Emptiness

I am supposed to go to sleep. but I honestly cant sleep. and here i am typing all these, and.. crying..
I really don't know what i should do.
I feel so lost. so empty. so confused. so stressed. and so sad.
i feel like giving up and just.. i duno. go and die or sth. I am so sick of this life. so sick of living this life. i feel liek ending all these. i know i shouldnt be saying all these, cuz... people in other countries are fighting so hard to try to live.. and here i am, thinking of wanting to end my own life.

all this while.. what i worked hard for.. what i always dreamt of... what i always wanted.. to fly.. together with my job... its all gone now..

it's just so impossible. so maybe.. because, i lost that so called dream... i feel really lost now..

think f my future? lol. what will it be like?
i dont know.
i feel like i am going crazy anyttime soon... its been so so long... since i break down and emo like this...

but the emptiness just sink in.

i know i dont belong anywhere.. i always know.. because.. there is no place i can even call a home... well.. maybe my parent's place is what i call "home"?
but i dont really belong there, do i?
neither do i belong here..., this is for sure...

so i thought, by landing myself in that job.. i could just continue with my "no-sense-of belonging" and fly around. at least i wont feel so bad.. i wont feel so empty....

ohwells..  just wana rant..
shall try to close my freaking eyes and sleep.. and wake up to a brand new day tml..?
hopefully, it'll be good to me.

in d end.. im still fine.. i'll be fine.. how can i not.. i need to make sure the mask i put on will tell everyone that i am good. i love studying. i loveee my life...and my life is so freaking good...

nights life.

68 days!

the 70 days mark is over.
now i'm left with 68 days!
actually not really 68 days.
minus off the 21 days of revision classes in school. that will be 47 days.
so i am left with 47 days to first paper.
kind of hating it. but when i think of freedom. it does get me motivated. =D

I cant wait for exams to be over.
for now, i need loads and loads of determination to stay focused and just study damn hard so that.
i will do well!
can't wait! can't wait!

anyways, deleted twitter, cuz there has been weird people, adding me and i cant delete them away. i dont really know how that works, but anyways, yeahs. twitter is deleted. got to make another acct, cuz in a way, twitter does help me in keeping up to date with stuffs i want to be updated in. =D

Its been a while aince i last blogged. Kind of missing it. :)
Went for dinner with mad, mel & mervin! :) nice n great dinner! Love it! Its been really long since i last meet up with them and have a meal:)
Actually everytime i meet them, i get kind of sad. Its a known "fact" that most, if not, all of my friends arent really supportive of my r/ship with stanley. So it kind of tire me down at times. Its not their fault that they dun like him. Or he is not like-able. Err.. Yeahh.. I duno how to put it. But i do get tired at times. Trying to make him fit in, or hoping that one day they will accept him.

Bleahs. Nvms. Not so impt at this time. I just hope that, if i do, am going to continue tobe with him, den hopefully my dear friends can slowly accept him:)

Next! Final exam in 78 days!!!! Woohooo!!! Im excited, at the same time, SCARED!
But i will make sure i am Prepared for it. Its the last one man! Cant wait! Cant wait!!! :D

I smell FREEDOM in 100 days!!! :D

Whats next? Will come next. Now, shant think about it!

Now, time to sleep! Good nights!

*what a random post*

1st

1st blog post of the year 2011 and its now mid January.
I shouldn't be blogging. but when i put everything aside, and prepare to sleep, my brain can't help but to wonder.

oh first thgs first, i feel really good, because, i'm so done with MA assignment! =D
FR is half done, gona finish it tomorrow.
MA qns left 5 more to do, 25 to copy. =S

so i have a busy busy day later when i wake up. =(
but its good in a way, because it will take things off my mind. =D

so today is supposed to be a good good day.
but it turned out really bad. well. at least for me, its kind of bad.
got to see sth i shouldn't have seen. *consequence of being too kaypoh*

the thing about me, sometimes when my heart tells me sth will happen, somehow, it will happen. well, sometimes they do happen. and it feels like de-javu.
but actually it isn't.
sometimes its just that, way before hand, i kind of felt that will happen, and soon after they just happened.

just like what happened today. =(
i told Heup last week, i had that feeling.. and ta-dahh... signs of it happening appeared to me today.
honestly, i don't know what to do.
what am i supposed to do?
unless proven guilty, you don't give someone a death sentence. 
so now, its not as if i caught them red-handed.
so i really couldn't do anythg. =(

i really hope that, they are just being playful. or they are just trying to make friends and nothing more than that.
but... hais. honestly, i really don't know. =(
i really hope this doesn't happen to me.
well at least not now. because i really cant take it in now.

maybe its just my intuition, or whatever u call that.
just this once. i am wishing it doesn't come true. ='(

and i will say it always..
I don't mind being ditched, but i cannot tolerate being two-timed. 

i dont want to know how it feels to be betrayed. :'(



but, sorry doesn't turn back time. ='(

P/S: i just realised this post is written on Sunday morning 3am.

