i still dont know what to do.
its such an easy decision right?
to just go back or.. just take the freaking test 1st den go back.
but no. it isnt as easy.
if i stay i need to pay the freaking rent.
which will total up to be 720 in 2 months... and 1080 in 3 months.
so now..
tell me how.
i can do a lot with 1080 lah!
but if i go back 1st, there is definitely be a possibility of my driving skills deteriorating.
so you tell me how?
but i have a car at home now already, but its a different car. its a family car, so very different from those small car i used to learn and play with over here.
and then also, i will need to update my pdl again and of course i need to renew the freaking bbdc card again. but all that will total up only to about 50 bucks lah.
and what i dont like now is,
if i go back 1st, den come back, by then i would be getting my results.
student pass expires in 0ct.
argh! i duno.
its making my headache worst.
damn.


you tell me how.
tell me how.

this seriously SUCKS.
i hate this.
and headache is not gone yet.
it's still there.
in my head.
damn.
i hope i could pop 10 pills of panadols and never had headache again.
as a matter of fact. i hate to be in pain.

I knew something is definitely wrong when i suddenly had a bad headache AGAIN just now.
but then.. headache has become a part of me now..
they visit me practically every single day and yeah! i have started taking panadols.
for the first time in my life..
i am eating panadol.
i used to hate eating them, cuz i know they are doing more harm than good.
but then.. now i am starting to take them because i need to study.. and if i have a very bad headache.. i just wont be able to concentrate so yeahs!
BUT dont worry. i wont abuse them. =D
they are so expensive.
so i wont do stupid things like.. feeding myself with panadols.. its like throwing money into the drain... so no worries..


and yes.. so anywayy... yeahhs..
something bad did happen.
AGAIN.
I seriously hate this a lot and really a lot.
when i thought, yeah.. when i thought she is the person i could depend on, she is the person who would give me the best advice i can ever get..
and suddenly i realize that..
everyone is so busy with their own stuffs.
we are all over the place.
no.. i don't hate them..
its just that kind of feeling..
you know they are there..
but you cant look for them..


I am wrong and I have been wrong.


you know the feeling of..
when you are very sure of something..
when you've always believed in it..?
when you know you are right and will definitely be right..?
then suddenly..
when you go on to do what you think is right..
the answer you get is..
you've always been wrong..
yeah..
it's like someone giving you a slap on your face..
telling you that you've been wrong..
or rather..
they want you to know that you've been silly all along.
you've been stupid all along.
you've been a fool all along.


you know..
sometimes i feel that it's better to have a pen pal.
i think it's nice to have one.
i lost mine a few years back.
nvms.
anw..
yeahhs.. i seriously think that it'll be nice if you can talk to different strangers every single day.
since they don't know you and you can talk to them about just anything and everything..
i think it's nice.
at least u get to vomit out everything you feel at anytime you want..


i've found a place which i really love though.
i really love going to Temples.
really, i feel at peace when i am there.
i feel that, there and then, there's just me and God and there is nothing for me to hide.
They know how i feel, what i want and yeahhs..
and i feel even more at peace when i hear them reading prayers..
i feel at peace, then i will follow them with their prayers too.
and then..
i will feel really at peace..
and there and then... i forgot all that is inside me.....

my head is pain.
my hand is aching.
my eyes are closing.
arghhs!
the best thing to do now is..
S L E E P
but i need to
S T U D Y


life is so beautiful~~~

DANG!

I'm so tired.

LOOK AT THE TIME NOW! =((

BUT i still can't sleep.

I am trying to absorb as much as possible, but i'm very tired already.

I simply hate memorizing because, i just can't seem to get them through my head, so the only thing i can do is try to understand them, make them a part of me.

The process sucks. =((

I don't know why must we memorize. It's so stupid. =(

Oh God, please.. please.. "open" up my brain, give me more knowledge, PLEASE enter all those need to be memorised stuffs into my head. I'm really trying already, so please, help me. =)

JUST TWO MORE PAPERS.

