I really hate it when people worry about me, then again, its my fault also, because i am doing things which makes them worried.

Now what I really hope is, for someone to really just understand. Just try to understand, if you don't then your silence will be more helpful than you having to saying something to hurt my feelings and pushing all the blame to me.

Yeah, all i need is a lending ear, someone to listen and not having to say anything which they'd better not say.

i feel like giving up already now.

but i know i can't i still have two more papers to go.

i really feel like giving up already.

don't push me any further.

it's not a nice wednesday morning.
super sian.


the pile of book waiting for me to memorise is just beside me.
apart from this.


it's REALLY not a nice morning.


i just feel very weird inside...
i never thought my actions caused you to hurt so much.


you know, relationship is a two way street.
one party has to go one way, the other will go the opposite way.
then they will meet in d middle of the road.
sometimes, one of them will walk to fast and left the other behind.
the other refused to catch up and then as time goes by,
if the other one doesn't catch up and another one continues at his own pace.
sooner or later, they will drift apart and yeah, lead each other's own life.


and yes, I am the supposedly "bad guy".


sometimes I wonder if it is me or what.
Sometimes, yeahs, I do things my own way.
the way i want it to be,
the way i am comfortable with.
so much so that, sometimes, i never spare a thought about how others feel
and yes, i am only able to spare a thought about them, only when,
they give me time to think before i carry out my actions,
if you want me to spontaneously answer you or when i am too excited about answer and replying you, many a time, i always make the wrong step forward.
It's been like this.
ONE wrong move, and there is goes, REGRETS.
yes, i've done many things which i really have regretted.
REALLY REGRETTED.
and nothing i do would help anymore.
and the last thing i want to do is to hurt anyone who loves me and those i love.


I take every single friendship i have really precious.
I haven't had a single "online" friends since very long ago.
because I am against it.
I only talk to people I know, not people who try to get to know me because they have some motive.
I hate that.
If it's a friend's friend, ok lah.. i'm still able to accept it.
I mean, there is nothing wrong in widening your social circle.
So yes, the past two years till now, i had one online friend,
yes, initially i was kind of turn off and pissed off with him because, he wants to know me with a motive.
then, as i talk about him to my friend, and know about him more, through the little and mini talks we have, through FB, FS, i realised, he is actually a few of my ffriend's friend.
SO yah. Then i decided not to block him on msn anymore. *oOpps! =X*
yes, i did block him from my contacts once.
BUT since i know more, i decided to accept things and accept him as a friend, i know he means no harm. :)
So there, I got to know another new friend. =)


so what's my point right?
I just want to say that, i really never had any intention of hurting anyone.
I am super not good with words.
That's why i chose to be quiet most of the time unless i'm with my very close friends who know my character and know who i am, maybe not inside out, but they just know me.
I can be very noisy.
If i ever hurt any one of you, then i am really very sorry, yes, please tell me, so that i can reflect over it and try never to make the same mistake again.
and my friendship is not just with my very close friends, i must say that every single one of you, who have crossed my path before in one way or another, you are like a part of me already.
without all of you I really don't know what to do.
You know, it's really weird when, after so many years, like 6 to 7 years?
I still can remember every single nitty gritty detail that has happened in pri school, sec sch and Jc days.
all.
I can really remember those nitty gritty details you all did for me,
these memories will always be with me, till i get amnesia. =p
but yeahs, these memories brought smile to my face. and i really thank you all for that.
Thank you.


then to my bf.
some people still dont know how i got to know him.
well, that is not important.
I have a friendship with him too.
and the last thing i want to happen is, (IF we do go our separate ways), the last thing i want to happen is, we both vanish from each other's lifes.
You know up till now, I'm still looking out for some of my lost friends, especially Justin.
Yeahs, i don't know where he went to.
so my point is, I realy treasure every single friendship.
I want us to keep in contact till we grow old, if possible. it's all just because, every single friendship I make is precious, the process of how we got to know each other is a very important process and it makes our friendship even more so.
So yeahs, I don't understand, why if a couple breaks up, they have to vanish from each other's life.
I know the situation will be weird, but can't the friendship among them, hold them together as friends?
ah! whatever it is, I am really sorry if i ever hurt your feelings or what k?
If i do, then tell me lahh~ =)


Oh wells,
ok neverminds. I think I am getting nonsensical and it's difficult to bring my point across and you guys might think that i am just talking nonsense. If you think so, then so be it lor. =))


my heart n mind is already drifting towards my PBF lah! LOL. sorry!
OK. OFF i go to study PBF now. =)