HOME SWEET HOME

so, i am actually at home sweeeeeeeeeeett home now. =)
Happy holidays! it's supposed to be a holiday!
and i am totally immersed in the holiday mode. not willing to do homeworks and holidays assignments! and i really haven't done much.
i did a half done essay though. lol! okay at least i finished 1 part of the essay qns. and i did 6 out of my 30 FR qns. -.-
here's the plan for the next few days. just do all the theory qns on MA & FR and leave all the calculations part in singapore. since it will require more thinking and more concentration. =)

today's Thursday! meaning i still have 3 more FULL days here, at home!
and hafta go back to Sg again on monday night!
I always hate it, everytime i have to leave home and go back to Sg and have to go through the pains of studying and going for exams before coming back home again.
but the good thing is actually, this time round, it will be the last last and last exam for me.
i promise i will do it once and do it well!
i promise!
last year already, just hafta do it! =)

and like always, I don't celebrate Christmas....
I never know how Christmas is like, I don't know how it's supposed to be, or maybe i do!
oh well, i hope at least in this lifetime, i will get to really,really know what is Christmas like. I probably have to dodge the thinking that, only Christians celebrate Christmas. is that even true...???

and GOSH! today is 30th December. tomorrow is the last day of the year!
How am i going to spend it?
just like any other day i guess. =/
i know that we will be closing shop early tml though, cuz we are going to a Temple event. I think counting down at the temple. not very sure. i know its at the temple.
i'm not complaining. at least, i feel its better than spending it alone in singapore. lol.

and advanced exam timetable is out!!!!!
this actually scares me further, cuz it means, exams will be here real soon!
I am quite happy that i don't have exams on the same day for any paper, and i pretty much have a day to rest, relax, revise before the next paper.
here it is, last exam schedule for me. =D

FM: 11th May
MA: 13th May
ME: 16th May
FR: 18th May
Audit: 19th May

it actually finishes within one week. hmm.. 9 days..
yeahs!

and i am happy!
Dear brother got me my long time wanted Longchamp bag.
He asked his friend who went Italy in June to buy it back for me.
it's not the size i wanted, but still at least its a long champ.
i dont mind having it at a bigger size actually.
since my bags are all at a bigger size. i dont know what is it i like to put in my bag. but i love having them big.
it just suits me. =/

Happy Belated Christmas & Happy New Year 2011!

I pretty much think, this will be the last post for the year. =)

Cheers to a great 2011!
New beginning for me & everyone ! =)

give me a break.

I've been pretty much. lazy this week. since Last sunday.
i am just tired and can't even sit still.
one minute i was doing homework.
another im lying on d bed sleeping.
or one minute im reading articles, another i just go and make myself some honey water. or whatever there is to make. it's just. i cant concentrate. and in one week, i went to meet up with elson for a short lunch and then... stanley, chimpang & meet ade girl for dinner. dinner out for three straight days.
i just don't want to go home and get "locked" up in my room. I just wana stay out!
I know, it's bad, im wasting one week of time away. but of course, i still do my homeworks and assignments. and i still go for lessons on time, i am always early this week, by 15 mins, which kind of make me feel weird, cuz i used reach school on d dot. and then reach class 5 minutes late. =/
and this is pretty much, the only week where i get to sleep in for most mornings. okay.. its only weds, fri & saturdays. i slept till 10. it feels so nice.. like relaxing my day away.