PLEASE.

God Bless me. =)

Oh.. and.. Uni application reply letters have started to be mailed out.

good luck to those awaiting Uni reply.

Hopefully, you all get to go into the Uni & course of your choice! =)

see the number of people in my MSn contacts..
It's pathetically-little.
haha.
actually kind of good, because i don't see a point in having hunderds over of contacts but i only talk to about TEN to TWENTY of them.
and, I didn't do the deleting of contacts.
somehow.. maybe my beloved Omnia & PINK Vaio can synchronize and yes they do synchronize with each other.. everytime i take the train, when i am bored, i will delete email addresses from my phone book so it'll look neater.
and ta-da the result of me deleting emails resulted in deleting my msn contacts.
BUT yes, i still have them in my msn, just that they are invinsible,
when they talk to me, then it'll re-appear again.
So i didn't block or delete them, they are there but they are just invinsible.
amazing right. haha
ok. i shall go eat lunch n continue with my study le. =))


It's a nice rainy afternoon. no more hot, warm n humid weather today. :)

He said, “I got the place. Good things can happen to good people. We just hope and miracle will be done from God :) don't give up. Expect the unexpected :)”

It was about 11+ yesterday ald, and usually after 630 you won’t get parking space at the lower level of the car park anymore, not to mention after 11+ at night. So everytime we leave the carpark, I hope that when Stan reached home, he would get a place at the lower level. And yeahs, he got a space yesterday night! =) and its at the first floor some more. And he purposely took this pic for me, so that I will believe him. Thanks! =)

I just got to know about it now, cuz I’m using prepaid card, so yeahs.. When he sends me an MMS, I can only retrieve my MMS online. And this is what I got. Thanks you..!

Yes, maybe miracle do happen and I just need to pull myself up, make myself more optimistic. =)

And yes, I kept telling myself that, 船到桥头自然直。

有些事情想不通，就别去想了， 或许过了些时间，就会想通。。

I hope that miracles DO happen. =)

二十二岁了， 不可以发生什么不愉快的事情就哭， 要坚强一点！ 加油！ =)

And yes! This is also what I have been telling myself lately. =)

I will, yes, I will try to be stronger. I will. =)

you know everyone have a different life and have different meaning in their life.

what's yours?

I can't find mine.

Really.

I really can't find ANY meaning in my life.

I am saying this not because i've gone crazy & emo again and my mind is gone drifting to somewhere.

I am not.

Since yesterday after econs paper. YES its econs.

That freaking subject which i am very sure i will definitely pass this year, after passing my prelims.

Yesterday, while doing the paper. I keep praying, I keep praying, I hope God will help me. Open up my brain, let me think clearly and do whatever i can with the paper.

The last thing i want to happen while doing my paper is for my brain to go BLANK.

and yes it happened. For the THREE full hours.

I was constantly thinking, i keep thinking very hard, I asked God to help me, I asked Him to help me because thi syear i really need to pass my exams. ALL my exams. I need to. 

I did all i can do to my paper already. and all i hope for is a PASS, really a pass. I really hope to pass. Initially, i have the hope of getting 60 -70 after passing my prelims.

Then now, all i hope is yes. JUST let me PASS. all i need is a pass.

I very well know that He knows what i am going through, and I know IF He decides to put me on another test, I am very sure He will.

But Dear God, I can't take anymore of such tests anymore, I have no time for that, You know why. Really, I really have no time for that. WE know why.

I cannot afford to put myself on another test like this. I can't. I am not strong enough for that, I don't have the means and ways to go through it another time.

they often ask me why, why and why..

I have the answer. Trust me, I know myself. I have the answer. 

But i can't share it with so many people. I can't.

I tried sharing it with one of my, i suppose.. close friend..? and she just goes really quiet and changed d topic to something else which made me shut up, and she really gives me a very clear sign that she don't wish to listen anymore.

From then on, I don't dare to tell anyone my problems anymore, I don't dare to tell anyone what I am going through.

Sometimes, really, maybe keeping things inside me is so much better than letting them out, rather than having to bear the response of your friends being not interested and changing the topic.

I hate that kind of situation. But yes, i know they have the right not to want to listen.

and yes, never will I spill what's inside me anymore, to just anyone.

I am really very tired of putting a smile on my face, when there is so much inside me which really won't let me smile. 

I put on a smile on my face acting as if nothing happen because, I don't want to make the atmosphere weird, I don't want anyone to worry about me. I really hate it when people worry about me, then again, its my fault also, because i am doing things which makes them worried.

Now what I really hope is, for someone to really just understand. Just try to understand, if you don't then your silence will be more helpful than you having to saying something to hurt my feelings and pushing all the blame to me.

Yeah, all i need is a lending ear, someone to listen and not having to say anything which they'd better not say.

i feel like giving up already now.

but i know i can't i still have two more papers to go.

i really feel like giving up already.

don't push me any further.

it's not a nice wednesday morning.
super sian.


the pile of book waiting for me to memorise is just beside me.
apart from this.


it's REALLY not a nice morning.


i just feel very weird inside...
i never thought my actions caused you to hurt so much.


you know, relationship is a two way street.
one party has to go one way, the other will go the opposite way.
then they will meet in d middle of the road.
sometimes, one of them will walk to fast and left the other behind.
the other refused to catch up and then as time goes by,
if the other one doesn't catch up and another one continues at his own pace.
sooner or later, they will drift apart and yeah, lead each other's own life.


and yes, I am the supposedly "bad guy".


sometimes I wonder if it is me or what.
Sometimes, yeahs, I do things my own way.
the way i want it to be,
the way i am comfortable with.
so much so that, sometimes, i never spare a thought about how others feel
and yes, i am only able to spare a thought about them, only when,
they give me time to think before i carry out my actions,
if you want me to spontaneously answer you or when i am too excited about answer and replying you, many a time, i always make the wrong step forward.
It's been like this.
ONE wrong move, and there is goes, REGRETS.
yes, i've done many things which i really have regretted.
REALLY REGRETTED.
and nothing i do would help anymore.
and the last thing i want to do is to hurt anyone who loves me and those i love.


I take every single friendship i have really precious.
I haven't had a single "online" friends since very long ago.
because I am against it.
I only talk to people I know, not people who try to get to know me because they have some motive.
I hate that.
If it's a friend's friend, ok lah.. i'm still able to accept it.
I mean, there is nothing wrong in widening your social circle.
So yes, the past two years till now, i had one online friend,
yes, initially i was kind of turn off and pissed off with him because, he wants to know me with a motive.
then, as i talk about him to my friend, and know about him more, through the little and mini talks we have, through FB, FS, i realised, he is actually a few of my ffriend's friend.
SO yah. Then i decided not to block him on msn anymore. *oOpps! =X*
yes, i did block him from my contacts once.
BUT since i know more, i decided to accept things and accept him as a friend, i know he means no harm. :)
So there, I got to know another new friend. =)


so what's my point right?
I just want to say that, i really never had any intention of hurting anyone.
I am super not good with words.
That's why i chose to be quiet most of the time unless i'm with my very close friends who know my character and know who i am, maybe not inside out, but they just know me.
I can be very noisy.
If i ever hurt any one of you, then i am really very sorry, yes, please tell me, so that i can reflect over it and try never to make the same mistake again.
and my friendship is not just with my very close friends, i must say that every single one of you, who have crossed my path before in one way or another, you are like a part of me already.
without all of you I really don't know what to do.
You know, it's really weird when, after so many years, like 6 to 7 years?
I still can remember every single nitty gritty detail that has happened in pri school, sec sch and Jc days.
all.
I can really remember those nitty gritty details you all did for me,
these memories will always be with me, till i get amnesia. =p
but yeahs, these memories brought smile to my face. and i really thank you all for that.
Thank you.