here i am typing, and the stack of notes beside me is waiting for me to read and touch and make some writings on them. haha, i will, enough of wasting time. =S

on a very very good note, im happy i've been exchanging emails, with Bestie =) it's just good to know, what she has been doing over there, maybe it gave me a sense of security..? ok that sounds weird, i just feel good, assured and happy when i know that she is away from all the danger and that she is doing fine there and is in good hands. It doesn't bore me, even if she just tell me the nitty gritty details on what she's been doing, its just good to know that she is doing good. i hope it will always be good=)

while meeting Ade girl. was really shocked to know a news. apparently, a friend she is close with and a friend i know, broke up with her bf of 7 years. i was shocked cuz, they really appear to be the lovey dovey kind, and their Fb always shows pictures of them going on trips, and just very nice and loving pictures, so i was really surrpised when ade broke the news to me, telling me that they broke up alr..
and then we both concluded that, mostly, couples who phat thor for too long, will end up breaking up. those who only phat thor for 2 years? a little longer or shorter, seems to be able to stay in marriage, in their own ways. at least the paper and their children are there to tie them down.

and, we also talked about the future. haha. whether to have childrens or not.
It APPEARS that i want to have children. but honestly, really, deep inside me, i dont really want to have any.
u know looking at those children and stranger's child. its just.. a total NO NO!
not because, we can no longer have freedom.
It just boils down to the sentence
"it's easy to give birth to them, it's freaking hard to bring them up WELL."


and looking at the world, now, i think not adding on to the already damaged society, is better. lol. at least for now, this is what i think. =)

and the trend in sg now is, those who are not supposed to get married are all rushing to get married, cuz of some accident.
and those who are supposed to marry, instead break up.

weird world isn't it.
and i am so sure about 2012. lol. the world might really just end.
so until 2012. i will make sure i visit all my dearest overseas friends.
Bestie in Sydney and 2t in Laos.
and then go on a trip overseas with Ade girl.
and then go overseas using my hard earned money. travelling. =D

alright, got to go keep my notes company now.
and...
im going to home sweet home next week,
19th Dec till 3rd Jan.

till then, have a great Christmas & a great New Year 2011 =)

Just do it like Michael Jordan!

"DREAM, BELIEVE & MAKE IT HAPPEN" - AGNES MONICA

I've been so inspired by Agnes Mo, my fav idol! she's really successful, considering her very young age! and she has accomplished so many dreams in her life. Just because she believes in them and she works her way to them!

And I've been inspired by Michael Jordan too!

“I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot...and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And thats precisely why I succeed.”  
~Michael Jordan, Businessman & former NBA basketball player.


"None of us are perfect.  Not even the great MJ.  You've got to be prepared to make LOTS of mistakes, bad decisions and slip-ups in your life.  Success is not about getting it right EVERY time, it's about sticking with your goals even when situations get in the way or lead you astray.  Be proud of every step you take towards progress; life is about your growth throughout the journey, not the destination." - Karena & Katrina.

All these, just made me push forward and move forward and push myself to the max. This is my only chance, i have to seize it! It's my time to show what i've got NOW! =D
I believe I can do it man! last year already! Just do it! Do it the MJ style! love it! DO it with NO REGRETS!

there is this surge of confidence & determination & motivation in me.
I LOVE IT!
It's been crazy weeks of doing tutorials and assignments and readings of articles and doing homeworks and going to school EVERY SINGLE DAY. and studying even during weekends!

it's been a crazy TWO weeks! and MORE weeks to come!
school everyday! lessons everyday!
getting scolded by James at almost every lesson! YES i got sick of it, sometimes, i even think that he is just wasting time scolding those people who don't even bother! BUT then again, he will not go wrong. I am sure heeding his advice will be the way to success!
REVISE REVISE REVISE !!!
Crazy might be the word. Hectic is more suitable, i guess!

I'm doing it, I'm nailing and I am so going to work towards my goal.
And of course, no doubt there are days when i really feel so tired, I just want to give up, but when i think about WHY I DIDN'T JUST DROP OUT WHEN I FAILED (almost) EVERYTHING in my first and second year, and still hang on till the THIRD year and FINALLY PASSED EVERYTHING.
It just make me believe that YES, hard work do pay off!

SO!
JIA you to me and everyone Fighting to win any battle you are at!
WE can do it! YES WE CAN!!!

THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY CHANCE & I AM GOING TO MAKE IT USEFUL! =D

I really got over it already, until i read yesterday's newspaper, just a while ago!
A lot of things came into my mind!
I didn't know we could bring knives on d road.
I didn't know we can bring weapons.
I didn't know humans can actually watch this fighting-scene and do nothing about it, wait until things turned worst and decided to call the police.
I didn't know humans are this selfish.
Being the incident happened in such a crowded place, I didn't know everyone just decide to be a spectator rather than get the elders to stop this from happening and call the police in the mean time.
Where did all the security guards go to? Don't all shopping malls have security guards?
Security guards are for show only?
Shouldn't they have more police on patrol, especially on days like this?
If such things can happen in such a crowded place, can u imagine, what even more worse thing can happen in secluded places?
I hope those heartless, cold blooded "humans" will get caught soon. Punish them. or maybe even, punishment is no longer useful.

I still cannot imagine, what would the impact have been on me, if i was there at that time.
and speaking of which, Stanley was actually there at macs meeting up some guy at 2++ and at about 5 i was pestering him to bring me for cycling or bring me out to walk around the area. what if I didn't go for cycling and went to walk around that area instead? it's just that few minutes difference. =(

what a powerful eyes, words, actions!
Got a boy with promising future killed.
and the killer even feels proud of it.
What a world.
is it even safe here?
I wan to leave. I want to leave! =(

and I miss my Bestie, I wish i could tell her, but sms-es are just so short and just short and i dont know when she'll be able to read even if i send her an email. =(

I want my Mommy. =(

what is this?

first, i escaped a bus accident.
a bus i could have been, on friday morning on my way to school. not just a bus breakdown, but a bus accident. as the bus i was on drove past the bus which got into an accident, i was really relieved how lucky i was not to be on that bus, and how close i was to be on that bus accident. cuz i know the impact it would have been on me, if i was on that bus.

second, Saturday evening. http://news.xin.msn.com/en/singapore/article.aspx?cp-documentid=4430003
while i was happily cycling at Pasir ris park, and a "19 yr old youth got into a fight and was killed at downtown east"
the place i was aimlessly walking about at 3-4pm? i went cycling at 5pm? fell down my bike at 615pm? went for dinner at 8..? saw the blood trails from Popeye all the way till Sakura buffet.

my friend still ask me. was it a Halloween prank? its not.
truth is, while the people there are trying to act like ghosts and zombies and acting dead, someone else nearby really went dead.

For consecutive 3 years. I was at Downtown east during halloween.
One year for Jordan's bday. Last year for Pris bday. This year, for a free chalet.
this year, which i probably will never forget, right where i was hours before, someone got murdered.
Police, CIDs were examining the place. whats the use? Its funny, they are ald cleaning up the place with detergents, and then they came to look for evidence? I hope the person will get caught. It's insane, such a person who got someone killed shouldn't be freed. 19 year old! what are 19 year olds thinking nowadays?
Even that NS guy who went around stabbing long haired girls. What was he thinking. What forced him into that state?

Life has been weird, what's this world becoming to?
People went there for Halloween celebration. What's there to fight?! and kill someone in d process?
This world, what is it turning into?
Everyone, seems to have just become a selfish piece of inhuman being.
Humans, are getting crazier. Probably no one is even sane.
The rich are spending so much money on whats not.
The poor are trying so hard to keep themselves alive.
Earthquakes, Floods, Diseases, Tsunamis..?
A safe country like here? is it really that safe anymore?

Damn it, my heart really sank when i read the news just now.
These past 2 days has been really, insane.
I never want to be in that kind of situation!
I never want to have to witness any of these unfortunate events anymore.

I am not as strong as that. to forget and not relate.
or to be positive and think about how lucky i was not to be there.
then those people..? they r just plain unlucky?
define lucky.

Finally!

Finally got news from Bestie after 1 week! =D
i rmb it was last Monday when she texted me. So its been one week since she contacted me. So FINALLY i received an email from her, well not only me, the other of her Besties received it too. Im sure we are all happy to hear at least some news from her =)
I'm glad u r doing great dearest! =))

So I met Agnes Monica last Saturday at Taka! <3 <3 <3
I was super duper happy can! I never expect to meet her. She's been an inspiration to me. I've "like" her since very very long ago!
so i was really happy when i got to bump into her. the only stupid thing i did was, i didnt catch any photos with her =(
oh wells, its over, if time permits, if i am in better luck, i guess i'll get to bump into her again one day. AND
i definitely will snap a photo with her, no matter what =D

I've been back on track with studies since Sunday=)
start with all the catching up on readings, articles, notes, tutorials.
Which is really good.
I've pushed myself. I'm sure i can do this.
I believe hard work pays of, I proved it last sem, I believe I can do it again this time round.
and then, it will be another step forward towards another bigger dream =)

I just need to set my priorities right, i just need to make sure that I FOCUS FOCUS & FOCUS.
When it's time to rest, i will rest, when its time to study, i will study.
That is the only way right? =D

I'm looking forward to studying sessions at NTU =D

There is nothing wrong with having big dreams, no one can fault u for that =)
So, dream even bigger dreams, and work towards it =))
Nothing is impossible, With determination, hard-work, faith, confidence and prayers. :)

procrastinating

I've been procrastinating for 3 weeks now. Or rather I've been lazy for three weeks now. It's no good. I've been back in singapore for 3 weeks ald now. and i miss home already. Great.

so now i have assignments, tutorials and articles waiting for e to read. Bravo!