then to my bf.
some people still dont know how i got to know him.
well, that is not important.
I have a friendship with him too.
and the last thing i want to happen is, (IF we do go our separate ways), the last thing i want to happen is, we both vanish from each other's lifes.
You know up till now, I'm still looking out for some of my lost friends, especially Justin.
Yeahs, i don't know where he went to.
so my point is, I realy treasure every single friendship.
I want us to keep in contact till we grow old, if possible. it's all just because, every single friendship I make is precious, the process of how we got to know each other is a very important process and it makes our friendship even more so.
So yeahs, I don't understand, why if a couple breaks up, they have to vanish from each other's life.
I know the situation will be weird, but can't the friendship among them, hold them together as friends?
ah! whatever it is, I am really sorry if i ever hurt your feelings or what k?
If i do, then tell me lahh~ =)


Oh wells,
ok neverminds. I think I am getting nonsensical and it's difficult to bring my point across and you guys might think that i am just talking nonsense. If you think so, then so be it lor. =))


my heart n mind is already drifting towards my PBF lah! LOL. sorry!
OK. OFF i go to study PBF now. =)

MM DONE!


FOUR MORE TO GO!


so sian! today's paper!
all d chapters i predicted CAME OUT!
but the paper is so so freaking DIFFICULT!!
-_-
LAST YEAR PAPER WAS SO EASY PEASY LAHH!
THIS YEAR SO DIFFICULT!
NOT FAIR NOT FAIR!!!!
argh!
cant score!
I expected to score 1!
NOW!
as long as I pass.
Good enough!


FOUR MORE TO GO!
JIA YOU! =D

1st paper DONE! =))


FIVE more to go!


JIA YOU!


This year feels better.
CUZ at least I don't come out and say I'm gg to fail.
This year! I'm GOING TO PASS! =))


I hope I din get the wrong formulaes though.
Cuz apparently, I only write down formulaes based on what i roughly remember.
I can't remember anything when i get into the exam hall just now.
ITS like totally blank.
1st time, I go into the exam hall, with my heart beating very very fast!
Its as if I saw my crush or something.
HAH! nonsense!


okays!
BACK to MANAGEMENT MATHEMATICS NOW! =)

Celebration time is OVER.
Its again time for serious studying. BOO!
I really hate studying!
& just nice. 3 person told me that the end of the world is coming in 2012..?
so why am i still wasting my time studying now?
I should go enjoy my life right?
HMM...
Oh wells, shall not think of the un-think-able. =)


Thank you all for the Bday wishes! =)
Thank you for the dinner n the gift u made! =)


alrights!
Good nights! i need plenty of rest, energy, LUCK and all else good from this second onwards all the way till 29th May!
Bless me so I can persevere & prepare well for the EXAM!
I really need plenty of LUCK. =)
Oh wells!
Good nights world!
argh! still need for the laundry before I can sleep! BOo!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! =)))

THANK YOU
MAD, HEUP, MEL & GERALD!
THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH!

Thank you Heup, Gerald & Melissa!
For waking up so so early, fighting the ZZZ monster, in order to reach plaza at 830am.

Thank you! Thank You for the silent birthday song! I'll remember it for life~!

It's such a special silent birthday song! =)))
Thank you Mad for organising the breakfast cum birthday celebration!
I am really sorry to have had rejected you so much last week when u tried to ask me out many many times! I really feel very very bad. I'm really touched by all the things you did for me!
Thank you for the small note n the gift! Thank You lots!
Thank you for travelling all the way from AMK n reach Panjang at 9am, just to make this day special for me.
Thank You all of you for making my 22nd Birthday morning is a special one!! Love you all!

Thank You and I can never thank all of you enough for today!!!

Really thank you!=))

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AND

Thank you to all those who never fail to remember that 3rd of May is MY birthday!

Thank YOU!

Your Birthday sms-es means alot to me too! =))

Mirna, Stan, Ling Hui, Sze Min, Yik Ping, Jordan, Lester, Dewi, Windy, Sze Hong,

Han Bin, Elson, Cousin Lowie, Cousin Jasman, Ade & the rest.... =)))

Thank You! =))))))

010509


It's always this day of the year.
Don't know whether it's stupidity or what.
I just remember.
whether we are real or not,
whether you are real or not.
whether our friendship exists or not.
I just wana wish you a Happy Birthday!


My stupidity has gone to the extent that,
I actually hope that I could find you through fb.
then i realize, if you haven't changed, if your parents haven't changed, you'll be neither on fb nor fs.
So i stopped searching.
Oh wells, i hope that, if we are real, when you recognize me on the streets you would say hi to me or what.
I am just curious and i wana know the truth.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I found out something yesterday too.
HAHA.
I wouldn't believe that your r/ship with her is just purely FRIENDS.
I started to suspect their relationship, since months ago.
yesterday, my findings, confirms my feelings.
Tell me when you decide to tell me.
It's just weird that, as I continued reading, it's like,
I am seeing what had happened, has started to happen to you and her.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I'll stop whatever silly things i have been doing.
It's for my own good.
Not knowing more, and being kept in the dark, is probably better.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When the trust isn't there anymore, it just makes the journey harder.

I want to live happily.
there is really nothing wrong with whatever I am doing now.
I am just trying to make myself happier through shopping.
shopping really makes me happier. =))


Even when i don't have enough cash.
I am really willing to scrimp and save.
I am willing to forgo all my meals. SO that i can use the money in exchange to buy the things i like.
BUT don't worry.
I do eat when i feel hungry. =))


It's next week.
will really start next week.
Still in the midst of preparation.
I will make sure, I tell myself that I am well prepared. =)


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Last week has been a crazy week.
cried a lot, slept little, studied a lot, stressed a lot!
AND
I almost turn single.
Oh wells, shall not talk about it, what's important is the upcoming exam now.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I don't give a shit about anything else now.
Shall secure my own future.
I realise I really can't rely on ANYONE.
NO ONE except MYSELF.
All the talks about getting an able husband, is still there..
BUT..
I shall depend on myself also.
I still despise guys who use their woman's money, guys who hurt their woman, in whatever ways. I still do, up till now.
That's why I hope and I want my man will be more able and definitely better than me.
I mean, it'll TOTALLY turn me off.
If my man, turn to me and say...
"I don't have any/enough money, do you have any?"
I know i very lao tu. because, its all the talks about Men n Women being equal.
BUT seriously, man/men... please.. haha..
IF u can't even support yourself, then don't get attached.
I don't mean that, you need to pay 1000% of the time, once in a while asking your girl to pay isn't too much. BUT if 10 to 20% of the time u ask your girl to pay, then u should reflect if you deserve to have the girl's time or not.
haha. reflect.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I digressed so much.
Haha.
I believe my close friends, or should I say my darlings don't JUDGE me.
Because, they know me, they understand what I am doing, what I think and all.
If they don't i believe they will ask.
Just like, I don't judge them, I trust them.
So, if you judge me, then please don't think of yourself as anyone who is close to me.
Cuz u r not. and so don't act as if you know me inside out, you know what i am doing and all.
I really wouldn't mind my friends, I really mean friends.
coming to me to tell me off, or warn me about things i am doing.
I will really thank you. Because, real friends won't let you carry on doing the wrong things.
So I pretty thank my close friends who had come to me and tell me off.
( OF COURSE only when they know I am going the wrong way. =))) )


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


& I miss home!
I miss my HOME!
BUT I really wana go holidays 1st before going back home..
HMMMMM..
POSSIBLE..?