Okay. i will make sure i finish the articles I'm supposed to read by tonight. No more procrastination. =)

and. hmm.. what else do i want to say, except, I will work hard from this second onwards. towards May 2011 =D


I'll do good. No worries.
I've thrown away distractions. Put behind all the not important stuffs. and basically, anything not related to studies. =D

Hopefully Bestie is doing great in Sydney, Please take good care of yourself Dearest! =)


"The minute you felt like giving up, think why you've held on for so long." :)

Thank God, Bestie has reached her new home, probably already asleep now.
I'm more or less relieved, it's like the stone in my heart has just chipped off and become smaller. I'm still really confused tho. But not without reason. I know those sms-es are definitely real, no joke. And my heart aches each time I think about those SMS-es. But there is really nothing I can do to help. When I got to know it, it's really like one big bomb just exploded on my face. I cannot explain d anger and d worry Im feeling. All I know is, she must have felt really terrible, really sad, really devastated and LOST.
I wish I was there to give advices. Yes, my advices may not work, may not be useful. But at least I know more or less it could be absorbed and she could reconsider.

I know my bestie needs constant reminders from us that she is a very important friend to us. But then I'm not the kind who likes to keep saying certain stuffs. Bcuz I'm scared they will become unreal. Furthermore I am also scared, it's just my own thinking. My own wishful thinking.

I am still confused till now. And I have been feeling really tired for these past 2weeks. Sleeping at 3 almost every weekend. I don't know. I just can't sleep. It seems like, the worry-ness got over my sleepiness and tiredness. And i have myself to Blame! I shld have been more proactive in getting involved with her life. That's what a Bestie shld do. But instead im here scared about this and that. But the big picture is, What I am really scared of is, I'm scared of losing her.

Okay this sounds mushy. :/ but it's true, it really is true and it just got into me when I got to know about this and that. It just confuses me. I don't know what's real and what's fake. Are these all real or are these just false pretense? It really did made me confused, sad and helpless!!! Really. I just want to do whatever I can to help.

Whatever it is, deep inside me, I still really hope that this will be a happy union. The correct path for my Bestie. I hope He will take good care of her.

I still couldn't get over the fact that Bestie is on a plane, reaching Brisbane soon.
and the fact that, we are here, she is there in another country already.

how do i describe this feeling. haha. it's weird, when people starts comparing, who and who did what, more or less. and whats worst, who and who cried, shows who is more hurt.  and who and who didn't cry shows that they don't give a damn about it.
humans. I am just speechless. I couldn't care more. our actions disgusts me really.

I am better and better at fighting back my emotions.
and better and better and covering up for my feelings.
good job to me.

alright, as soon as i makes sure Bestie reaches Brisbane safely, i shall go sleep.
tml, got to start fighting book wars.

sometimes what's seen from the eye, is not what it appears to be.

I miss my Bestie.

Went to send Bestie, Mitch & Alicia to the airport.
Nope I didn't shed a single tear.
I just really feel v sad, worried and happy altogether.
So it's really difficult to express that kind of feeling.
All I hope for is, I hope she'll be happy.
I hope She'll become a great Wife, Mother and also Daughter to her parents. =)

And most importantly, I hope Mitch will take really good care of my Bestie.
And Of course, as Alicia grows up, I hope she will become less naughty. =)

All the best dearest girl. You'll be missed!

Happy Marriage Mitch & Dearest Bestie!