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


OH yah! I am turning 22 in a few hours time.
HAHA. NOT celebrating my birthday this year.
I'll be happy if my dear friends remember. =))
What should i get for myself this year??
I shall ask Mom & Dad for a shopping treat. HAHA! =D


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


HAVE A GREAT & LONG WEEKEND MY DEAR DARLINGS.
JIA YOU FOR THOSE PREPARING FOR EXAMS.
&
I HOPE MY FEW DARLING FRIENDS ARE DOING GREAT AND DOING GOOD!
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! =)))
LOVE U GUYS A BUNCH!

Phone will be OFF from today onwards.
If u need me, then drop me a mail.

you've told me many times, so many times that it really sink deep in me now.
and now, i can't get it out of my head nor my mind.
i guess, certain things when you let go of it.
things will turn out better.

Im tired. tired. tired. =(
I hope this week will soon be over. then i can finallly really. get out from all the distractions and sit down to eat my notes. i need to. i need to. im so scared ald. really scared and very scared! =(


went to catch SNIPER after cousin in law's party yesterday!
It's quite nice~ quite cool~ as always my Edison is forever so handsome. =D


went to get Meideling pressie just now! (shopping alone, aren't that bad actually. haha.)
Got the the Lacoste bag I want. haha!
her birthday but i buy her the bag that i so really love! =x
because i'm very sure she will like it also. =D
but i didn't get one for myself though. lol.
can't buy. cuz i need to save money to buy something else. =(
there is an Adidas sale at Wisma Isetan also! I am so tempted to buy the bag n jacket! but then I didn't buy la. like i said, i need to save money. =/
Then, i went to Stadium at Taka to check if the Lecoq bag i want still there or not. BUT it turned out that. It's not available anymore. SADDED~~
oh wells, i promise, i will be granted to go on a shopping spree after exams. HAHAHA.


ok now.. lets see how my hand "healing" is progressing...




i hope by the colour change. it shows that it is healing.
and i do hope that, the affected skin will peel off and the new skin will grow and i will get back my beautiful hand. =D

i hate it when u accuse me of things that i never ever felt like doing.
don't force your assumptions into me.
i've never thought THAT way before.
In fact I am feeling the exact opposite of what you accused me of.
Hmphs~

I had a VERY bad day yesterday. right from the moment i wake up till the end of the day. =(
I shan't type and complain what i did yesterday.
but the only one still etched in my mind right now is the scar* on my hand!




It's the result of ironing my 7/8 halfly dried clothes because the weather is trying to play with me.
the moment it started raining. i took in my laundry, so i thought since they are half dried, i shall iron them so that they won't smell. while ironing halfway, i didn't notice the iron just right beside me. and THERE GOES MY HAND.
and as though that wasn't bad enough. after ironing for a little while, the sun came out!
I was like.. ok fine..~~
right then at that moment. i really so badly, want my maids with me.
to do my laundry.
to iron my clothes.
to clean my room.
to prepare my food.
do everything for me.
ok lah. i just want my nanny.


ok. so now i sound very pampered.
neverminds.


up till now, i am still hoping that it won't leave a scar.
really.
i love my bony-scarless-fair hand to bits.
i really love them.
now this scar. just spoils everything.
anyone knows any way to get rid of this scar? please do tell me. i'll be grateful.


*

and as if this wasn't bad enough, at night while trying to test use the mobile broadband thgy..
i had to place the sim card in the wrong way and thus causing the sim card to be stuck in the slot.
and i reproach myself the whole night.
cuz yesterday just wasn't the day for me.
all the way since i wake up..
to school..
to home..
to ironing my own hand..
to driving..
and testing the mobile broadband.. :(


*

I just hope today will be better.
and yes!
I guess, this morning everything has turned pretty better.
I successfully took out the sim card from the slot already.
and I do hope that my hand is healing. =)


okays~
today will be a better day. =))
i'll revise well
and
everything will be Great! =))


Have a great day people! =)