Bestie's wedding is over now.
It's the most simple, cozy, sweet, warm and romantic wedding I've ever attended.
and it's the first wedding I've ever attended for my closest friend.
It's more of a mixed feeling after the whole thing is over.
It's really hard holding back the tears and feelings.
Yes, I enjoyed myself. Even though, I really took a long long time to finish the food served. Not that I don't like them, it's just, i don't have the appetite to even eat them. =(
Made one or 2 new friends, after all they are Bestie's friend, so how "bad" can they be. =)
The most frequent Question I always get asked is, "Who are you to Sze Min?"
Next is, "When is your turn coming?"
lastly, "Why don't u look sad, aren't u supposed to be sad that she will be leaving soon?"

these qns.. I just gave them the most simplest one sentence answer i could ever give and thanks for being so insensitive.

The "unhappy" thing of all is, the next time i see my Bestie, it will be at the airport, she will be leaving for Sydney for good. =(
I really cannot imagine that day coming. I cannot imagine what it will be like when she is not in Singapore anymore, when she is not an-sms away, a few bus stops away, a phone-call away. I really cannot imagine. Well, you can say that, it's not as if, i meet her everyday, its not like we have always been meeting every single week or every single month for the past few years. it's just a mixed feeling of LOST, WORRIED and everything altogether. and i just couldn't sleep that night when i came back to rest. I just tossed and turn, until i don't know what time.

She is that one friend, I have always trusted, always hold dear to my heart, i always confide in. it's even more than a friend to friend feeling. and i can never thank her and her family enough for whatever they have done for me. It's really more than just a friend to friend treatment.
I know both of us will get married one day. and like what Rovin say, we just have to get on with our own life. I just didn't expect it to be so soon. This soon.

Well, and as contradicting as it can ever be, I am happy she is moving over to Aussie. Really, I've seen and experienced how life here can be stressful, demanding and just not nice. So, I am happy, she is moving there for a new life, everything new, just that, i know everyone she left behind here, will be worried for her and everything. because it's not a one month two month thing. It's a lifetime. I really hope Mitch will take good care of my dearest girl, she just cannot afford to feel sad, lost or down anymore. so please please please please please, take really good care of my dearest Bestie, make her the happiest woman she can ever be in her own life.

It isn't easy getting to know each other, accepting each other's shortcomings, accommodating to each other's needs, being patient with each other and then taking the big step towards marriage. All these, needs process, and it isn't easy at all. But what's even more difficult is keeping the marriage alive, till death, separates. And as I said, all these needs process. I wish both of you all the best, and I gave you my very best wishes.

and i miss her already, even though i know she is still here in Singapore. ='(

Happy Marriage Mitch & Mandy! =)

desperate

I realize i am really desperate to get into the job I've always wanted. as in really DESPERATE.
I really really really hope I can already be working as one, this time, next year. I really really really want to be one. Gosh I will be 24 next year. oh my.

and i also know, there and then, I will have to again re-consider the many possible pros and cons.
whatever. Life is just oh so difficult. so well, just live with it.

I will fight really hard to finish this degree. no matter what. i just have to finish it.
NO MATTER WHAT.

3 more days.
Singapore here I come.

HAHA.

scared

To be honest, I am really, SCARED.
I am really really really scared. I really don't know how to say what i feel, but i am just really scared.

ok.. what i'm going to say is about studies again. So if you don't feel like reading, then please, just leave.  don't continue reading, cuz it might just bore you. or you might even feel that.
"since you are so decisive and decided to take up the challenge of taking the remaining FIVE modules at one go and not split it up, then just shut the hell up." 


If you, my readers are going to feel this way, then please, just leave.

I really don't want Sept 20th to come so soon. In fact, as the day drew gets nearer, I am more and more "not excited" about school, (since when am i excited), okay. so yahhh. I just don't want it to come so soon. I am scared of the FIVE modules. No one can actually give me a picture of what's coming for me.
I only know i have to drown myself in notes, lectures and assignments. and nothing else. I just need to be more nerdy.
Ppl split them up to 2 years. I took all 5 core mods, in one year!
to be exact in SIX-EIGHT months.
OCT-FEB-MAY

what do you call me? brave? or just being stupid? or just being "itchy"?

I am so done with school. I just want to be done with school. I just want to be done with this whole education thing. as soon as possible.

I don't want another few more years of studying. i just want to get down to work and earn money and then continue my next few years of life. no more studying.
Don't ask me about taking masters now, when i am not even done with this darn degree!

okay. so main point is, i just want to get it over and done with school as soon as possible.

Wish me luck, Give me all your support and encouragement. I really need it.
Thanks.

Thank you

My Aunt & Uncle just called me.
I cried immediately at the mention "cling cling".
They said they are willing to lend me, if i am short of it.
Thanks. Really thanks. but really, if i can don't borrow at all. i won't borrow at all.
it's enough.
I don't want to owe anyone anymore. It feels really heavy.
But really thank you. when i really couldn't hold on anymore, yes i will ask for help.

I did reconsider again yesterday about taking 5 mods, because my aunt wants me to ask myself if i can do it or not.
I believe i can do it. because i don't want to waste anymore time.
And a lot of factors which led me to my this decision.

1) If i split my 5 modules into 2 years, I will have to incur extra payments to about 15K-20K a year.
Sim school fees, UOL reg fee, rental, food, transport, daily necessities and TIME.

2) Its actually not possible for me a foreign student to actually switch to part time from full time classes, because my student pass was granted by ICA based on my number of years to study. so even if i split my studies into two years, it'll still be I work part time, with really low pay and then slog my days away and then finish only 2-3 modules a year. then the amount of part time pay i get is only enough to pay for daily necessities and rental.

3) I'll already be 25/26 when i graduate if i split my studies. which is really a waste of my time. when i really want to graduate fast, as soon as possible and then hopefully I will get into the dream job i always wanted. =) and then it'll be time to pay off debts, start saving for my future and give my parents better living, ease their burden. =) and then it will be happy happy happy. =)

Furthermore, dad and Mom are getting old, I need to faster get a degree, get a job, then at least among the three of us at least one is a graduate, then Mom and Dad will feel so much better and happier and they will be able to hold their heads up high and not feel "bad" anymore. I want them to be happy, I want them to enjoy their next 30-40 years of life. I don't want them to be worrying about us anymore. SO.. yeaps.. all these reasons and a few more unnamed ones.. are the ones that led me to my decision.

I am not a really decisive person. when i want to make a final decision i think about all the relevant factors. what are the benefits and everything else. Then make the best decision, i can have. =)

It's hard coming to this decision when i know all the five core modules are really difficult.
and its really hard making this decision when i have no confidence in myself.
but when i think of the larger picture. it really motivates me. one year later.
I need to be in my dream job. =)
one year later everything will be over. one year later i will be 24!
Getting older and older and i just have to be really responsible for myself and my family.

with support from my big family and friends, I am really sure i can do it.
Thank you all! It really means alot to me.

still, my favourite quote:
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr Seuss.

Jia You Lily! =)

Thank you.

i haven't blogged about my results yet.
i am really happy and still am happy about the whole results thing. I couldn't believe i actually did it.
it actually also did boost up my confidence. =)
I did my calculations and with reassurance from Mom that i don't have to work at all to pay for my own food, travel and rental. I am sure I can put 1000% concentration in to studies and then do well. Of course, I cannot leave out praying. i just have to be more diligent in praying and more diligent in studying =)

and this results release. I just have to thank these few friends I have.
Thank you Bestie, Lh, Ade, Irene, Els, Heup, Dewi, Stan, Cousins, Dearest Aunts!.... Thank you so much.

Thank you for bearing with all my words of worries all these few months even before results are released. Thank you for keeping me company, for talking to me, and "entertaining" all my doubts and worries.
Thank you for giving me all the advices i needed, and thank you for helping me check my results. Thank you for sharing the worry with me. I know all of you are worried for me. Thank you so much for being really happy for me too, that you all just cant stop smiling away through the conversation! Thank you for giving me the reassurance again and again to tell me that everything will be fine. Thank you for helping me think of alternatives. Giving me the better advice i could possibly have.Thank you Thank You Thank You! =)

and of course Thank you Mom, Brother and Thank you for Blessing me Dear God. =))

Words, just cant express my feeling of gratitude. really. Thank you! I really wouldn't know what i would do without all your help. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you! =)

great! here's timetable till 1st week oct. what's below is scarier.
busy busy busy. oh wells, its all for the good! =)

I'm happy i'm going back soon cuz i'll get to meet my dearest darlings soon!
but i am unhappy also cuz.. i'll be leaving home again..
oh wells, like i said.. since its for something good. then... okay! i'll just live through it! =)

here's the summary of it all. =) 

I chose this timetable with the help of Miss Quek. and it's the first time that i chose to have all morning classes except for weds cuz there's no more morning slots! =(

but yeah. i just wana end everything fast so that i still have the rest of the day to do anything else. i'll sleep early and wake up early! =)

oh yahh! just click to enlarge. =)

All the best to me! Jia You Lily! =))